Finding Strength in the Storm

Subject: Finding Strength in the Storm

I recently saw several social media posts, two of which read like this:

"I am 26 and am feeling unhappy with everything -- climate change, politicians, my work, the future. How can I get out of this funk?"

"This year probably took me closer to the edge than I've ever been.... And that's saying something."

Have you felt like that this past year?

I hear you. The weight of the world right now can feel like too much, and when it all piles up— politics, work stress, uncertainty about the future—it’s easy to feel stuck, like you’re spinning your wheels in the mud. You’re not alone in this feeling. One of Jelly Roll’s lines captures it perfectly:

"I’m falling apart right in front of you, can’t you see?"

There’s a raw honesty in those words, a reminder that feeling broken or overwhelmed doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human. And being human also means you have something incredible within you: resilience.

I want to share a story about resilience, one that might just help you shift your perspective.

Years ago, there was a young woman named Maya who faced what felt like insurmountable odds. She’d lost her job, was struggling with a family crisis, and, to top it off, was navigating an increasingly uncertain world. One day, at her lowest point, she stumbled across a quote: “You can’t control the waves, but you can learn to surf.”

At first, she was skeptical—how could “surfing” help with her problems? But instead of letting the chaos swallow her, she started taking small steps. She wrote down three things she was grateful for each day. She found ways to connect with others who inspired her. She didn’t fix everything overnight, but little by little, she built strength. She discovered that while she couldn’t stop the storms, she could learn to ride them out—and sometimes even find beauty in the process.

Resilience doesn’t mean you’re immune to pain or stress. It means that you keep going, even when things feel impossible. It’s about finding those small moments of light, even when the shadows are long.

So how do you start to climb out of your funk? Here are a few steps:

Acknowledge how you feel. Pretending everything’s fine won’t help. Be honest with yourself, and let yourself feel what you’re feeling.

Focus on what you can control. You might not be able to solve climate change single-handedly, but you can make choices—big or small—that align with your values.

Connect. Whether it’s with friends, family, or a professional, don’t go it alone. Find your posse; ; sharing your feelings can lighten the load.

Practice gratitude. It sounds cliché, but it works. Even in the hardest moments, there’s always something to be thankful for.

Find purpose in small actions. Volunteering, helping a neighbor, or working on a passion project can give you a sense of meaning and accomplishment.

The world may feel heavy, but you don’t have to carry it all on your shoulders.

Consider talk therapy in person or online.

You have more strength than you think, and sometimes, simply taking one step forward is the most powerful thing you can do.

Remember, resilience isn’t about never falling; it’s about always getting back up. And when you do, you’ll see just how far you’ve come.

You’ve got this.

With hope,

Barbra

Secrets are no fun

🤫 You know what they say about secrets – they’re no fun. 🤫

Picture this: It's the dead of night, and the phone shatters the silence. My heart races. It's my 68-year-old mother, her voice trembling with urgency. She has a secret to reveal, convinced that her time is running out.

What unfolded in those early morning hours unlocked a door to my past, shedding light on my upbringing and my relationship with my father. The patterns woven into my life by that revelation ultimately led me to penning my first book, "Yes! I Said No!"

Curious to hear more? I recently had the pleasure of chatting with Ginger Monceaux on her podcast, "The Midlife Empress." In our candid conversation, we delved into the profound impact of secrets and trauma on our present lives, the lifesaving role of counseling and coaching, the myth of people-pleasing as a spiritual gift, and the fascinating insights from understanding brain chemistry in fostering healthy relationships.

🎧 Tune in to the episode using the link below. After listening, drop a comment or leave a review. And don't forget to share the wisdom with your circle. Let's start a ripple of empowerment and growth together! 🌊

[Link to the podcast episode: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/secrets-are-no-fun-a-deep-dive-with-barbra-russell/id1705941089?i=1000654807687]

I'm all ears for your thoughts and reflections. Let's keep the conversation flowing! 💬 - Barbra

A 5-year Journey to Healing: Tying Knots and Finding Hope

A 5-Year Journey to Healing: Tying Knots and Finding Hope

April 1st marks a significant milestone for the Russell family - five years since our world was turned upside down. Five years since Dane, our vibrant son, was suddenly struck with a debilitating illness, leaving him bedridden and we, his parents, feeling helpless, stressed, and bewildered.

A question echoes in our minds: how could this once healthy, vibrant individual, a teacher and counselor admired by many, become a mere shadow of his former self?

Dane had already battled through thyroid cancer and open-heart surgery, only to face yet another daunting challenge. April 1st, 2019, for many, signaled the onset of isolation due to the Covid-19 pandemic. But for the Russell’s, it marked the beginning of a different kind of isolation, one of medical uncertainty and emotional turmoil.

Doctors struggled to pinpoint the exact cause of Dane's condition, let alone offer a viable treatment. The consequences were devastating - Dane lost his job, his home, and worst of all, his health, all in one fell swoop. Nights were spent in the ER, with needles, prodding, and prayers offering little relief. "I don't want to live like this!” Dane cried, and that anguished cry echoed in my ears day and night; yet I remained helpless.

In the midst of medical interventions and desperate prayers, we could only cling to hope. We plastered Dane's room with healing scriptures, filled the air with worship music, but still, nothing changed.

What do you do when you reach the end of your rope? You tie a knot and hang on, as the saying goes. And that's precisely what we did, clinging to each other and our faith with unwavering determination.

Then, in the fall of 2023, a glimmer of hope emerged. We attended Andrew Womack's Healing Conference, where, though no instant miracle occurred, Dane began to slowly improve. Encouraged by this progress, Dane took a leap of faith and enrolled in Charis Bible College, where he found solace and healing amidst a supportive community.

And now, on this April day, our family embarks on a journey we were forced to abandon five years ago. We visit Glenwood Springs, indulge in the soothing waters of the Hot Springs, and stroll through Vail, surrounded by the hustle and bustle of skiers

We marvel at the majestic beauty of Garden of the Gods, relishing in Dane's infectious laughter and radiant smile once more.

For us, this journey has been one of resilience, faith, and unwavering hope. Now we want to stand as a beacon of encouragement to all who find themselves in the midst of their own dark night of the soul.

As the old saying goes, when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.” For if there's healing for Dane, there's healing for you. If there’s hope for Dane, there’s hope for your situation, no matter how dire.

Tie a Knot and Hang On!

Stress, Mess and Goldilocks

As Christmas approaches, the age-old question echoes in our minds: Which comes first, the stress or the mess? Much like pondering the origin of the chicken and the egg, it seems that both are intertwined in a dance of holiday chaos.

Ironically, the better you are, the more you may experience this conundrum. Yes, you can be stressed, but not necessarily in a negative way. The worry about project outcomes is accompanied by a sense of drive and energy. Whether you love your job or not, worry, stress, and anxiety are familiar companions in demanding roles.

Enter the Goldilocks Principle, as Dr. Bhatnagar calls it—the delicate balance of stress and anxiety. Like Goldilocks seeking the perfect porridge temperature, individuals perform optimally with just the right level of anxiety. Too little may signify disinterest, while excessive anxiety can harm self-esteem. Stress, a response to external factors, isn't inherently bad; short bursts are beneficial, releasing cortisol for sharper thinking. However, chronic stress is the real Grinch stealing our well-being.

Recognizing signs of healthy anxiety—excitement and manageable worry—versus harmful stress, like sleep troubles and physical symptoms, is crucial. Change, a significant stressor, whether positive or negative, is as consistent as, well, change itself.

Our lives underwent changes this past year. We returned to Colorado, and as Christi said, "Now Barbra is back in CO, and all is right with the world." We're in Colorado Springs, enjoying a view of the mountains from our backyard. Dane's back pain improved, allowing him to enroll at Charis Bible College in Woodland Park, CO. Positive stress.

However, we also faced the challenge of succumbing to Covid after many years. It was a harrowing experience, as many can relate. Just now recovering. Negative stress.

I'm sure your life has been a mix of positive and negative stress, change, and adjustment. As you sample different "porridge" in search of that "just right" spot, remember that you are special—to me and many others.

Remember, life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Most of all, I pray your Christmas will be blessed, and may your New Year be filled with love and happiness.

Jerry, Barbra and Dane Russell

Blue Zones - Is It Possible to Live to Be 100+ AND be vibrant and alive?

Is It Possible to live to be 100+ AND be vibrant and alive? Do Blue Zones have the answer?

Ikaria, Greece: Forget to Die

A man from Ikaria (A Blue Zone island off the coast of Greece)) came to the U.S. for a better life. At age 66 he was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and given six months to live. He returned home, to Ikaria, and prepared to die. While waiting, he planted vineyards, drank the wine and breathed the sea air.

Thirty-five years later, at 102, he quipped, "Guess I just forgot to die." What happened? What was the secret? He changed his environment. It seems enjoying life, and staying purposeful can be a key to vitality.

What Are Blue Zones Anyway?

In our fast-paced world, the dream of living a vibrant and active life beyond 100 may seem like a distant reality. However, the residents of Blue Zones, areas identified for the remarkable longevity of their inhabitants, hold valuable lessons on how to not just live but thrive in triple digits.

The Blue Zone designation comes from a researching physician’s habit of placing blue dots on a map where lots of people were living to be 100. The clusters of dots became a “Blue Zone.”

What can we learn from these areas?

Okinawa, Japan: The Recipe for Longevity

Okinawa boasts a high number of centenarians who attribute their longevity to a unique blend of lifestyle factors. Their diet, comprising 67% sweet potatoes, tofu, and low-calorie stir-fries, emphasizes mindful eating and stopping at 80% fullness. Regular physical activity, community engagement, and laughter are vital components. One 100-year old woman shared her secret: “Don’t be angry. Always have fun with everyone. Be easy going, not let things upset you and forgive quickly.” (I thought she’d immediately recommend rice and seaweed!) lol

There is also an emphasis on community which contrasts the loneliness epidemic in the U.S., where research has shown lack of community can cost 15 years of life.

Sardinia, Italy: Mountains, Minestrone, and Movement

Sardinia's mountainous terrain, simple carbs like sourdough bread, and a diet rich in greens, beans, and whole grains contribute to the longevity of its residents. Daily walks up and down hills, coupled with energy expenditure, stand in stark contrast to the sedentary lifestyle prevalent in the U.S., a major contributor to diabetes and heart disease.

Stress Control: The Shepherd's Way

Shepherds in the Blue Zones, especially in Sardinia, showcase a stress-resistant lifestyle.

The impact of acute stress on inflammation and glucose levels underscores the importance of managing stress for overall health. The ability to actively cope, especially by focusing on issues within one's control, is a crucial aspect of mental health, cognitive longevity, and stress resilience. Today, in the world of constant news and social media, we are brought the problems of the whole world. We can’t solve them, so we worry, complain and talk about them – ad nauseum!

But the shepherd in Sardinia can control how he treats his sheep to make sure the flock is healthy. Likewise, this active coping where you can resolve problems you are given is a very important part of mental health, cognitive longevity and stress resilience.

I wondered, “Is there any hope for the US? Are there any Blue Zones here?” Thankfully, while we are seeing occasional instances of people living to the ripe old age of 100, there is a city in America selected as a Blue Zone area.

Loma Linda, California: The Adventist Approach

The Seventh-Day Adventists in Loma Linda, California, have embraced a lifestyle that includes regular physical activities, a plant-based diet, and a day of rest on Saturday. The emphasis on community, volunteering, and religious faith plays a significant role in their longevity.

Eldercare and Community Support

In these longevity hotspots, elders are not isolated but actively engaged in their communities. Family and community provide a support system, tapping into the wisdom of the elderly and ensuring better care. The contrast with the often-isolated lives of elders in the U.S. is striking.

The Things that make us live a long, healthy life are the things that make life worth living.

In conclusion, the Blue Zones offer a roadmap to a centenarian's lifestyle—a life rich in community, purpose, and simplicity. While genetics play a role, the choices we make in our daily lives regarding diet, stress management, and social connections can significantly impact our journey toward a vibrant and fulfilling century of life. So, perhaps, the secret to a long and joyful life is not just in the genes but in the everyday choices we make.

Source – Netflix special Blue Zones Living To Be 100- Journalist Dan Buttner

How Adding This One Word To Your Vocabulary Can Change Your Life

I’ve spent thousands of counseling hours working with many people who want to say “no,” who need to say “no,” but who say “yes” anyway.

One client was abused as a young child and when she told her mom, she was instructed to keep silent so as not to shame the family. Over the years she felt insecure and ashamed; her biggest challenge became speaking up for herself.

Another client is a husband, a father, a manager at work, coach of his son’s soccer team, volunteer at his church and on call 24/7 as a community fireman. While he enjoyed each aspect of his involvement, he was beginning to feel frustrated and unappreciated. He needed to learn to say “no.”

A third client loved all her large family but as the oldest, she took care of her siblings because mom was an alcoholic and dad was gone. She learned to please everyone because “if people like you, you feel accepted.” Rejection and trust issues led to resentment and bitterness. “Why me?”

These clients are not alone; I too yearned to be accepted and became a parent-pleaser who morphed into people pleasing as a way of life.

I was mortified when my home economics teacher announced to the entire class: “This is terrible stitching; Barbra has shown us the wrong way to sew.” And years later, when my boss asked my opinion, my face burned red and my throat closed down for fear I’d say the wrong thing.

Yes, I was with those who “hang onto known misery rather than reach out for unknown happiness.” Speaking up, being different, or saying no was way too scary.

Yet I, along with these clients, am living a different life because I learned to set boundaries.

Now I want to help others experience the confidence and freedom which comes when you declare, “Yes! I Said No!”

As most of you know, six years ago I wrote a book by the same name which, I’m happy to report, has helped so many. Here’s a few testimonials I’m sharing because I’d like you to help me spread the word about the new hardback edition of Yes! I Said No!

“Barbra Russell, what you said resonated with me! Thank you. You described me. I became a people pleaser to survive in the abusive relationship I was in. It’s taken me over a decade to come back from that and finally say no. It’s only been recently that I recognized that I was still shutting down emotionally and using that learned behavior even though I wasn’t physically living there. I still have to deal with my son’s father because of my son, but I have learned to stand up for myself with him for my son.”

“Thank you, Barbra. I was just reviewing your video and love what you share about boundaries. You are very relatable and you speak from the heart. You share transparently about how boundaries used to be hard for you AND THEN GIVE US TOOLS to set better ones for ourselves. Just brilliant!”

“Barbra’s book Yes! I Said No! truly changed my life. Coming from an Amish background, I was well equipped to meekly obey and always say yes, but it did not bring peace to me or my relationships. Barbra’s book and workbook are thin, easy to read, easy to remember, and the uncomplicated tools made navigating relationships so much easier.”

There are three questions on the YISN book jacket:

o Is it hard to find time for yourself?

o Do you often ignore what you want, and focus instead on what others want?

o Do you find it difficult to speak up for yourself?

Ask some of my clients who’ve answered yes to all these questions and as a result have been silent most of their lives. They couldn’t handle conflict, and felt they had no choice but to be people-pleasers. “Boundaries” was a foreign word. No longer. Now “freedom” is their favorite feeling, and “boundaries” a familiar concept.

Check out this dust jacket with the new picture and classy look – (thanks Meg Delagrange Belfon). Yes! I Said No! is now available through Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Walmart, Books-A-Million and other places around the world! My dream of this book affecting thousands of people is coming to pass! The first edition has been out for over 6 years and people are still ordering it –from as far away as the UK and Canada. Here’s some of what you’ll find in YISN:

o Why Is It So Hard to Say No?

o People Pleasing is not a Spiritual Gift

o How to Care Without Carrying People

o How to Say No without blowing up, running away or wimping out (shutting down.)

You’ll find useful concepts to set healthy boundaries. There's also practical tips to increase your self-esteem like:

o The Power of Deciding

o To be successful, invest in yourself,

o How to develop thick, armor-plated skin.

I love the testimonies I’ve received about people’s lives changing because of this book. People have said: “I’m standing up for myself now at work, at home and in relationships.” “I feel so much more confident and I actually know how to set boundaries. Before, I was always afraid I’d be thought of as rude, selfish or mean.” “I started to say “no” and I’ve grown as a result.”

Now I’d like your help to spread the word. Do you know someone in another city, or state, or another country? Please share this information with them. I’d like for Yes! I Said No! to become the new bible for boundaries. I want people to say no when they need to so they can say yes when they want to.

Will you help me out? Please share with others; buy a book and read it; buy another and send it. “No” is a word you need to add to your vocabulary.

Below are links to some of the places you can order the new hardcover edition of Yes! I Said No!

Amazon:

https://amzn.to/45pTgAw

Barnes and Noble:

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/yes-i-said-no-barbra-e-russell/1134184980?ean=9780998077994

Walmart:

https://www.walmart.com/ip/Yes-I-Said-No-How-to-Set-Healthy-Boundaries-and-Increase-Your-Self-Esteem-Edition-3-Hardcover-9780998077994/2777803465?from=/search

Books-a-million:

https://www.booksamillion.com/p/Yes-Said-No/Barbra-E-Russell/9780998077994?id=8896562918651

Do you know someone who struggles with setting boundaries? Please share this blog with them.

This Shouldn't Happen to Me!

This Shouldn’t Happen to Me!

This Shouldn’t Happen to Me!

If you’ve lived very long, you’ve likely experienced something traumatic. Some devastating ordeal that makes you cry, “this shouldn’t happen to me!” Whether it was loss, pain or injustice, you’ve gone through a “dark night of the soul.”

You are not alone. I’ve been there. I spent a year in bed with cervical disc degeneration causing excruciating headaches and pain like hot irons burning through my back. After several months of this, unwelcome thoughts began to plague me:

“I don’t want to live like this. I can see why people commit suicide.” A year earlier, I would have vehemently denied I’d ever toy with such suicidal thoughts. I believed I was a well-adjusted, life-long Christian who leaned more toward optimism. Yet here I was, awash in despair.

I spent my days on the couch in traction, trying anything to relieve the constant pain. I gulped down pain pills, I watched TV, I read books when possible. And I silently screamed: “I don’t deserve this! This shouldn’t happen to me!”

Then I saw this quote:

“And remember: you must never, under any circumstances, despair. To hope and to act, these are our duties in misfortune. —Boris Pasternak, Doctor Zhivago”

According to Pasternak, to keep from despair I must do my duty. And my duty was to learn some lessons and pass them on to you. Here’s what I realized:

1. Sometimes you need to ask for help.

I couldn’t do the dishes, vacuum the floor, wash clothes, prepare meals or do anything I had always done. But I was too proud to ask for help.

My pride-filled spirit came from a long line of “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” kind of people. My mother’s family survived the Great Depression like the Joads in John Steinbeck’s book, The Grapes of Wrath. They piled the family car high with kids and possessions and headed to California. When they returned to Oklahoma, my grandfather became a bootlegger, producing whiskey in a backwoods still. The unstated Creel family motto: “We don’t ask for help; we do it all ourselves!”

My father entered the CCC jobs program instituted during the Great Depression to help provide work for desperate people across the country. He sent most of the money he earned back home, and somehow, some way, the family survived. The resulting survival skills they passed along: “We don’t ask for help. The Sutton family does it all by themselves!”

It’s no wonder that under stress my Creel-Sutton legacy showed up in spades! That proud legacy passed down from both sides of my family sounded like this:

"Work hard, be independent, don't ask for help."

While those principles are good ones, you can carry independence and pride too far. This lesson I learned lying flat on my back. Out of that painful experience, I acquired another lesson:

2. Sometimes your long-held beliefs are not true.

As a counselor, I see people who have lived through unimaginable pain and sorrow. Bankruptcy, chronic pain, divorce, death of a loved one or childhood abuse all create their own private hell. They can play tricks on your mind, imbed lies in your brain and influence your choices, whether for good or for bad. Yet scripture reminds us that what the enemy meant for evil God will use for good.

I realized some of my long-held, silent beliefs sounded like this: “If something bad happens, you’ve caused it.” “I’ve been a good girl, so my life should be painless.” “I’m not good enough for God to heal me; I deserve this.”

For me, change came in the form of a year of pain and mandatory rest. And it involved the hard work of “being transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Romans 12:2 illustrated another lesson.

3. Be Able to Receive

Jesus’ words. “It is more blessed to give than to receive” had always been my mantra. And it was EASIER to give. During that year-long renewing of my mind, the challenge of receiving was as daunting as dealing with the unrelenting pain.

Not only was it hard for me to ask for help, I was mortified to lie on the couch while others brought meals, prayed for me, and washed my dirty laundry.

But I came to understand those kind souls who helped were also receiving a blessing. By resolutely refusing to receive, I had been selfish.

While I wish I had learned these new truths through other means, God knows what it takes to get through to each one of us. And I was stubborn.

The light at the end of that dark year-long tunnel then shone brightly on this principle:

4. Good Things Happen When You Learn Your Lessons

Good things happened to me.

I got well.

I grew emotionally and spiritually.

I changed some mistaken beliefs.

I learned to receive graciously.

And I will always remember the lessons learned during that difficult time. When you feel “this shouldn’t happen to me,” you can learn and grow. If you’re like me, you’ll be glad you did.

A Thursday Miracle

A Thursday Miracle

It was a Thursday when the miracle happened.

We had been thinking about moving back to Colorado and in May we decided to put our house in Oklahoma on the market. We received an offer the next day.

We were going to Colorado to be with friends the following week, so we decided to look for a place while we were there.

The first day of house hunting we found our dream home. It had vaulted ceilings, an open-floor plan design and, most importantly, a view of the mountains! Yes, this was the place for us.

God helped us sell the place in Oklahoma, right? So this was surely His will. We submitted an offer. We took lots of pictures, shared our exciting news with family and waited to hear if this would be our new Colorado home.

Finally the next day our realtor called. “Guys, I’m afraid I have some bad news. They accepted another offer.” We were disappointed, of course, but rallied to say, “well then, God must have something better for us” and drove back to Oklahoma. Houseless.

For two weeks though, I couldn’t get that place out of my mind. I kept looking at the pictures and felt this was supposed to be our house. I had tried to accept defeat graciously, but guys, I’m just not that kind of person!

Then came the Thursday morning when God and I had a talk. “God, you know we really wanted that house. Now, if you have something better for us, show us. But…. What I’d really like is for something to happen to that other contract. OK, God?”

Thursday afternoon, Rich Kolosso, our realtor, called. “Guess what? The other people backed out of their contract. Their agent wants to know if you’re still interested in the house.”

Were we interested? You bet! God answered my prayer that very day – a Thursday miracle!

It’s June; I’m in my office in our new home, looking out the window and I gratefully say, “Thank you God. I feel so loved.” And I’ll never forget that day – Thursday, the day a miracle happened.

Is There Too Much On Your Plate?

How do you tell someone your plate is full? There’s never been a better time to learn what to say, or how to deal with this or other issues in your life. Counseling can help. However, you may have some reservations like this woman I talked to recently.

She said: “I’d like to get some counseling, but……”. I knew what she was thinking:

1. “I can’t afford it.”

2. “I have a hard time asking for help.”

3. “I'm not sure I have the time.”

These are common concerns; however, if you want things to change, you really can’t afford NOT to talk to a counselor.

THE BOTTOM LINE: YOU INVEST IN YOURSELF WHEN YOU SEEK COUNSELING

Here’s something to help you make that decision.

People have recently asked if I offer package deals, and In these stressful times, it only makes sense.

Effective March 1, I am offering three different counseling packages which will save you money and start the process of investing in you – your personal growth, and your start to a different, better life.

Hear what some previous clients have to say:

“God used you in miraculous ways to help me find a new normal! You gave me the courage to push through when I wanted to give up and you kept peeling back the layers until I was able to just say no and have no guilt. I still say to myself in situations: what would Barbra say! Thank you for being you and all that God designed you to be! Love you always!”

“My sessions with you have helped me stop fighting with my adult daughter and now our relationship is so much better. Thank you, Barbra”

“You helped me recognize I had a mental health disorder and working with you has been the biggest blessing of my life! It has made such a world of difference; you’re an absolutely amazing therapist.”

Here’s the good deal

Cost for Counseling: Per Good Therapy: in most areas of the country, a person can expect to pay $100-$250 per session.

My current therapy fee is $100 per hourly session. With a choice of these three different package deals, you can save from $50 to $250.

Package Cost

PACKAGE ONE: Three-sessions $300 value: $250

PACKAGE TWO: Six sessions $600 value: $500

PACKAGE THREE: Twelve sessions $1200 value: $950

Research has shown common benefits of counseling such as:

1. Improved communication and interpersonal skills

2. Greater self-acceptance and self-esteem

3. Ability to change self-defeating behavioral habits

4. Better expression and management of emotions, including anger

5. Relief from depression, anxiety or other mental health conditions.

Take advantage of one of these packages or purchase a gift certificate for someone else by contacting me today. Confidential sessions are available online wherever you are located. Call 720-263-6257 or send me an email at: barb@barbrarussell.com

I’d love to hear from you, Barbra

p.s. I also offer individual and group classes based on my book, Yes! I Said No!

In these classes I help people learn how to set healthy boundaries. Because, let’s face it, many people try to do everything and please everyone. Men and women interested in growth hire me to help kick the habit of saying yes when they need to say no.

“With Barbra’s book, almost all my relationships have improved. (A scant few of them I walked away from completely because the relationship did not bring peace) And that’s a really big deal to me because relationships were a mystery to me. It’s all fun and games at the start but what if one of you steps into the weeds? I didn’t want to just cut people from my life. I wanted to know the secret to walking with them without inadvertently being drawn into worthless drama and becoming exhausted.”

Contact me today

720-263-6257

barb@barbrarussell.com

Success 2023 might look different than you think

What does success look like in 2023?

New Year’s resolutions often revolve around weight loss, exercise, or finances. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Yet resolutions are different from success.

When you begin to define what success looks like in 2023, it will bring you to such questions as: What habits do I need to change? What resources do I need to have?

As we return to business as usual – meeting deadlines, carpooling children or grandchildren, making resolutions to pay off those credit card bills and lose those extra pounds – let’s also remember special moments with someone you love

Let me tell you about Zion and Shiloh

Their mother did drugs, their father did drugs, and these two babies were going to be wards of the State. That’s when Mike and Mel stepped in. No, they couldn’t let that happen.

They became foster parents. They filled out all the papers and slogged through the red tape. After a year they became adoptive parents and Zion and Shiloh had a new home.

That’s quite an achievement – and a different way to define success.

Charlotte Lankard in “The Oklahoman” tells the story of a father from Tulsa:

His young daughter had been trying to get his attention when he was working on a project with a looming deadline that could not be postponed. She had found a bug outside that was unlike anything she'd ever seen, and she wanted him to stop and come and look with her.

The father said his response over and over, was. “I can't. I'm too busy. Later.” But his daughter would not give up. And finally, she said in a quiet voice, “Daddy, bugs don't wait for us.”

He left his work and went with his daughter. Later in life he said he could not remember the project he was busy with, but he had never forgotten that moment he shared with his daughter.

So what does success look like? Success for me means a specific number of clients in my counseling practice and intentional steps to maintain good health

Your definition of success may come from a determination to make a difference in someone’s life. And it can. Just ask Zion and Shiloh. Ask Mike and Mel. Ask the dad from Tulsa.

Instead of setting New Year’s Resolutions or goals for the new year, ask yourself this question: “What Does Success Look Like in 2023?”

Barbra Russell, MA LPC

Nosy People - How Do You Handle Them?

It’s holiday time – families gather around tables, or you’re with coworkers at the annual Christmas party.

The scene sounds like an idyllic picture, right? But if you’re the one captured by well-meaning but nosy people, you can feel like you’re trapped in a prison cell,.

“When are you going to have kids?” “Are you ever going to get married?” “What kind of job is that?” “How much money do you make?” The list can go on and on.

How do you, an adult with your own life, respond? Most of us don’t want to be rude in return, we want to be polite, but we just don’t want to answer such questions. We figure, “It’s my life; it’s none of your business.” Actually, it's becoming more common to be child-free. A Forbes October 2022 article stated a significant portion (44%) of non-parents aged 18 to 49 years old say it's unlikely they will have children.

A reporter recently asked me to help her with a story she was writing on being child-free. Her question: “how do you handle or shut down the sometimes intrusive and prying questions women get over the holidays from friends and family?”

I gave her some tips, some of which are taken from my book, Yes! I Said No! How To Set Healthy Boundaries and Increase Your Self Esteem. You can change the wording to reflect any situation you might encounter.

Five tips:

1. Prepare ahead of time. When you're caught by surprise, you may stumble, stutter or make little sense.

2. Don't be defensive, feeling you must justify your being child-free.

3. Don't explain - keep your answers short and sweet

4. Use the broken-record technique - if they keep pushing, repeat your chosen phrase.

5. After your response, follow-up with a question - How about you? Do you have kids? How old are they? Or other questions about hobbies, travel or the latest movie they've seen.

Specific phrases you can choose and practice; again, I’ve written them with a “child-free focus.”.

• I don't know whether I'll (we'll) have children or not. I'm taking my time to think about it, and I'm happy with that decision.

• I've (We've) decided not to have children.

• Dolly Parton said: "Since I had no kids and my husband was pretty independent, I had the freedom to achieve my dream of becoming a country star." You can say something similar.

• We want kids someday, but it's not in our plans right now.

Worst-case scenarios to the rude and pushy person who won't let it go:

• I know you mean well, but this is a personal decision.

• Oh, why were you wondering? (use humor). You need more kids for the baseball team?

This year don’t dread the holidays. Experience the freedom that comes with setting boundaries.

I

Purple Nails and The Rules of Communication

Purple Nails and The Rules of Communication

Recently I went to a nail salon to get a mani/pedi, one of my favorite forms of self-care!

I didn’t want purple nails; in fact, I was quite clear when I made the appointment. "I want light pink nails with white French tips” I instructed, just like I’d gotten for years. I wanted dark red on my toes, but not on my fingernails, oh no.

And yet, how did it happen that I walked out of the shop with these purple nails?

As the famous line from “Cool Hand Luke” says: “What we have here is a failure to communicate.” What happened? Where was the failure to communicate?

After thinking about it, I realized miscommunication happens in every-day interactions with others; therefore I came up with some guidelines to keep you and me out of trouble.

The Purple Nails Rules of Communication

There Are“Do’s” and "Don'ts"

Do Speak Up; Ask Questions

When you speak up, be sure not to accuse – Imagine the fight that could start with: “OMG, don’t you ever listen? I told you….” A great question to ask: “What did you mean by that?” **. (See blog by that name in Stories From the Couch on my web site.

Take responsibility

. “I told the receptionist that I wanted light pink with French tips, but I didn’t tell you."

In fact, the misunderstanding in the nail salon came from two short sentences:

Manicurist: “You want the same color?”

Me: “Yes.”

I wanted the same light pink/French tips and I thought she was confirming that. I figured out later she was asking if I wanted the same deep color on my fingernails that I had chosen for my toenails. And I said “yes.” That's where the trouble began.

The mani/pedi began; I relaxed. I wasn’t really paying attention; my eyes were closed and I was enjoying being pampered.

I opened my eyes, and my nails were purple! Oh no! Not what I wanted; not what I said! Next lesson:

Pay Attention; Be Fully Present

Couples, friends or work partners often don’t pay attention until it’s too late. Maybe they’re relaxing; maybe they’re focused on something else. It pays to pay attention!  It certainly would have helped me that day.

Listen To Hear; Listen to Understand –

The best way to truly understand what someone is saying is to repeat, “What I heard you say was….. (summarizing their statement).”

Decide You’d Rather Be Happy Than Right

How often do people fight because they feel compelled to prove they’re right? Well, as the question goes: Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized being right’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Another thing you learn with age is this: worry about what you can control. If you can’t control it, let it go. And folks, we can’t control anybody else. As a counselor, I see people trying to control others through communication; it’s not worth it.

“Don’ts” of Communication

Don’t Make Assumptions.

I assumed because I requested French tip nails when checking in, that direction would be passed on to my manicurist. Mistake. Big mistake. Never make assumptions. Examples: “I’d say something to you, but you’ll just jump down my throat if it’s not done perfectly.” “We talked about this the other day and you just conveniently forgot, I see.”

Don’t Make Up a Story about Misunderstandings

When you get right down to it, most communication failures are due to misunderstandings. And when you add a motive, one you’ve decided is there, it’s no wonder people can’t talk to each other!

Examples: “She’s mad at me.” “I just knew when I didn’t get right back to him, that he’d think of some way to get back at me.” “She doesn’t like me and decided to paint my nails purple just to spite me.”

Don’t Keep a Silent Tab

“Every single time I try to talk to you, you get mad.” “All month long you’ve ignored everything I’ve tried to tell you.” “You never listen.”

Silent tabs can run up a huge bill!

What’s the Solution?

I had a decision to make. I could have told the manicurist to remove all that polish and give me what I wanted and what I thought I had very clearly requested. And that’s a good solution; things get cleared up all around. However, I decided to make another choice = I’d let it go, an option you can choose as well. I kept the purple nails.

Sometimes you let things go

Obviously, when it’s important, you say something. If you ALWAYS let things go, perhaps from fear of conflict, that often causes repressed anger. And repressed anger acts like a dormant volcano, ready to explode.

This time, I thought, “Oh well, I’ve never done this before; I’ll have purple nails and see what I think. Maybe I’ll feel like a young adventurous girl!!” I decided to let it go.

The Moral of the Story

If I want to avoid purple nails and if you want better communication, we need to follow the do’s and don’ts. Do speak up. Do ask questions. Do decide to let some things go. Do listen to really hear.

Don’t make assumptions. Don’t make up a story or add a motive. Don’t keep a silent tab.

Want a better marriage, friendship, work relationship?

Learn the Purple Nails’ Rules of Communication!

Note: See similar blogs such as "How To Have a Healthy Relationship," "What Did You Mean by that?" and "Negative Assumptions - They're Killers." Find them on my web site in Stories From the Couch on barbrarussell.com

Alice and the Three Decisions

Alice Herz-Sommer

Tony Robbins, in his book Life Force, tells the following story:

“I interviewed Alice Herz-Sommer when she was 107 years old – – nearly 70 years after the Nazis murdered her mother and put her and her son in a concentration camp. Alice was a famous concert pianist in Europe, and she was forced to play in the inmate orchestra. She was told that if she didn’t look happy, they would murder her son in front of her. The Nazis actually made films of her playing to try and convince the world that they were treating Jews well. But in real life, the conditions were beyond brutal. Alice slept on a frozen dirt floor and channeled all her energy into trying to keep her son happy, even though they had little to eat.”

Yet Alice refused to let pain become her story. She gave more than 100 concerts, and while she was forced to entertain the Nazis, something beautiful happened. The music echoed through the yard, into the barracks, where the prisoners who were sick and hungry were fed by the sounds.

In Alice’s words, “We had to play because the Red Cross came three times a year. The Germans wanted to show its representatives that the situation of the Jews in Theresienstadt was good. Whenever I knew that I had a concert, I was happy. We performed in the council hall before an audience of 150 old, hopeless, sick and hungry people. They lived for the music. It was like food to them. If they hadn't come [to hear us], they would have died long before. As we would have.”

By serving others, Alice did more than survive the Nazis. She found a way to appreciate and enjoy her existence.

Robbins goes on to say, “During our interview, I was struck by how everything was so beautiful to Alice. She was living on her own at 107, still swimming and playing the piano. People in the building would listen to her play, just as they had in the camps seven decades earlier.

“Alice was grateful for everything. She talked about how beautiful life is, and how grateful she was that her son made it through that time. How beautiful it was that she survived cancer at 80 and was now 107!”

This story reminds me of something else Tony shares in his book; that our lives are controlled – yes controlled - by three decisions:

• What we focus on

• The meaning we attach

• Action we will take

Decision number one: “What we decide to focus on.”

In her book “A garden of Eden in Hell: The life of Alice Hertz Sommer” Alice stated that optimism was the key to her life:

“I look at the good. When you are relaxed, your body is always relaxed. When you are pessimistic, your body behaves in an unnatural way. It is up to us whether we look at the good or the bad. When you are nice to others, they are nice to you. When you give, you receive.”

Whatever you focus on, you’re going to feel – – whether it’s true or not – – because focus equals feelings. If you focus on the worst-case scenario, you’re going to feel fearful and sick to your stomach. If you focus on the best case, you’re going to feel confident.

Decision number two: “What does this mean?”

As soon as our brain focuses on something, we give it meaning. And whether that meaning is positive or negative completely shapes our life.

“Whenever I knew that I had a concert,” Alice stated, “I was happy. Music is magic.” Obviously determined to make the most of a terrible situation, she attached positive meaning to her situation.

Only you can decide what meaning to give to challenges in your life. “Is God punishing me or is God challenging me?” “Will this make me miserable, or could this big problem be a gift, a chance to grow?”

Decision number three: what am I going to do?

The emotions that grow out of meaning powerfully affect what action we take.

When a major disappointment occurs, some people get depressed while others feel driven to change it. Alice Herz-Sommer survived the horrors of Theresienstadt concentration camp by taking action. She decided to play!

Herz-Sommer is a great example of living out these three principles:

1. What do you choose to focus on?

2. What meaning do you attach to events?

3. What action will you take?

Alice Herz-Sommer found a way to do more than survive; she found a way to appreciate and enjoy her existence. Will you?

Oprah Winfrey Couldn't Set Boundaries

Oprah Winfrey Couldn’t Say No

            Oprah once said, “I was 40 years old before I learned to say no.  I was consumed by the disease to please.  The word yes would be out of my mouth before I even knew it. 

            After years of listening to other people’s stories, I finally recognized where this came from for me.  Having a history of abuse also meant a history of not being able to set boundaries.  Once your personal boundaries have been violated as a child, it’s difficult to regain the courage to stop people from stepping on you.  You fear being rejected for who you really are.  So for years, I spent my life giving everything I could to almost anyone who asked.  I was running myself ragged trying to fulfill other people’s expectations of what I should do and who I should be.” 

            Perhaps you’re not famous like Oprah (who is, right?). Perhaps you’ve not been abused (although many have).  But you may very well have become a People Pleaser.  (I was) And you may have a hard time saying no. 

            Here’s the good news:  In my book Yes!  I Said No! I discussed why it’s so hard to say no, that people pleasing is not a spiritual gift, and how you can learn to care without carrying.  And now I’ve designed a Master Class to discuss these topics and more.  You’ll also learn from other people in the class.  Other benefits include:

·      Ways to handle conflict in a healthy way

·      Become a Reformed People Pleaser

·      Find Out if You’re Codependent

·      How To Say No

Setting Healthy Boundaries is a skill you can master.  Join me in this six-week Master Class where you will receive specific tools to set healthy boundaries and take control of your life.  Included in this class: 

• Live Teaching

• Live Interaction

• Book and Workbook Included!

• Codependency Assessment

• Practical Tools

• Easy-to-understand

• Practical Tools

• Discount if you already have the books

Every Tuesday evening from 6:00 p.m. — 7:30 p.m. CST from March 22 - April 26th.

I’d love to see you there; click this link for more details and to register: 

https://www.barbrarussell.com/masterclass

What If....... You make routines, not resolutions this year?

It’s time to make New Year’s Resolutions!

Because that’s what people do, right? It’s January - Make resolutions.

Come February – those resolutions are generally ruined.

What if you did something different this year?

Make routines, not resolutions.

Here’s what that might look like:

Resolution: I’m going to lose 20#

Routine: Daily walking for 20-30 minutes

Resolution: I’m going to regularly do devotions

Routine: Read the Bible while I’m flossing my teeth

Resolution: Stop watching/listening to the news

Routine: TV only turned on once a day to something positive/enjoyable

Resolution: I’m taking better care of my mental health

Routine: Meet with a therapist every week

Resolution: I’m going to have a better relationship with my spouse/friend/child

Routine: Meet for coffee or lunch every Saturday

What happens? Those routines become tiny changes which bring about remarkable results.

James Clear, in his book “Atomic Habits” addresses this as well:

“You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.” – In other words, your routines are your systems. When you have a regular routine, you’ve started establishing a system.

“Every ACTION you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become.” The thought, the resolution, the intention is not enough. You must take action – start with a routine.

Here’s some tips:

1. Take small steps – The death of resolutions or any new routine is to

make it too general and too BIG!!

2. Tie your routine to something you already do; what James Clear calls “stacking habits.”

3. Know what works for you. As most of you know, when I decided to do regular stretching so I could walk without a limp, I tied that to an existing routine. I already got up, made coffee, read the paper, then went about my day. (See tip #2)

My new routine came with retraining my brain with a “reward”– “Barbra, you can read the paper and have a cup of coffee after you’ve stretched your leg.” I started with a few minutes (see tip #1)

Before long, it felt so good, I added more time and pretty soon, it’s a routine-- that became a system-- that became a part of my life.

What are your desires for this new year? The most common resolutions across the US revolve around a healthier body, a healthier mind and healthier finances.

What if……. You turned those resolutions into routines?

Happy New Year”s Routines 2022 from Barbra

The Very Thing You're Reluctant To Do.......

Thinking of You This Christmas


Hello from the Russell’s –2021 - A year of change for us.  

    At the beginning of the year, the Russell’s were firmly ensconced in our comfortable, safe place in Colorado where we’d lived and worked for 50 years.  
    Mid-year – July, to be exact, we were loading up and moving to Oklahoma, defying all my “I’ll never’s…..”

•    I’ll never move again – it’s too hard; we’re too old
•    I’ll never live in Oklahoma again – never liked it, never will
•    I’ll never find another home, hair stylist, or restaurant we love where everyone knows our name…….

But of course, you know the rest of the story – we are prime examples of the quote, “Never Say Never.”  We did all those things.   And glad we did.  Our new home state is refreshingly patriotic, Godly, and my family is near-by.   Good things have happened as we retired, moved, and started adjusting to our new life.

    How about you?  I know we're not the only ones who experienced some "stuff" in 2021. One thing I do know, however, it's always helpful to answer this question I saw posted on FB:  "Can we start a thread of good things that happened to you in 2021?  I don't care how small. Please."  

•     Here are some of the answers I saw:

      " Saw a dentist for the first time in 30 years
      * Got out of debt
      * My 85 year old mother is still with us
      * I was looking for a used fridge.  Instead found a used cat that had been abandoned in a parking lot.         
      I got up every day and was able to do whatever I wanted without fear or apprehension
      * I lived!  In spite of being accident prone! 
      * I turned 70 and I loved it.  Filling my bucket list.  Jumped out of a plane, zip lined, got 2 tattoos and more to do."
     Barbra’s response to this request:   "We moved to a place where I said I'd never go back. There my son found healing from a loooooooong and painful illness, my husband and I got healthier from some chronic conditions as well, and I learned for sure to "never say never". 
      And the lesson for us all: You never know when the very thing you're reluctant to do may turn out to be the very best for you.  
      No matter the year, no matter the circumstances, we're still here.   What good thing happened to you in 2021?  I'd love to hear it! 

With love, appreciation and true wishes for a great Christmas season, we say:
May your nights be starlit and your stockings filled with goodies chosen just for you.  And, most of all, may the baby in the manger and the Nativity Scene remind you that you are loved.  
Jerry, Barbra and Dane Russell 
Christmas, 2021

STRESSED! Who, Me?

STRESSED! WHO, ME?

Stressed? Who, Me? Yes, you. Stressed? Who, Me? Yes, me.

We all get stressed. And some of us STAY stressed.

But wait!! I have good news!! it gets better as you get older. Yep, the happiest people according to recent research are those ages 60-80.

There are several reasons:

• The older you are, the more self-assured and confident you are.

• Older people have better mental health

• Your life is likely more stable the older you get

• When you’re older, happiness means being content with what you have.

Let’s talk about these 4 points:

1. The older you get, the more self-assured and confident you are.

The search for identity is over

You’ve tried things, failed at some, succeeded in others and learned a lot. All that practice leads to self confidence (It’s why we give our kids chores – they hate them, but it helps them become confident in their abilities.).

Hopefully you, like me, have become a reformed people-pleaser. The practice of setting boundaries pays off.

2. Older people have better mental health

“Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we have made.” Bill Watterson. Older folks have survived enough calamities to learn that lesson.

This quote by Bill Keane is an adage people who’ve lived for several decades know and appreciate.

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.”

3. Your life is likely more stable the older you get.

Those awkward high school years and tumultuous 20’s are seen from the rearview window.

You’ve formed solid relationships – I well remember friends we’ve known for over 30 years

You’ve been successful at work and helped your children grow into responsible adults.

4. When you’re older, happiness means being content with what you have.

As Sheryl Crowe sang, “It’s not having what you want, it’s wanting what you have.”

Happiness is not reserved just for the older generation, however. Researchers describe the “happiness curve” as a U-shaped one, with happiness at a high in your 20’s, dips in middle age and shoots back up again in your 50-60’s to be enjoyed for many years to come.

Overall, the research is worth noting – especially given the fact that many people think aging is a negative more than a positive experience. Just a little something to keep in mind if you’re dreading the number of candles on your next birthday cake.

As Gertrude Stein famously said, “You look ridiculous if you dance. You look ridiculous if you don’t dance. So you might as well dance.”

Fifty-two Feet To The Mailbox

Fifty-two Feet To The Mailbox

Even though Jim Stovall’s eyesight had been diminishing for years, the real diagnosis came when he was 17. A medical specialist told him that he wasn’t sure why, and he didn’t know when but, beyond a shadow of a doubt, someday Stovall would completely lose his sight. Nothing could be done.

Now, for the “rest of the story” as famed radio commentator Paul Harvey used to say.

Jim Stovall is the author of several books including “You Don’t Have To Be Blind To See” and “The Ultimate Gift,”

He’s the founder and president of the Emmy Award-winning “Narrative Television Network.” He’s been a national champion weightlifter. He has a long list of accomplishments and awards – all made more impressive because Stovall is blind.

Let me tell you some of his story along with principles I found embedded in an article by Jane Jayroe Gamble:

Principle: Disaster Can Strike Us All

Disaster struck Jim Stovall at the age of 17. Whether young or old, we can be hit with a dreaded diagnosis or a stunning upset. Disaster can strike us all.

Jim’s ambition had been to become a professional football player. At 17, his vision loss would take that off the table. In addition to no more football – or scholarship to ORU – he faced giving up driving and being able to read.

Principle: Instead of Focusing on What You Can’t Do, Focus on What You Can

In response to the devastating news, Jim Stovall’s focus turned from football to weightlifting, and a determination to finish his degree at Oral Roberts University. He found a tutor to help him see what he could no longer read.

Principle: Sometimes in the dark you find the brightest light

Crystal, Jim’s tutor, eventually became his wife. You never know when you’re in a dark place, something --or someone-- may appear. And your life is changed forever.

Principle: You Have to Face The Reality of Loss

Jim prepared; he compensated; perhaps he thought he was ready to deal with going blind. However, he discovered that loss is able to sucker-punch you, no matter what you do. Perhaps you’ve found that to be true in your own life because loss comes in all forms.

The dreaded day arrived. Stovall writes “I remember waking up one morning, and I stepped into the bathroom and turned on the bright light and looked in the mirror and I couldn’t see anything…. The light, the mirror, nothing. And I realized, that’s it. I have now reached the bottom of this. And I went into this little 9x12 room at the back of my house. I fully intended never to walk out of that room again.”

Stovall said in that room he lost more than his sight. “Sight is a precious thing, but compared to vision, it’s really nothing, because people perish for lack of vision. People can live well without sight.” His struggle and frustration, and the fear of leaving that known-and-safe place was more than he could have imagined.

Principle: Recognize When “This” Is Not Living

Then one day he realized:“This isn’t living. This is only existing. I’m not going to lose any more of my sight, but if I continue to sit here, I’m going to lose my life.”

As Stovall stated, “As soon as the fear of not trying gets to be bigger than the fear of failing, we move.” That day he walked 52 feet to the mailbox. And that day began Stovall’s life purpose.

“One afternoon, I put on this old movie that I had enjoyed while I could see. I thought I’d just listen and follow along. But then, somebody shot somebody, and somebody screamed, and a car sped away and I forgot what happened and I got really frustrated.

I thought, “somebody ought to do something.”

So, Jim Stovall developed narrative TV. TV shows and movies now have an extra soundtrack, making them accessible to 13 million blind and visually impaired people all across the United States and millions more around the world. That stunning success led to Stovall’s speaking and writing career.

Principle: Pursue Things That Are Bigger Than You.

In his book, “You Doo’t Have To Be Blind To See,” Stovall shares what he learned from his experience, and how, regardless of circumstances, we can still fulfill our destinies.

Because Jim Stovall discovered these principles and put them into action, his story of despair evolved into the one which inspired me today.

I hope you’ll also be motivated to be all you’re meant to be — You just have to walk 52 Feet To The Mailbox

Venting - Is It Good or Bad?

Venting – Is It Good or Bad?

I’ve always told the interns I supervised, “healing happens when people get to tell their story.”

            Some researchers seem to disagree, however.  Jeff Haden writes: “Why Science Says Emotionally Intelligent People Follow the Rule of No Complaints.  When something bad happens, venting can actually make you feel worse – for days.”

 To complain or not to complain, that is the question.

Venting – is it good or bad?

  I’ve seen the results of “holding it all in.”  My mother was 68 years old before she spoke up.  Her father had physically and sexually assaulted her and all nine siblings.  I finally understood why she and my aunts and uncles had issues. My mother suffered with stomach ulcers, back pain and mental distress.  Her siblings became alcoholics or endured a variety of physical illnesses.   One became a sexual perpetrator like his father. 

No one talked about incest in those days. 

 The night she called us, my mother had suffered so long, she felt she was dying and urgently needed to speak out.  She did.  She vented – for l-l/2 hours. 

After she did, healing began to happen.

Over the years, people have told me their stories; stories of abuse, stories of trauma, hurt and unimaginable pain.  And when they finally let it all out, I see the relief and changes that start to occur.  Yes, healing happens when people tell their stories.

Why then does science say emotionally intelligent people refuse to complain?  How do they somehow stay positive and keep moving forward no matter what happens?  And what’s wrong with complaining anyway?

“Discussing events immediately, during or after they occur forces the brain to re-live or ‘rehearse’ the negative emotional response,’ the researchers write.  ‘This creates a stronger association in memory, exaggerating the influence of the emotional episode.”  In other words, complaining about a negative event actually cements the incident in your mind.  Instead of helping you to move on, complaining causes the negative feelings to bleed over into other areas of your life.  Add it all up and complaining makes you feel worse today AND worse tomorrow. 

 So what’s the deal?  Which is better?  To vent or not to vent?

Venting to process events, to be heard, to find solutions, is helpful.  For example, people talk to a counselor to:

·      Obtain clarity about a situation

·      Get unstuck

·      Find a new direction

Complaining sucks you down into a deep pit.  We’ve all heard people relate the same story again and again; it generally goes like this:

·      I have it so bad,

·      The world is a mess,

·      Other people have done me wrong

Here’s what they need to know, however.  People who complain experience worse moods, feel less satisfaction or pride in their work, feel less happy and experience poorer self-esteem.

  Those who vent to move forward experience the opposite.  They are happier, more resilient and remain positive in the midst of pain

            This doesn’t mean the only response to a negative situation is to simply grin and bear it.  Nor does it mean you just have to suck it up.  Inc. writer Justin Bariso says, “Emotional intelligence ultimately means making your emotions work for you, not against you.  So instead of wasting energy by complaining, blow off that steam by talking about how you’ll make things better.  What you’ll do next time; what you won’t do next time.” 

There’s a difference between venting and complaining. 

Make staying positive a skill -- one you improve through practice and repetition.

And, Haden goes on to say, don’t stop there.  When the people around you complain, listen.  Empathize.  And then help them shift their focus to finding ways to improve the situation.  Because research also shows that when your friends feel happier and more productive, so do you. 

Win-win. 

Why Are People Moving To Oklahoma?

Why are people moving to Oklahoma?   

We moved to Oklahoma this month and I was pleasantly surprised to find LOTS of people are moving here.  People from California, Washington and Oregon, and yes, even people from Colorado.

       After marrying, I left my birthplace and repeatedly proclaimed:  "I'll never move back to Oklahoma if they give me the WHOLE state!"  Famous last words, right?  Have you ever said "I'll never" and God just laughs and says, "we'll see?"  
       My famous last words were based on negative memories from childhood.  And negative impressions buried in your brain can be long-lasting, no matter the subject.  Fear, stubbornness. or doubt help cement them into a crypt which sometimes takes dynamite to blow to pieces.  

       Yet, remember this:  After the explosion, a new life can begin.  Because what is also true is God knows what He’s doing.  

       A Facebook memory popped up today with this quote: “Is your relationship with God sufficient for you to expect Him to exhibit His life in you?  To dare to let God be all He says He’ll be?”  For me, I had to ask:  “What if that means moving back to Oklahoma?”  My answer (after some thinking and praying I assure you,) was Yes.  

         What might it mean for you?   

 It starts with a decision – I’m going to let God be all He says He’ll be, even if it’s different from what I had imagined or planned.   “I have decided” – such freedom in those words!  (See chapter 4 of Yes! I Said No! – shameless plug)   

 In our new life in Oklahoma, we start by   
•    Celebrating what is already here:

        Beauty in nature, Bondi bowls from Australia, and friendly people who wave when they see you.  The icing on the cake is that we are now closer to my family!  
•    Next, learning about people, places and things around us.  
           I learned about a couple of courageous women from Edmond, our new hometown:
    Shannon Miller is an American artistic gymnast and seven-time Olympic medalist.   
    She’s also a cancer survivor.  She writes: “My life had finally settled into a wonderful pattern of purpose and contentment…Then cancer happened – shocking and unexpected just like it is for the millions of other people it attacks every day.  Having Olympic medals didn’t count for a thing when facing this dreaded disease, but my tough training did. I knew how to set goals, eliminate negative thoughts, accept help from others, and keep moving forward one small step at a time.”
      Great advice, Shannon!   

    “Leaping Into History” – This sculpture honors Nannita R.H. “Kentucky” Daisey who gained fame during the Oklahoma land rush on April 22nd, 1889, when she literally leapt Into history by jumping from the cowcatcher of a Boomer train and marking her claim just north of Edmond with stakes and her petticoat. Catching the caboose for the ride to the Land office in Guthrie, she became one of the first unaccompanied women in the territory to file for a land grant in her own name. As a political activist, journalist and teacher, she continued to enrich her fellow Oklahomans for the remainder of her life, typifying those who have served to make our state great.
        Why are people moving to Oklahoma?  There are many reasons.  I, like Nannita Daisey, am leaping into this new adventure, marking a claim in Edmond and looking forward to making a difference.  
        I encourage you wherever you live, to fully embrace your life – your city, your state and your purpose.  Because God has a purpose for you just where you are.  

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