If You Don't Address Your Childhood Traumas, Your Romantic Relationships Will

“If you don’t address your childhood traumas, your romantic relationships will.”

 

Principle:  If you don’t deal with your “stuff” your “baggage” will come back and bite you in the butt.

This principle applies to other things as well:  Grief, unforgiveness, and loss – and can show up in your workplace or with other people.  Today, I’m talking about how it shows up in romantic relationships. 

Story of Tom and Beverly:

Beverly grew up as a hillbilly from Tennessee watching her parents’ bitter, violent fights.  They’d scream and throw accusations at each other, and she’d go to bed at night, put her hands over her ears and pray that no one would be seriously injured or dead when she awoke. 

So many mornings, she’d secretly vow she would never have a marriage like this!  She didn’t know how she was going to avoid it, but she was NOT going to live like those two – this would never happen to her! 

Her father finally left her mother, breaking Beverly’s heart.  Her mom grew hard and bitter; her father married a much younger woman and moved away, and her mom went to work full-time, leaving 4 kids at home to care for themselves.  One brother turned to drugs; Beverly turned to religion. Surely God would never let her have a marriage like her parents!

On the other side of the US, in California, Tom had struggles of his own.  His upbringing seemed different; he was raised in church; his father was an elder and his mother a Sunday school teacher.  But one day he was devastated to discover that his family was breaking up due to his father’s chronic adultery.  This was the man he idolized who ultimately divorced his mother – he vowed he would live his life differently!  With God’s help, he would not repeat his parents’ pattern!  He would find his soul mate.

So the two found each other, and they each brought scars and fears to their romantic relationship.  Because couples find partners with similar wounds, but each has adapted differently. 

And here’s what happens when you don’t attend to your childhood traumas 

Tom and Beverly got married and 2 months into the relationship, they started arguing about quiche, of all things!  Tom hated it, and Beverly was forcefully arguing about its many virtues.  After going back and forth for a while, Tom suddenly said, “I’m leaving.  I’m gonna go out on the porch and cool off.”

Beverly had a flashback, an “old brainer,” and immediately reacted crazily – “Leave!  Did I hear you say leave?”  The danger bell rang in her “old brain” and she ran to him and grabbed his leg.  “Please don’t leave!  How can you be so mean and leave me at a time like this?”

Tom looked at her incredulously – “What are you so upset about?  I’m just cooling off.  Can’t a guy get a break around here?” 

Beverly’s “old brain and messages” said, that when a man leaves, he doesn’t come back.  It was only years later that she remembered when she was 4 or 5 years old and her dad was leaving, and she grabbed his leg, begging him not to go.  ‘Please, daddy, please don’t leave!”

 You have to realize that when she and Tom were arguing and he wanted to get away from her meltdown, she was not thinking like a young, sensible bride in love.  She was thinking like an abandoned little girl.  She had learned that when a man leaves, he may not come back.

And Tom’s reaction came from his childhood memories – Tom’s parents had ultimately divorced after years of his father’s chronic adultery.  He had learned you don’t confront problems; you avoid and run from them.  His fears stemmed from seeing a repeat of his parents’ marriage seemingly playing out before him, and he just wanted a “time out.” 

And when you don’t attend to your childhood traumas, your romantic relationships will – Tom and Beverly show us exactly how this plays out.  Tom and Beverly Rodgers are real people, by the way, and share this story in their book, “Soul Healing Love.”

 

“Helpless Smart Dummy” wrote in to “Dear Abby” saying she was in a terrible relationship with a very abusive man and she didn’t know how, with 2 master’s degrees, she could have picked such a narcissistic jerk.  She wondered, “what’s wrong with me?”

Come to find out, she grew up in an abusive family of alcoholics and ragers and fit the characteristics of adult children of alcoholics,  She went on to say “I’m afraid to kick him out because I never meet anyone and I’ve been alone most of my life”

Amy responded:  “People who grew up in chaotic, neglectful, abusive, and alcoholic households often internalize the idea that they are somehow “Not enough.”  Probably because, despite their heroic efforts as children, they can’t fix, heal, or change the dynamics of their family of origin. 

They wind up having codependency issues or like Beverly and Tom, have terrible reactions and wind up with miserable relationships if they don’t attend to their childhood traumas.  The writer to “Dear Amy” didn’t even realize what was wrong.  She didn’t like it, but she thought this was normal --  isn’t this how everybody’s home is?  Because when you live in the middle of chaos and are shown nothing else, that’s what you think.  “Everybody lives like this, and I guess I just have to live like this too.  What else am I going to do?”

So you have to recognize that, and how you do that is sometimes just by reading stories like this, and lightbulbs go off over your head – yeah, this is not normal; it’s not right. 

The question then arises: 

How do you attend to those childhood traumas?  Attend means to:   Pay attention to – don’t ignore, to take care of, to minister to.   So, all the mess you thought you’d left behind can come back to haunt you until you

1.    Are aware of destructive patterns

2.    Ask for help

3.    Begin to process the pain

When you have that aha! moment i- “OMG, that sounds like my childhood,” what do you need to do?  You can see a counselor; you can take a course, read a book or attend a group. 

Often, you can’t see the forest for the trees and need an objective third party to help point out patterns that are self-destructive, not only for the people around you, but for you as well. 

When somebody says to you, “Whoa!  That was way out of line,” pay attention, notice patterns.  When you’ve come out of such backgrounds, you’re going to come out with wounds and scars – you can’t help it.  It’s not your fault.  However, a lot of kids growing up that way will feel “there’s something wrong with me, I’m not good enough,” because they probably tried to get it to stop – they begged and pleaded, and when it doesn’t work, they feel they’ve failed, I’m not good enough” because nothing changed.  And those messages stick in your limbic brain, that survival part of your brain and will raise its ugly head in your romantic relationship.

 

When you’re trying to get your life straightened out, and it’s all crooked, you may have to forgive, you may have to face fears, but when you’re with a safe person, you can do it!  

And join me for my 4-week class on Yes! I Said No! How To Set Healthy Boundaries and Increase Your Self Esteem that starts on January 16 – go to www.barbrarussell.com/masterclass for more details.