Three Things We Can Do In Hard Times

3 Things We Can Do In Hard Times

Enough already!  I think everyone in 2020 is probably sick and tired of this year; this virus, this unrest and tension.  I know I am.  Good news!  Here’s three things we can do in hard times such as this year.

1.     First, we laugh. 

Laughter and a sense of humor are good for your emotional, physical, and spiritual health.  If it doesn’t come naturally to you, look for jokes and humor everywhere – including laughing at yourself!  Guess what?  You don’t have to be perfect; the ability to laugh at your own mistakes is associated with mental flexibility and the ability to shift perspective.  If you learn this lesson in 2020, it will serve you well the rest of your life.  Here’s 6 other benefits:

a.     Laughter promotes relaxation

b.     Laughter boosts your immune system

c.     Laughter improves your mood

d.     Laughter prevents heart disease

e.     Laughter shifts your perspective

f.      Laughter has social benefits -  hey!  It improves cooperation, communication and romance!

So, learn to laugh.  I collect jokes I can use in my “Funny Fridays” posts on social media.  Here’s one I saw:

Anyone else feel like Halloween is unnecessary this year? I’ve been wearing a mask and eating candy for 7 months now, I don’t think I need a day dedicated to it anymore…..

2.     Next, We Cry

It’s ok to cry.  This year, as our son struggled with an unknown, mysterious, unrelenting pain-causing condition, we all cried, we pleaded with God, we let it all out.  Because it’s ok to cry. 

            Benefits of crying:

·      Detoxifies the body.  Did you know you need to be detoxified?  Yep!

·      Helps self-soothe.

·      Dulls pain – now there’s a benefit!

·      Improves your mood – who would have thought it?

·      Rallies support – ok, that presupposes you’re ok crying in front of other people

·      Helps you recover from grief

·      Restores emotional balance

·      Helps a baby breathe – see, all these years, you thought they cried just to irritate you! 

And I know, I know, in our culture guys aren’t supposed to cry – with the possible exception of impending death or divorce – and then only in private.  But I won’t tell on you if you break this unspoken rule.  Because I’m a counselor and I know what helps!

But because most men follow the rules, here’s what you can also do:

·      Be angry, and sin not – the Bible tells us so. 

·      Release frustrations by hitting pillows, (not walls; that’s bad for your fists and the wall).

·      Write out all those feelings on paper, or the computer. 

·      Physical activity – you can furiously run, do other sports or exercise. 

The main point is that you get all the nasty emotions out of your head or where they’ve been stuffed down in your body to the outside.

3.      Thirdly, We Do Something

            I watched an old movie the other night – Flight of the Phoenix – with Jimmy Stewart – the story of a WWII plane shot down in the desert – and the survivors are racing against time when they will run out of water.  At first, they’re propped up against the broken remains of their plane, exhausted and depressed.  One guy says he can fix the plane so it will fly, but it seems an impossible and improbable task. 

            At some point, one of them said: “it’s better to be occupied – even if it doesn’t work and the plane doesn’t fly, we can lie around and watch each other die or we can work together.  Let’s DO something.” They forced their tired bodies into action – and you could see the rejuvenation happen on the screen.   Because, you see, purpose and passion creates energy.  When you’re down, do something!

            That reminds me of the story in the Bible (2 Kings 7:8-20) of 4 lepers sitting outside the city gates who were basically in the same situation.  There was famine in the city, and it looked like there was no hope anywhere.  They said to one another: “why sit here until we die?  If we go into the city, we will die; and if we sit here, we’ll also die.  So let’s surrender to the army of the Syrians; if they keep us alive, we shall live and if they kill us, we shall but die.”  We’re going to die either way, we might as well do something!

            Sometimes, especially in hard times like now, our bodies and our minds can trap us into believing “what’s the use?  Nothing’s going to change anyway.”  We can get discouraged and give up.  But hear this:      

            Figure out something you’ve been wanting to try; or something you already know you like to do.  I talked to a lady who used to LOVE to teach kids how to cook, but she had given up on that.  As she began to think about that, her eyes lit up and you could just see the ideas starting to percolate.  “She could do that by Zoom now!”  She remembered that passion and it developed into purpose.

            What makes you come alive?  What brings you life?  Remember these three tips:  After you’ve laughed; after you’ve cried, it’s time to dream. 

Me?  I decided to do video recordings of my “Therapy Thursday” social media posts.  So much more fun!  Purpose and Passion get you “unstuck,” bring you energy, and will help get you through tough times.

We need laughs! We need hope! Here you go.....

(picture - When I first started dating Jerry and thought it would be so funny to “nail him” - so that’s a nail he had just bitten into from that Red ‘Velvet cake). The crazy things you do when you’re young!

BLOOPERS AND LAUGHS – ENCOURAGEMENT, TOOLS AND HOPE 

In this crazy year of 2020, we need some laughs.  And we need some things to help us get through this (and we will GET THROUGH THIS – we just don’t want to get too dinged up in the process!)

 (pic -- When I first started dating Jerry and thought it would be so funny to "nail him" - so that's a nail he had just bitten into from that Red Velvet cake.).  The crazy things you do when you're young!  

A few years later -- After painting the bedroom walls, my husband prepared to put back the pictures.  "How should I hang them?" he asked me, "too high or too low?"  (He knew me well!) The crazy things that happen when you're married! 

That’s a couple of funny things; now here’s a hopeful and helpful thing:

Let me tell you about a free online summit that I, along with 15 other professionals, are presenting. 
 
I decided to participate in this summit because the most normal thing to happen in 2020 was abnormality!  
 
I kept telling my clients, and I’ll tell you:  “When turmoil comes, you need specific tools to support your well being.”  Therefore, I encourage you to take advantage of this: 
 
The "Women's Responder Resilience Summit" was first envisioned for women first-responders; however, as Ana-Christina kept developing it, she decided to make it open to anyone.  Because we’re all, in some way, trying to survive and bring someone else along with us:  Here’s some highlights of the Summit which will be 3 days - Nov. 4-6. 

• 15 resilience experts share their best resilience tools.

• 3 days of Physical, Mental, and Emotional Resilience.

• Each day's videos will be available for 24 hours

• Check out the sessions at the link below

http://bit.ly/WRRBARBRA

Register today; get your free ticket and find out about ALL the good stuff you'll see, hear and receive.  After the actual day of the event, it remains on-line for 24 hours.  You can also purchase whole packages for a small fee.  

Check it out - and hey, if you have some good laughs to share, send them my way; I post things for #Funny Fridays.

Barbra

How Are You Holding Up This Year?

How are you holding up this year?

(Join me on Facebook live Oct. 1 as we discuss this topic – 1 p.m. Mountain time) 

            Some people are doing ok; others, not so well.  Kelly Taylor, a worker in the Geotech industry had this to say:  “The fact that I don’t interact with anybody at all is difficult.  Even as an introvert, it gets really old being inside my head all the time.”  She went on to say,  “I feel isolated and like nobody cares about me or even gives me enough thought to care.”  Well, all I can say is, “Kelly, I bet you’re not alone.”  In fact, here’s some interesting research I found about mental health burnout, published by Martec Corp.

This study found 4 groups in various stages of burnout:    

1.    Thriving – 16% of workers in this category – primarily females in mid 20’s to mid 50’s and those who described themselves as introverts

2.    Hopeful – 25%. – Satisfied with employers but struggle with mental health and productivity issues

3.    Discouraged – 26% - Significant decline in mental health and job satisfaction

4.    Trapped – 33% - Suffered the biggest decline in mental health and in company satisfaction – missed out the most - interacting with colleagues.  Miserable at home and anxious to return to how things were before.

People in categories 3 and 4 were primarily extraverts – that makes sense, doesn’t it?  They’re the ones most in need of energy-rechargers like people, noise, and lots of things going on!  

             Where do you find yourself?  Obviously, we all want to be in the “Thriving” Category, but those results showed only 16% -- What are those folks doing to thrive? 

            Resiliency is the big winner – that ability to adapt, to recover quickly from difficulties, toughness.  Just like Mortimer the Cat here tells us, “you don’t throw someone out just because they’ve been dinged up a bit.”  People with resiliency may get dinged up a bit, but they will make it – to that “thriving” category. 

            How can you become more resilient?  Here are 10 ways:

1.    Don’t try to solve problems with the same thinking that created them.  If you keep wishing for “the good old days before COVID,” that won’t help.

2.    Master your emotions before they manage you.  Remember you’ve overcome setbacks before and you can do it again.

3.    Stay tough – Face your fears and focus on possibilities.

4.    Keep growing – Life is not what happens to us, but what happens in us.

5.    Stay prepared – Don’t get “analysis paralysis.”

6.    Pick yourself up, as many times as it takes.  Never give up!

7.    Reward the small wins.  Believe in yourself

8.    Keep giving – Don’t stop your tithing; find ways to care for others

9.    Build relationships, both personal and professional

10. Create your own meaning – a personal “why.” 

Remember the choices we make every day determine how resilient we can be when things go wrong. 

      I encourage you to be one of the 16% who’s thriving – even in this year of I-can’t-believe-this-is-happening!  Even if you can identify with Mortimer the Cat - dinged up but still hanging in there!

      And if you need some help in moving into that category, please e-mail me for a counseling appointment – and remember to join me each Thursday at 1 p.m. Mountain time on Facebook when I’ll share my “Therapy Thursday’s”.

Hearing Sirens Has a Different Meaning Now

Hearing sirens in the distance brought tears to my eyes today - this time in gratitude. 

6 years ago my hubby suddenly lost consciousness and fell backward on the concrete floor of the garage, splitting his head open.  As I saw the ever-widening pool of blood under his head, it was hard not to panic.

I always wondered how I’d respond in such a situation; my previous reactions to stressful situations were not so good! But, I surprised myself that day.

It’s eerie to be the one demanding he not die, pound on his chest and pray, then to call 911. 

It some ways, it was surreal. Sure enough, just like in the movies, they kept talking me through it until the ambulance arrived. 

Paramedics said his heart stopped, doctors said he’d probably need a pacemaker and specialists kept shaking their heads. 

The next day he was released with no ill effects, no pacemaker and a strong heart and body.  God is good!

She Was Someone Who Couldn't Say No -- Is That You?

In my book, Yes! I Said No!, I share the example of Susan, a client who came to see me because of extreme anxiety, panic attacks, and depression.  

Over the years, she had adopted an unhealthy lifestyle, one of trying to please others. She was someone who couldn’t say “No.”

The step-by-step process I utilized in the office with her and others like her, was so successful, I began to conduct workshops to help others. 

Maybe you can relate to Susan. 

Maybe you're sick of feeling unheard. 

Maybe you're sick and tired of fighting, disagreeing, and going over the same issues over and over. 

Maybe you're tired of feeling stuck. 

Maybe you didn’t learn how to live differently. You weren’t taught. By recognizing this, you're not throwing anyone under the bus or blaming. You ARE saying you didn't learn. And, it’s ok – because you can get the tools now! 

I created this masterclass for you — if you want LESS STRESS & MORE SUCCESS.

In this class, you will get keys:

• To improve your marriage.

• To create closer family relationships.

• To say no without blowing up, wimping out or running away.

• To stop being a people pleaser.

• To care for people without carrying them.

• To restore healthy relationships.

• To be more confident. 

• To experience less stress and more success in work relationships – with bosses, colleagues, and clients.

• To more easily talk to people, 1:1, small groups, large groups.

BENEFITS:

Reduce Conflict.

Reduce Stress.

Build Rapport Fast.

Become a more Confident Communicator.

Get effective, efficient, comfortable, and have more fun.

KEY TAKEAWAYS:

• Use your new awareness to understand yours and others' behaviors over the years.

• Take the codependency assessment and gain new self-awareness. 

• Stop hurting your relationship. Use your new awareness to build your relationships.

• Reduce stress by communicating more clearly in a way you never could before.

• How to serve others more successfully.

• How to build rapport quickly which means that you build trust and agreement more easily.

• How to use in a group as well as 1:1.

• GET MORE CONFIDENT.

DETAILS:

• Intimate class setting – 20 seats max. 

• Class worksheets – which means no more scrambling to take all the notes!  

• 4 classes versus 1 crammed-jam-packed-mega-class – which means you have time to process and ask questions.

• Group Coaching — which means you will learn with each other. 

• Break-out sessions — which means you get to practice.

• Miss a class? It’s ok! You’ll get the RECORDED LINK.

• Four one hour LIVE ONLINE dynamic classes taught by Barbra Russell. 

WHEN:

Saturday mornings, July 11, 18, 25 and August 1, 2020

At 10 A.M. Mountain Time 

(Schedule conflict? No worries. Register to get recorded links.)

WHERE:

You’ll get a unique Zoom link once you register.

Would you like to give a registration as a gift to someone? Email me.

Do you need a payment plan? Tap here.

Do you still have some questions? Email me.

Email: barb@barbrarussell.com

INVEST IN YOURSELF

What you get:

• The opportunity to gather, get encouraged, get equipped.

• Class worksheets and notes.

• Codependency Assessment

• Access to Class Recordings

• Dynamic class, group coaching, and tools to boost your communication and impact your relationships.

The Quarantine/Crisis/CoronaChaos Discounted Price, for Summer

2020: $149 

That's a total value of over $500 worth of therapy and tools combined for all 4 classes, for only $149. Tap here to choose the payment plan 37.50 every month for 4 months.

Yes. I want these tools which will impact my communication at work, volunteering, and at home!

This crisis has taken too much from you already, hasn’t it? Get the tools.

• Say no without blowing up, wimping out or running away

• Stop being a people pleaser

• Care for people without carrying them

• Restore healthy relationships

• Be confident! 

Yes. Sign me up, sign me up!

I still have some questions.

Email Barbra at barb@barbrarussell.com 

Live your best life, starting now! 

Is "Virus Fatigue" Real?

Is “Virus Fatigue” Real?

• ·      70% of people say they need a break from the news because COVID-related news makes them feel worse emotionally.

• ·       I’ve seen hundreds of comments on social media that look like this: 

•  “I am…..Lonely, angry, tired of being strong, of having to be a superwoman, sad, discouraged, feeling let down, afraid, and overwhelmed.”  Others said they were mad at God but afraid to admit it; they missed church, friends and loved ones.  And I’m still haunted by the cry of one of my clients, “I’m safe, but I’m not OK!”

            Whether we call these reactions quarantine fatigue (relating to our emotional state) or virus fatigue (referring to physical symptoms), I think we can safely declare that virus/quarantine fatigue is real, and it has infected a lot of us. 

            So if you come down with this bug, what are you supposed to do?  What CAN you do?

First of all, let’s strike down some myths that likely surround this contagious state.

Myth 1:  The pain will go away faster if you ignore it. 

FACT:  Trying to ignore your feelings or keep them from surfacing will only make

It worse in the long run.  For real healing, it is necessary to face this situation and actively deal with it. 

            Some of the comments from that vast number of social media followers read like this:

            “It feels good just to get the words out,”

            “When I write my feelings and my prayers down, it helps,” 

            These folks have discovered what I know as a coach and counselor:  When you acknowledge your fears – by writing them down or talking to a safe person – they lose some of their power to control you.  You see, when they just run amok in your brain, they circle and circle around and, like a Twilight Show episode, will drive you crazy with all the “ANTS – Awful Negative Thoughts.”  

ANTS - Awful Negative Thoughts

So take away that control – face those scary thoughts head on and say them out loud.

Myth 2:   It’s important to be “strong” in the face of crisis. 

FACT:  Feeling sad, frightened or lonely is a normal reaction in times like these.

Crying doesn’t mean you’re weak.  And you don’t need to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front.  Showing your true feelings can help them and you.  Think about what people have found to help in difficult times:  For example: “Sometimes it’s OK to not be OK.”  “What helps me is a good cry.”  And Paul tells us in the Bible:  “…that is why for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in… hardships, for when I am weak, then I am strong.” 

            Myth 3. If you DON’T cry or freak out, you’re not worried at all and must be in denial. 

            FACT:  Crying is a normal response to sadness, loneliness or fear, but it’s not the only one.  Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others.  They may simply handle things differently or have other ways of expressing their feelings.  I would also add that some people get angry, and that’s OK too.  Even the Bible instructs us to “be angry, but sin not.”  So as long as you find a healthy outlet for that anger; (i.e. no yelling, screaming or hurting others for example), you’re good.  A lot of times you can work off anger by physical exercise, or use the energy generated to set boundaries or start something you’ve been afraid to face. 

Now, let’s talk about what we can do to get through this virus fatigue.

1.     Like physical, spiritual and emotional fatigue, you need rest to get over this bug. 

The “I’ve-got-to-keep-going-24/7-to-be-successful” atmosphere the world has developed over past generations has not been our friend.  “REST is not a bad word, so don’t feel guilty for resting.” 

2.     Lack of consistency or structure contributes to this bug, and the longer the lockdown lasts, the more risk there is for emotional toil. 

So the answer is – you guessed it – routines and plans. Get up every morning and get dressed, even if it’s in comfortable clothes.  But it’s better than lying around all day in your pj’s.  Put makeup on and be beautiful just for you and your family.  After all, they’re the important ones in your life, right?  Divide your day into work-time and rest-time, play-time and productive time.  You’ll feel more in charge of you, your day and this pesky virus fatigue.

3.     I started this blog by reporting that most people need a break from the news because COVID-related news makes them feel worse emotionally.  Well HELLO, yes it does!

One of the best treatments for this virus fatigue is not to feed it.

            This may take discipline on your part, but I guarantee you when you don’t start your morning with the latest news on TV, computer or newspaper, you’re off to a better start.  Follow that up by only checking social media for interesting, educational or fun facts your Facebook friends offer.  You really can skip over all those dire predictions and discouraging statistics.  Believe me, if there’s something important you need to know in the world, you’ll hear about it.  I remember when 9/11 occurred, we didn’t see it on TV or know anything about it until some friends called.  You’ll find out if you need to know it.

            You’ve heard – and you know – about other physical and spiritual remedies; I just wanted to offer you something for your mental health today.

            So take a break already – go the mountains or to the beach; get out in your backyard and watch for birds and butterflies.  Let’s beat this virus fatigue bug!

Crisis Coping with the Coach and the Counselor

Need practical tools and tips to deal with the Year of the Corona Virus?

Ana-Christina Hicks (Certified Coach) and me (Licensed Counselor) decided to put our heads together for people who need quick and easy to follow guidelines for help. Each Friday morning at 10 am. MST we share a short video, then have a time for discussion - all on Zoom from the comfort of your home, office or anywhere!

Join us at https://bit.ly/ZOOMCCCC

Our Mom Taught Us A Lot Of Things -- Sometimes Silently

Thanks, Moms, For Teaching Us Silent Lessons 

             There are 7.6 billion people on the planet and yet each one of us feels unique and special.  How do we come to realize that?  Because God sent us moms. 

   Moms show us love and tell us we’re special.  But, just as importantly, they teach us silent lessons. 

             Here are three silent lessons I learned because my mom lived them:      

1.    It’s never too late, and you’re never too old.

 Late in life my mother returned to a small community school in Broken Bow Oklahoma to get her GED. My sister and I were adults and she and dad were retired when she was awarded that diploma.  “It’s never too late” she silently taught me.

 2.    You can go through hell and not be bitter or broken.

  My mother endured years of abuse from her father. She also went through The Great Depression and her family survived by selling bootleg liquor from a still in the backwoods. Those two experiences alone would be enough to make anyone resentful and mean.  But the only effect I saw was that mom kept plastic containers to re-use and recycle before recycling was the thing to do.

Instead of bitterness or brokenness, I saw grace and thankfulness birthed out of poverty and rejection.  She silently taught me: “You can go through hell and not be bitter or broken.”

3.    You can give 100% to God, your husband, your children and yourself and still have love to give.

My mother was a strong Christian, pastor’s wife, mother of two children, and she took care of herself by dealing with the effects of abuse at age 68.

In the middle of showing me how to balance different roles without sacrificing one for the other, she silently taught me: “The more you love, the more love grows” 

What did your mother silently teach you and how did that impact your life?

 I’ll tell you how those silent lessons made a difference in MY life:

 1.     I went back to school late in life. I continue to learn and can say with my mom, “it’s never too late and you’re never too old.

 2..     When the doctor kept saying “We’ll be lucky if all she loses is her leg; it’s cancer,” she had silently taught me not to give up.  And even after 10 surgeries and going through my own personal hell of surgery, recovery, and months in a wheelchair, my mother’s silent lesson taught me: “You can go through hell and not be bitter or let life break you.”

 3.     I’ve been a Christian most of my life, I have a long lasting marriage and  my son is a man to be proud of (which I’m taking partial credit for J)   I too have learned , “the more you love, the more love grows.”

 Out of 7.6 billion people, I am unique and special.  Out of 7.6 billion people, you are unique and special. 

And we have our moms to thank for teaching us silent lessons        

What Can We Learn From The Greatest Generation?

            It’s been said that America was able to win in World War II because its’ men and women went through the Great Depression. 

        During that time, my grandfather became a moonshiner – making whiskey in the woods, and my mother’s family drove from Oklahoma to California to work in the fruit orchards just like the movie “Grapes of Wrath.”

The Greatest Generation, as they’ve been called, suffered through hardship and deprivation in the depression (no coffee, no sugar, no nylons and no work) and learned to innovate and create something out of nothing.  And those changes stayed with them.   I still remember my parents saving plastic containers and shopping at Goodwill, even when it was no longer necessary. 

         Importantly, that generation developed common values of personal responsibility, duty, honor, country and faith because they fought a common enemy – first the Great Depression, then a Great War.

        Their remarkable actions provided succeeding generations (you and me) with opportunities to excel like never before.

        Now, like them, we fight a common enemy and we can no longer deny our need for cooperation and dependence on one another.  By working together, by digging deep within our own resources and resolve, we will win this COVID-19 war and all the effects reverberating through our economy, our relationships and our way of life.  We will be tested, but we will make it!

        As the saying goes, it is often in the darkest skies that we see the brightest stars. 

        How are you shining in this time?  I’m becoming a “zoomie,”  doing on-line counseling and trying to encourage others by writing – like this blog or on social media and hosting a Bible study counseling class.  Those are my gifts and where I think I can do the most good.

        You have gifts and are perhaps learning new skills that will benefit you and others.  This is the time to shine!  And this is your time to share!  You may inspire someone else! 

The next virus wave -- your mental health

MENTAL HEALTH  --- THE NEXT VIRUS WAVE

 “I’m safe but I’m not ok.  I need to talk to you.”

             As the days go by, I believe we’re going to hear more comments like this one: “I’m safe but I’m not ok,”  The next virus wave is hitting us like a tsunami after an earthquake– the impact on our mental health.   

            We’ve all been surviving through this pandemic by going through the stages of grief, whether we realize it or not.  Denial, depression and anger arise as we struggle to deal with loss.           

Yes, we’re going through grief because we’ve experienced loss – loss of life as we knew it, loss of contact with other humans, and perhaps scariest of all, loss of control.  There’s so much going on we can’t control --  the virus sweeping the world, lock-down orders and the new reality of quarantine. It’s no wonder people don’t feel ok because we humans tend to catastrophize the unknown. 

The impact of such loss can be overwhelming.  We undoubtedly know someone who has caught the virus or has loved ones affected and they can’t go near them, can’t offer the comfort of their presence or a steadying hand.  During such times, stress, fear and grief impact the immune system as an overload of cortisol bombards the mind.

There are other risk factors which arise during such times as well. 

Dr. Hunter Kennedy, Executive Director of Colorado Footprints for Recovery, stated “isolation is one of the components for usage and addiction.”  And Vincent Atchity, CEO of Mental Health Colorado emphasized the importance of dealing with our mental health:  “This particular crisis really drives the message home that our physical health and our mental health are not two separate things.  They are, in fact, two sides of the very same coin.  Our thoughts, our beliefs and our faith make up the glue that holds us and society together.”

Now’s the time to focus on what we can control, what we are in charge of, and keep in mind these tips:

1.     Normalize the emotions – it’s ok to feel and go through all the stages of grief.

2.    Take back control of the part of the world you can – that’s pretty much all inside your head.  Remember, your brain is the #1 organ responsible for your immune system, and we need a strong immune system to withstand the mental and physical toil of the upcoming days, weeks and months.  You might be isolated, but you can face-time friends and family.  You may not be able to see other people at work, church or school, but you can take an on-line class or join the rest of us in learning how to operate Zoom 😊  As you control those parts of your world, the world outside won’t seem so frightening.

3.    Protect and feed your mind – You can get all the critical, necessary information you need in 3 minutes.  This is not the time to insatiably feed on news coverage of the latest crisis.  Instead of being tormented by the “what if’s,” spend time remembering “what is.”  Recording three new things to be grateful for each day might be the start of a new habit which will serve you long beyond this time of crisis. 

4.    Nourish your physical body – eating lots of comfort foods might feel reassuring somehow as we “stress bake” and binge on Netflix series.  This is the week to start the exercise routine, even if it’s in a different place.  This is the week to eat healthy foods and experiment with some new recipes using coconut flour and dates, for example, instead of sugar and flour. 

5.    Don’t forget your spiritual regimen – that time you spend with God in prayer and in His Word will bring calmness to your spirit and harmony to your being.

I am heartened to hear of restaurants providing meals to hospital workers and that more people are watching church services online.  People are sharing and becoming creative in all sorts of ways.

That simply tells me:  The times that try men’s souls are the times we have opportunities to rise and shine.     

Negative Assumptions -- They're Killers

Negative Assumptions – They’re Killers

 “The doctor didn’t call today; I know that means the test results are bad and they just don’t want to tell me.”

“She looked upset; I know she’s mad at me.”

“He didn’t text.  He doesn’t love me anymore.”

“They didn’t even look at me or say hello or anything today.  I know we’ll never be friends again.”

Have you ever thought things like this?  Naaaahhhhhh not you, right?  Guess again.  I believe I can truthfully say that most people have experienced this worrisome condition at some time in their lives and if they’re prone to anxiety and depression, they’re suffering a lot. 

Such assumptions cause stress hormones like cortisol to start racing through your body like a lake rapidly covering all surrounding territory after the dam breaks. When you think about it, you’ll realize negative assumptions arise out of fear.

·         “What if I’m going to die?”

·         “What if I lose that friendship?”

·         “What if we get a divorce?”

The devastation caused by such damage, especially if it happens repeatedly, is severe, ranging from stress and depression to ulcers, illness or divorce.  Even scarier, negative assumptions can turn into self-fulfilling prophecies and you hear yourself saying, like Job of old, “what I feared has come to pass.”

Yet, you can survive and even thrive after you become aware and then begin to capture and change those negative assumptions.  Couples often get caught in this trap, reluctant to communicate because they might not like what they hear.  And so the assumptions pile up against the ever-weakening dam of their relationship.

Turn the tide by learning from this couple I cited in my book, “Yes! I Said No!”

Todd recently asked his wife Sandra this question: “What did you mean by that?”

His question took her by surprise because he had never asked her that before.  But his tone was respectful, with a genuine “I-really-want-to-know” attitude.  She quickly recovered from her surprise, and they began to discuss an earlier conversation.  As they talked, both realized he had misunderstood something she had said.

It was a good thing he asked the question.

Don’t be afraid to ask the question.  Face your fears and call the doc’s office; get up your courage and reach out to your friend.  Or, do what Todd did and ask your spouse, “what did you mean by that?”

Your relationships will grow closer; your body will appreciate the necessary care you give it, and most of all you won’t let negative assumptions rule you – because they can be a killer.

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I Remember the Bad..............And It Helps

I remember the bad……… and it helps

   When you are knocked to your knees by things you didn’t see coming or that you were unprepared to handle, don’t let that fate become your future. 

There have been times when, looking back over the year, I’d “count my many blessings and name them one by one.”

Not this year.  This year I cried.  A lot.  This year I felt discouraged.  Many times.  This year I had to keep giving myself a pep talk to “practice what you preach” about gratitude, faith and believing.

Our son has been through 10 months of hell with severe back pain, stomach issues, weird problems with thyroid issues – and he no longer even has a thyroid.  If you’ve ever walked with a loved one through such torment, you know it drains you, frustrates and annoys you, because you can’t help.  They’re suffering, and because they are, you are.  Yes, that’s where I’ve been.  

Then I remember the bad…….. and it helps.

“Why?”  you might ask.

Because when I remember other bad times and other terrible situations I’ve been through, when I reflect on others’ pain and that they’ve somehow made it, I’m encouraged to believe I can too.    

 I remember when I was bed-ridden for almost a year, in severe pain, unable to work, clean my house or cook.  And yet, even though it seemed to stretch into eternity, I did recover, and returned to work and life. 

I remember bad days when my husband seemed to be wasting away in front of our eyes and no one could decide if he had Lyme’s disease or some other debilitating horror.  It was a very bad year.  However, he came back stronger than ever and now, when others are taking it easy, he bounds up stairs in a way younger men would envy.   

I remember my niece hearing those dreaded words, “if you have family. you need to say your good-byes.”  That was not a good Easter season.  Nevertheless, that same year at Christmas, she gleefully checked off a bucket-list item and waded into the Pacific Ocean for the first time ever. 

I remember the bad…….. and it helps.

I saw a quote the other day that read like this:  “On particularly rough days, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that’s pretty good.” 

Yes, I remember the bad days.  And it helps. I celebrate because life seems even more precious now.  When you have bad days or a bad year, remember you’ll get through them.   As the old saying goes:  “What does not kill us makes us stronger.”   Bill Johnson once talked about Faith being both a Gift and a Fruit, and fruit can grow.   Perhaps ironically, it seems the prime growing season for Faith is in bad times.

 That’s why I remember the bad…….. and it helps.

If this has been a great year of counting your blessings, I celebrate with you!  However, if you say, “this was not a good year,” I encourage you to remember:  this too shall pass.

When you are knocked to your knees by things you didn’t see coming or that you were unprepared to handle, don’t let that fate become your future.  Get back up.  

And sometimes if you remember the bad you’ve been through…..it will help. 

How To Survive The Holidays

Surviving the Holidays

Unmet Expectations – It’s a Set-Up!

I’ve been waiting a loooooooooong 4 minutes in the McDonald’s drive through. Four minutes, and I’m getting mad at McDonald’s! Two cars in front of me, several bags of hamburgers, fries and drinks have transferred from the drive-through window to the cars, and I’ve become the prosecutor in a silent trial with the dashboard clock my star witness.
Four minutes – I don’t remember waiting so long at a McDonald’s – it seems forever! And after all, all I want is a cup of coffee, black — I expected much quicker service from Mickey D’s!

I need my coffee - right now!

As I pull away from the window, I realize the absurdity of my fuming thoughts – Four minutes, really? I’ve spent that much time debating over which pair of earrings to wear. My expectations of McDonald’s (and truth be told, many other places, people and situations) have gotten a bit unrealistic.

When that happens, it’s a set-up for a let-down.

During the holiday season, it’s easy to experience unmet expectations. We set ourselves up for a let-down when we add, add, add things to our already busy schedules. It’s like my college professor who challenged his students, many of whom were working full time and attending classes in the evening: “Now that you’ve taken this on, what have you taken out of your schedule?” That was a wake-up call for me; I just expected to fit it all in, I suppose.

Without realizing it, we might expect a Norman Rockwell painting of the perfect family gathering – there will be warm bonding experiences and all the food will be delicious. But then the arguments start; there’s the empty chair where Grandmother used to sit, and we miss the kids because they’re at the “other” house this holiday,

We’ve just been set up for a let-down.

It’s no wonder, then, that we find ourselves participating in a Holiday trial of Happy Expectations vs. Reality 101 where everyone winds up being sentenced to a couple of months in Stress Prison.

What are we to do?

• Remember what’s important – what’s the real “Reason for the Season?”
• What are we going to cut out because we’ve added something on?
• Ecclesiastes 3 says there’s a time to weep and a time to laugh. Give yourself permission to do both at this holiday season.
• Set a holiday budget and don’t be “guilted” into exceeding it.

I remember one Christmas when our son was about 5. Money was tight, and we had saved just enough to buy him a new bicycle for his gift. However, on Christmas morning, our eager anticipation was deflated, as he ran to the tree and exclaimed, “Is that all? He was expecting many packages to open and even though we knew his bicycle was worth more than all the little things, he was patently disappointed. Then, of course, we felt guilty because we wouldn’t be awarded the “best parents of the year” award — an un-stated, unrealistic expectation we parents often place on ourselves.

As adults, we may not say that out loud, but sometimes I think that’s our internal dialogue. “Is that all there is? I’ve scrimped and saved and prepared for THIS?” “Is that all? I expected more.”

When we get over-stressed, and our expectations are not met, it’s indeed a set-up for a let-down. Let’s remember to keep things realistic, set limits for ourselves and others and “Count our blessings, name them one by one!.”

The Scary Trifecta of Mental Health -- Anxiety, Depresson and Bipolar

            I’m a counselor, right?  So I figure it would be good to write something about anxiety, depression and bipolar disorder, a trifecta of mental health experiences you’ve probably heard about. 

Cease and desist complaining!

 Random Facts About Anxiety

The constant and continually changing worries of people with anxiety disorder are mostly about everyday matters; they can’t shake the feeling that something bad will happen and they will not be prepared. (missing an appointment, losing a job, having an accident)  Anxiety is the most common mental illness in the U.S. 

            Included in anxiety conditions are various phobias like social phobia, agoraphobia and OCD, or obsessive compulsive disorder.  And if you’ve ever had a panic attack, you know those symptoms of heart racing, numbness and  tingling in your extremities, short, gasping breaths can send you to the emergency room, thinking you’re having a heart attack!  That’s how scary anxiety can be. 

            As shown on the thermal images of the picture above, the brain’s chemistry is directly affected in anxiety, depression and bipolar disorder. 

Depression

Is more than just sadness.   People with depression may experience a lack of interest and pleasure in daily activities, significant weight loss or gain, insomnia or excessive sleeping, lack of energy, inability to concentrate, feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt and recurrent thoughts of death or suicide.

            A recent study revealed that in general, 300 million people worldwide experience depression.  That’s 300l,000,000 – a lot!  About 50% have both anxiety and depression.

            As in anxiety, the brain’s chemistry is impacted by an overload of adrenaline creating cortisol, the stress hormone.  High levels of cortisol can wear down the brain’s ability to function properly, so you definitely want to stop that production as quickly as possible! 

            Fortunately, depression is treatable. A combination of therapy and antidepressant medication can help ensure recovery. (American Psychological Association). 

 Bipolar Disorder

A serious mental illness in which common emotions become intensely and often unpredictably magnified. Individuals with bipolar disorder can quickly swing from extremes of happiness, energy and clarity to sadness, fatigue and confusion. These shifts can be so devastating that individuals may choose suicide.

All people with bipolar disorder have manic episodes — abnormally elevated or irritable moods that last at least a week and impair functioning. But not all become depressed (WebMD)

            Although bipolar disorder is a disruptive, long-term condition, you can keep your moods in check by following a treatment plan. In most cases, bipolar disorder can be controlled with medications and psychological counseling (psychotherapy).

 What Can Be Done About These Three?

            If things are bad enough, you may need an antidepressant and/or anti-anxiety medication.  With bipolar disorder, you generally need to see a psychiatrist to see if you will benefit from a mood stabilizer as well. 

Some other helpful things you can do on your own:

·         Science agrees that food can be a powerful tool for people dealing with depression and anxiety.  The good and bad news:  Sugar throughout the day with ice cream and candy needs to be cut way down.  And, of course, as we have all heard (but might not heed) the messages of no grains, no dairy, more healthy fats, medium amounts of protein and most importantly, lots of vegetables.

·         Exercise is so beneficial that some people have overcome their symptoms by regular working out, running, or walking.  If you start feeling anxious, doing a few jumping jacks, or a quick walk around the office or home helps give that extra adrenaline a place to exit! 

·         Set healthy boundaries – I once had a client with an extreme case of anxiety and depression who began to speak up for herself, told her family and friends no most of the time so she could choose to say yes when she wanted. (See Yes! I Said No!)

·         Care enough to confront.  Many people avoid confrontation like the plague; as a result, they often stuff anger and resentment so deep it turns into depression.  I have a list of 10 guidelines to help you confront positively that you can receive by contacting me at barb@barbrarussell.com 

·         Practice gratitude.   I believe this is so crucial, it could have gone to the top of the list.  Most people automatically look for what’s wrong (a survival mechanism, after all), but that continual sweep of your environment or hearing what’s wrong repeatedly in the media (including social media), will definitely stress you out!  I recommend writing down 3 new things you are grateful for each day. 

I trust this information has been helpful; if I can provide additional information or answer any questions, I am happy to do so. 

Here’s to living well – Barbra Russell   

How to Have a Healthy Relationship

I was honored to be a resource for this article by Meg Scanlon. Check it out for some specific and practical tips:

https://lovetv.co/how-our-brains-are-designed-to-look-for-whats-wrong/

How Our Brains Are Designed To Look For What’s Wrong

How Our Brains Are Designed To Look For What’s Wrong

20 Sep

How to turn it around in a relationship

We all want to live our best lives and have the healthiest relationships possible. But we may not know how to get there and what to do. I spoke with Barbra Russell, MA a counselor, speaker and author of Yes! I Said No! about how we can create and maintain a relationship of optimal wellness.

Creating Boundaries

We know that boundaries are important. We understand that we should have them and we know when it feels like someone has crossed them. But how do we set and maintain good boundaries? The biggest fear most people have with boundaries is coming across as rude, harsh or mean, especially when it is someone we care deeply about. We may also worry that we may hurt someone’s feelings or that they may not want to continue to have a relationship with them if we have a serious discussion about boundaries. We want to compromise, but we also need for our own needs to be met. 

Barbra Russell gives us 3 steps to follow when setting a boundary. 

“Step 1: Say what you don’t like (without attacking the others character) Step 2: Say what you want (specifically) Step 3: Set a consequence.”

This sounds pretty simple, but let’s look at exactly how to put it into practice. Barbra explains two examples. Here is an example of a woman who might set a boundary, “Step 1: We’ve been so busy, we don’t take time to show affection and that’s important to me. 

Step 2:So I’d like for you to kiss me every morning before work and we talk to each other for at least half an hour after the kids are asleep. Step 3: I’ll remind you for a few times until we make this a habit.” 

Here is an example of a boundary a man might set, according to Barbra, “Step 1: I need time to myself when I first come home from work so I can clear my mind.

Step 2: I’d like 30 minutes of quiet time before I help with dinner or with the kids. Step 3.I’ll go into my ‘man cave’ every day for 30 minutes.” 

It can feel scary or needy to ask for more affection or for time away from your significant other and kids. We may worry we will hurt their feelings or make them feel judged or criticized. But if we don’t communicate our needs, we can feel stressed or resentful and that can be toxic to a healthy relationship. 

When expressing what you don’t like, try to make it a request that your partner can easily fulfill. Try to keep emotions such as anger, frustration, etc out of the equation. Make sure what you want is something reasonable and specific. The consequence should not skew negative. It may take some time to put the new actions into place, since it can take some time to change and break a habit. So be patient and kind to your partner as this transition is happening. Also ask for your partner to be patient with you. 

Communication Between The Sexes

Communicating with anyone can be hard, and there are some fundamental differences in how men and women think and communicate. Understanding these differences can help us feel more seen and heard. Barbra explains it very clearly, “She ‘connects’ more memories, words and thoughts faster, and tends to talk ‘in  circles,’ bringing up one thing, then another before arriving at the final thought or solution. His brain works more efficiently, thinking in a ‘straight line,’ solving a problem by quickly giving advice or a solution.” 

Communicate directly what you want from your partner. Barbra gives the examples, “She says, ‘I just need you to listen, while I talk this through.’ He instructs, ‘Write down what you need me to do, because I’m likely to forget.”

Again, ask for what you want and communicate what you think can be helpful to your relationship. Make sure it is a request and an actionable step, such as writing something down or listening as someone processes their thoughts. Keep any judgements out if, you don’t want to judge your partner for thinking and processing things differently that you do. Use positive reinforcement to encourage each other. 

One main reward is your relationship will probably start to feel easier and you will both feel more supported. Compliment each other frequently and let them know how much you appreciate them doing what you asked for and explain how it makes you feel so much better. 

This is a process, so patience is key. Understanding these communication differences can help same sex couples and can also help you communicate in friendships as well. If you identify as gender fluid or non-binary then you may find yourself falling somewhere along this spectrum. 

How Our Brains Look For What’s Wrong

Sometimes couples that have been together for a while start to focus more on the negative aspects of their relationship and less on the positive ones. They may lose sight of what brought them together initially. 

This can become even more challenging as couples build a life together, raise children together, focus on extended family and career obligations. Barbra states, “Our brains are designed to look for what’s wrong – a survival mechanism to keep us alive – but in a relationship, the ratio often becomes 90:10, with the 90% of what’s right, what you like about the other person is taken for granted and we focus on the 10% — what you don’t like, what’s irritating, etc.” This can start a negative pattern or downward spiral. Barbra explains, “What you focus on gets bigger.  Therefore, the more you focus on what’s wrong, the bigger problem that becomes.” We have all experienced this in other aspects of our lives as well, where we focus on the negative and the problem spirals. We can begin to feel discouraged or even hopeless that our situation can change.

Barbra offers some helpful solutions, “Compliment more than you complain.” If you find yourself complaining alot, take a step back and try to turn the situation around. Try to compliment your partner on what they are doing well and make them feel appreciated for all of their positive qualities. 

Her second tip is, “Do the things you used to do that made them fall in love.” Maybe you used to go on dates to your favorite restaurant in the beginning but now you don’t anymore because you’d have to get a sitter. Or maybe you used to cook together, but with work schedules you don’t have the time. Try to make an effort to do these things together to make you feel more connected and to just have more fun together. 

Lastly, Barbra states,”Provide safety by listening before you talk.” Let your partner get their full ideas out there before responding. Try not to interrupt. It can be easy to get defensive or feel misunderstood. Even if you don’t agree with their comment, try to really see their point of view and why they may feel this way. You want to get to a resolution and both be understood, not be right or wrong or assign blame. 

Trying It Out

Personally I used to be more hesitant to bring up these conversations for fear of hurting the other person’s feelings or worrying how they would react. I also felt like I didn’t know how to communicate what I wanted to say in the most productive way.  But then I would feel as though the issues would remain and that was stressful in it’s own way. Learning how to communicate in a positive and healthy way has made me feel like my relationships are stronger. 

Try using these skills in your relationships and see if you feel more confident and positive about your relationship and yourself. Being a great communicator can help you not only in your romantic relationships, but friendships, family and work relationships. Setting boundaries and having a positive mindset can make you feel like the best version of yourself. 

About The Author

Meg Scanlon - Meg Scanlon is a writer, actor, improvisor and creator of the comedy website ALittleBitFunny.com. Her work can be seen on Funny or Die, Bark Post, Taste of Home, The List, Home Life Media and Bridgehead Media. She loves flamingos, palm trees, pizza, binge watching Netflix and her really awesome dog Jack. Twitter: @meganrscanlon | Website: www.alittlebitfunny.com | Instagram: megscanlon

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Yes! I Said No! - How to Set Healthy Boundaries and Increase Your Self Esteem - has won two awards!!

I’m excited today - my book #YesISaidNo - my first book ever — has won another award in the Reader’s Favorites relationships category. Here’s how you can get your copy: http://amzn.to/2fT2xgE

I didn’t always wish to be an author, and I didn’t publish my first book until a couple of years ago — I won’t tell you at what age, but I’m not a spring chicken as the old saying goes. (And my using that old phrase should give you a clue :)

I say that to remind you — you’re never too old; it’s never too late; and if you decide to go after something, don’t give up until you accomplish it. And somethings — especially those important to you — you do for the pleasure of doing it. I’m now posting an inspirational piece on social media every day — facebook, twitter and instagram, and I’ve enjoyed a lot of positive feedback saying those posts have been helpful and made a difference in someone’s life. Well, I had just decided I’ve gone through some stuff, I’ve learned a lot and why not share some of that? It’s been a challenge and something I relish accomplishing every morning. It’s a blessing to me and to others. So - also as another saying goes — Just Do It!

Dream Big; Think Small

spam can

Think Small                          

Let me give you two words which are the key to success -- THINK SMALL! I can just hear many of you now as you exclaim – Wait a minute! I thought we were supposed to think big and have bigger-than-life dreams and a gigantic vision! If you’ve read any of the ever-popular “how to succeed” books or heard many motivational speakers, that is, in fact, the message you will most often hear – Think Big!

Now, I must admit I believe there are really four words which lead to success – Dream Big; Think Small. You must indeed have a dream which requires you to stretch, grow and get out of your comfort zone.

I once heard a wonderful statement: “The greatest achievement was at first and for a time a dream…dreams are the seedlings of realities.” So yes, you must first spend some time visualizing, desiring and prayerfully asking for your dream to come true!

However, many people can get overwhelmed at the magnitude of a big dream.Let’s say you want to start your own business. That’s awesome! And it’s also a Big Dream. You can quickly become stuck in all the thoughts, doubts and questions which come rushing to your mind. “Do I have enough money?” “Will people actually buy what I’m selling?” “How will I plan and market?”

Often, the interns I supervise want to open a counseling practice after graduating with their Master’s Degree in Counseling. As soon as they’ve stated their goal, it seems they encounter such seemingly huge questions and obstacles very quickly.   From there, procrastinating quickly becomes very appealing! And before you know it, that dream has taken a back seat to daily living and finding a job just to make money.

So, I advise them to do what I’m encouraging you to look at here; think small - start with an action to be taken today or this week.

A good way to remember the steps involved in thinking small is to look at the acronym SPAM. Yes, looking at that can of potted meat can help you get started. Here’s what the letters stand for:

S = Small and Specific

P = Practical

A = Achievable

M = Measurable

A counseling intern can use this in the following way:

S = Small & Specific:   This week, I will talk to a therapist who’s already established a counseling practice.

P = Practical questions to answer include the well-known journalism questions: who, what, where, when, how?

Who? Identify the counselor

What? Set up an appointment to interview that person.

Where? Will you take them to lunch? Or you could meet for coffee or come to the established counselor’s office.

When? Determine the best time to meet, as well as the amount of time he or she has available.

How? Write down questions you wish to have answered – come prepared!

A = Achievable = Knowing yourself as you do, is this goal achievable? If you have something else going on this week, it’s not – and you will need to come up with an alternative.

M = Measurable = At this time, you’ve moved beyond the “thinking” stage, and your action steps need to be measurable. You might want to enlist the help of someone to keep you accountable.

From that first week of action, that intern can set up the next goal to be achieved, step by step. The journey of a thousand steps just started, and the dream of becoming a practicing therapist is beginning to unfold!

No matter what you want to achieve, remember this:

Dream Big; Think Small and SPAM goals are a good way to get started!

HOW DO YOU HANDLE "ONE OF THOSE DAYS?"

How Do You handle “One of those days?”

A three hour traffic jam

A mechanical problem on the plane

An obnoxious drunk

            What do these three have in common?  A common thought -- “oh no, it’s going to be one of those days!”

That’s the day I experienced and the thought I had a couple of days ago.  And the thought was becoming a fast-rushing train hurtling toward my peace of mind.  My day would be derailed if I didn’t gain control of that out-of-control thought. 

I’ll tell you what I did to get back on track, but first let me fill you in on the ingredients of that mess.

             It was one of those days…… Actually, it seemed like a few days.

The first problem – A three-hour traffic jam.  Jerry and I had been on a combination business/pleasure mini-vacation and were headed back to Phoenix when we saw cars lined up ahead of us.  There were no nearby exits; we were stuck.  We sat there, parking-lot style, for three hours. 

The next day we prepared to go home, ready to leave our problems behind.  But no.  We boarded the plane, taxied out to the runway when the pilot announced these dreaded words:  “Ladies and gentlemen, there’s a mechanical problem which requires us to return to the terminal for the mechanics to fix it.”

 We were stuck in the airplane for an additional hour which seemed like three.  It was already late at night, almost midnight, and I thought I’d try to rest a while.  But no.  An obnoxiously and obviously drunk lady behind us very loudly kept proclaiming we were all going to die! Even after we finally took off, she kept loudly cursing and laughing until I wanted to turn around and slap her! (In Christian love, of course)

I can assure you, I got no rest and exhausted, fell into bed after 1 AM 

The next morning at work it was tempting to wonder, “OK, what’s going to go wrong now?“

Well, I decided to change the direction of those thoughts because I know the enemy would love nothing more than for me to live in negativity, worry and defeat.  I think he’d love for all of us to live that way!

But I decided to stop that train and take charge of me.  I took a few minutes to read what God says about renewing our minds.  I took a few minutes to pray.  I took a few minutes to do my “shake and bake exercises and stretches” to change my thoughts, my energy, and my body. 

In just those few minutes. I began to feel calm and was able to focus on all the things I was grateful for in spite of those aggravating incidents.  We did not die.  We got home safely.  I changed my thoughts to joy and anticipation for the next adventure.  Because it is true that while we cannot always prevent what happens to us., we can change how we respond to it.  And sometimes, as in this case, we have to see how quickly we can rebound. 

Life isn’t about how fast you can run or how high you can climb….

It’s all about how well you can bounce! 

How do you handle life’s obstacles and irritants?  How fast and well can you bounce?  You probably have a different “formula” you follow to renew your mind, but contact me by commenting below if you would like more details about the steps I took. 

Three Things To Stop To Be An Effective Woman

3 Things To Start

Three Things To Stop:

2 Corinthians 5:17 – Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.  The old has gone; the new has come. 

  1.    Stop letting other people dictate how You feel about You.

Can happen – consciously – you’re very aware/hurt, etc. by what someone says about you – like my high school Home Economics teacher who said, “Barbra is an example of the way NOT to do this.” 

        Or unconsciously –which is actually more powerful – When my mother revealed her history of sexual abuse, she also helped me realize why my father held off being affectionate with me. He had promised his new bride, “you will never have to worry about that when we have children.” I recognized that unconsciously, I became “performance minded”  and a “people pleaser.” 

        Results of either/both:  always looking for others to help you feel good or OK about YOU.  You’re not self confident. 

 What is confidence, then? Confidence is not – “They will like me,” aka Sally Field, but rather…

 Confidence is:  “I’ll be fine if they don’t.”

Psychological term – External vs. internal validation

Everybody has their own insecurities about something.

        Look in the mirror – what do you notice?  Usually what’s “wrong” – what you don’t like about yourself.  And then you think everyone ELSE is looking at you.  Ann Landers said it this way many years ago: :

            At age 20, we worry about what other people think of us.

At age 40, we don’t care what they think of us.

At age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.

You know what I’ve discovered?  Even if people look at you, within 1-3 seconds, people go back to what they were doing.  Why?

Everyone’s busy with their own problems. 

In my book, “Yes! I Said No! - How To Set Healthy Boundaries and Increase Your Self Esteem,” I talk about developing thick, armor-plated skin and share my own example of this:in Chapter 10- (story of 2 people talking in hallway)

I discovered this truth: 

“Our worries aren’t supported by reality.”

People don’t judge you non-stop.  And even if they did, why do we assume they’d think negatively about us?  It might be good!

        How to STOP?  As I say in my book, 2 rules will help:

1.     If you can’t let the worry go within 24 hours, do something about it.

2.   Choose to assume people don’t think of you all the time and if even if they did, their thoughts would be nothing but positive. 

If you STOP the worry and replace it with a POSITIVE ASSUMPTION, (don’t leave a vacuum) – new neural pathways in your brain develop, taking you down a different track.

The Second STOP

(2)      Stop Looking For What’s Wrong

Imagine you’re living in caveman days.  The men are out hunting and the women are left to tend the fire, watch after the kids and also keep an eye out for any hungry animals lurking around, just waiting for a chance to grab a chunk of meat roasting or maybe even to drag away a small child.  You have to be watching for danger all the time!  And women, with their brains wired to do several things at once, rise to the occasion! 

Fast forward to today, add 24-hour news programs focusing on the ills of society, and social media posts which quickly spread the word about others’ success by which we negatively compare ourselves and it’s no wonder we look for what’s wrong!  We assume if we can fix what’s wrong, we’ll be happy. 

        Wrong!  We can’t fix anyone (that includes our husbands and kids) and we wind up feeling disappointed and discouraged.  Marriage studies have revealed an interesting 90:10 ratio in marriages.  90% of the time we like our partner, 90% of the time we appreciate our lives, but what about that 10%?  That’s the hubby who doesn’t get the “honey-do” list done when you think he should, who never learns there’s a “right” way (your way, of course) to load the dishwasher, or other very important “stuff.” 

        I believe that same ratio exists in our world in general, because we’ve been taught to think this way. From the time we’re students who are told that yes, that B is ok but couldn’t you have done a little more and gotten an A?  If we get feedback, even if most of it’s good, what do we gravitate toward?  The one negative comment. 

        Are we doomed to keep looking for what’s wrong?  What’s not enough?  What’s not yet done?  We even complain to God that things are not happening as soon as we think they should! 

        I have to remember something I posted the other day:  “Most things worth having usually take longer than we thought they would, and are more difficult than we think we can endure.” 

        Vow today that you will follow Paul’s advice:  “Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”  (Philippians 4:7)
 

 3.   Stop being afraid – to face the past, to have a dream, to ask for what you want. 

When life hits you - POW! with a surprise

You’re going merrily along when POW! life hits you, buckles your knees, stops you in your tracks.

What’s next? Here’s some important things to remember:

Nothing Is So Consistent as Change

During a time of transition, people normally experience stress because our brains and entire beings seek homeostasis, a survival mechanism.  We want things to stay the same.

                 We can help others – and us – by doing three things:

1.  Normalize This Time – People are not crazy; it’s normal to feel a whole range of emotions during this time.  From depression, anger, sadness, & disappointment to confusion and triggers which remind us of previous trauma and loss; it’s all normal

2.  Grieving The Loss – We all go through the stages of grief because in transition, we always lose something.  As in the death of a loved one, the stages apply here as well:  Shock and denial, anger and depression come and go as we grieve.  Just when we think we’ve successfully navigated one stage, we find ourselves back in the same feelings.  Again, that’s normal.  Grieving is crazy-making!  We eventually  move to acceptance with sadness for the loss

3.  Process The Feelings – It’s important that people don’t stuff all that grief and emotions but rather have opportunity to process, or talk about, the change in a healthy manner.  We can help by using the following skills:

• Create Safety – Provide confidentiality; knowing what they share with you won’t go any further.

• Things NOT to say:

• Just trust God

• You need to just look on the bright side

• I conquered it this way

• You need to read and pray more

  Or any other “advice-giving” statements.  Unsolicited advice is like chopped liver – not appreciated. 

When life surprises you, and not in a good way, remember that first,  you’re not alone-it happens to us all. 2nd, take time to breathe, think and grieve. 3rd, list all options, look at pros and cons, then step into something new. Who knows what lies ahead? I’ve found that when you follow these steps, refrain from becoming bitter and instead wonder what could lie ahead, truly you’ll find that the next step will be even better.