Secrets are no fun

🤫 You know what they say about secrets – they’re no fun. 🤫

Picture this: It's the dead of night, and the phone shatters the silence. My heart races. It's my 68-year-old mother, her voice trembling with urgency. She has a secret to reveal, convinced that her time is running out.

What unfolded in those early morning hours unlocked a door to my past, shedding light on my upbringing and my relationship with my father. The patterns woven into my life by that revelation ultimately led me to penning my first book, "Yes! I Said No!"

Curious to hear more? I recently had the pleasure of chatting with Ginger Monceaux on her podcast, "The Midlife Empress." In our candid conversation, we delved into the profound impact of secrets and trauma on our present lives, the lifesaving role of counseling and coaching, the myth of people-pleasing as a spiritual gift, and the fascinating insights from understanding brain chemistry in fostering healthy relationships.

🎧 Tune in to the episode using the link below. After listening, drop a comment or leave a review. And don't forget to share the wisdom with your circle. Let's start a ripple of empowerment and growth together! 🌊

[Link to the podcast episode: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/secrets-are-no-fun-a-deep-dive-with-barbra-russell/id1705941089?i=1000654807687]

I'm all ears for your thoughts and reflections. Let's keep the conversation flowing! 💬 - Barbra

Purple Nails and The Rules of Communication

Purple Nails and The Rules of Communication

Recently I went to a nail salon to get a mani/pedi, one of my favorite forms of self-care!

I didn’t want purple nails; in fact, I was quite clear when I made the appointment. "I want light pink nails with white French tips” I instructed, just like I’d gotten for years. I wanted dark red on my toes, but not on my fingernails, oh no.

And yet, how did it happen that I walked out of the shop with these purple nails?

As the famous line from “Cool Hand Luke” says: “What we have here is a failure to communicate.” What happened? Where was the failure to communicate?

After thinking about it, I realized miscommunication happens in every-day interactions with others; therefore I came up with some guidelines to keep you and me out of trouble.

The Purple Nails Rules of Communication

There Are“Do’s” and "Don'ts"

Do Speak Up; Ask Questions

When you speak up, be sure not to accuse – Imagine the fight that could start with: “OMG, don’t you ever listen? I told you….” A great question to ask: “What did you mean by that?” **. (See blog by that name in Stories From the Couch on my web site.

Take responsibility

. “I told the receptionist that I wanted light pink with French tips, but I didn’t tell you."

In fact, the misunderstanding in the nail salon came from two short sentences:

Manicurist: “You want the same color?”

Me: “Yes.”

I wanted the same light pink/French tips and I thought she was confirming that. I figured out later she was asking if I wanted the same deep color on my fingernails that I had chosen for my toenails. And I said “yes.” That's where the trouble began.

The mani/pedi began; I relaxed. I wasn’t really paying attention; my eyes were closed and I was enjoying being pampered.

I opened my eyes, and my nails were purple! Oh no! Not what I wanted; not what I said! Next lesson:

Pay Attention; Be Fully Present

Couples, friends or work partners often don’t pay attention until it’s too late. Maybe they’re relaxing; maybe they’re focused on something else. It pays to pay attention!  It certainly would have helped me that day.

Listen To Hear; Listen to Understand –

The best way to truly understand what someone is saying is to repeat, “What I heard you say was….. (summarizing their statement).”

Decide You’d Rather Be Happy Than Right

How often do people fight because they feel compelled to prove they’re right? Well, as the question goes: Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized being right’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Another thing you learn with age is this: worry about what you can control. If you can’t control it, let it go. And folks, we can’t control anybody else. As a counselor, I see people trying to control others through communication; it’s not worth it.

“Don’ts” of Communication

Don’t Make Assumptions.

I assumed because I requested French tip nails when checking in, that direction would be passed on to my manicurist. Mistake. Big mistake. Never make assumptions. Examples: “I’d say something to you, but you’ll just jump down my throat if it’s not done perfectly.” “We talked about this the other day and you just conveniently forgot, I see.”

Don’t Make Up a Story about Misunderstandings

When you get right down to it, most communication failures are due to misunderstandings. And when you add a motive, one you’ve decided is there, it’s no wonder people can’t talk to each other!

Examples: “She’s mad at me.” “I just knew when I didn’t get right back to him, that he’d think of some way to get back at me.” “She doesn’t like me and decided to paint my nails purple just to spite me.”

Don’t Keep a Silent Tab

“Every single time I try to talk to you, you get mad.” “All month long you’ve ignored everything I’ve tried to tell you.” “You never listen.”

Silent tabs can run up a huge bill!

What’s the Solution?

I had a decision to make. I could have told the manicurist to remove all that polish and give me what I wanted and what I thought I had very clearly requested. And that’s a good solution; things get cleared up all around. However, I decided to make another choice = I’d let it go, an option you can choose as well. I kept the purple nails.

Sometimes you let things go

Obviously, when it’s important, you say something. If you ALWAYS let things go, perhaps from fear of conflict, that often causes repressed anger. And repressed anger acts like a dormant volcano, ready to explode.

This time, I thought, “Oh well, I’ve never done this before; I’ll have purple nails and see what I think. Maybe I’ll feel like a young adventurous girl!!” I decided to let it go.

The Moral of the Story

If I want to avoid purple nails and if you want better communication, we need to follow the do’s and don’ts. Do speak up. Do ask questions. Do decide to let some things go. Do listen to really hear.

Don’t make assumptions. Don’t make up a story or add a motive. Don’t keep a silent tab.

Want a better marriage, friendship, work relationship?

Learn the Purple Nails’ Rules of Communication!

Note: See similar blogs such as "How To Have a Healthy Relationship," "What Did You Mean by that?" and "Negative Assumptions - They're Killers." Find them on my web site in Stories From the Couch on barbrarussell.com

What If....... You make routines, not resolutions this year?

It’s time to make New Year’s Resolutions!

Because that’s what people do, right? It’s January - Make resolutions.

Come February – those resolutions are generally ruined.

What if you did something different this year?

Make routines, not resolutions.

Here’s what that might look like:

Resolution: I’m going to lose 20#

Routine: Daily walking for 20-30 minutes

Resolution: I’m going to regularly do devotions

Routine: Read the Bible while I’m flossing my teeth

Resolution: Stop watching/listening to the news

Routine: TV only turned on once a day to something positive/enjoyable

Resolution: I’m taking better care of my mental health

Routine: Meet with a therapist every week

Resolution: I’m going to have a better relationship with my spouse/friend/child

Routine: Meet for coffee or lunch every Saturday

What happens? Those routines become tiny changes which bring about remarkable results.

James Clear, in his book “Atomic Habits” addresses this as well:

“You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.” – In other words, your routines are your systems. When you have a regular routine, you’ve started establishing a system.

“Every ACTION you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become.” The thought, the resolution, the intention is not enough. You must take action – start with a routine.

Here’s some tips:

1. Take small steps – The death of resolutions or any new routine is to

make it too general and too BIG!!

2. Tie your routine to something you already do; what James Clear calls “stacking habits.”

3. Know what works for you. As most of you know, when I decided to do regular stretching so I could walk without a limp, I tied that to an existing routine. I already got up, made coffee, read the paper, then went about my day. (See tip #2)

My new routine came with retraining my brain with a “reward”– “Barbra, you can read the paper and have a cup of coffee after you’ve stretched your leg.” I started with a few minutes (see tip #1)

Before long, it felt so good, I added more time and pretty soon, it’s a routine-- that became a system-- that became a part of my life.

What are your desires for this new year? The most common resolutions across the US revolve around a healthier body, a healthier mind and healthier finances.

What if……. You turned those resolutions into routines?

Happy New Year”s Routines 2022 from Barbra

They said, "I Want To Grow Old With You...." But how do you do that?

“I want to grow old with you...” How many couples say this - and how many are successful? To sit side by side when you’re old and gray - how do you do it? To get through the exciting “dating” stage, then build a life with job, kids, family and friends .... without losing the love, the connection, couples ask;

How do you do that?

Another common statement we hear at weddings: Love Is – 1 Corinthians 13 – Love is kind, patient, long-suffering, etc. etc.

What we don’t hear is what Love is NOT:

Love is not mind reading. – “If you loved me, you’d know!”

Love is not making assumptions

Love does not fix your insecurities

Love is not the courage you need to change you – although it can be support

Love does not mean changing the other into the person you want them to be

Join me as we discuss practical tips and tools to set boundaries AROUND your marriage, IN your marriage and FOR your marriage. Three hours of instruction, discussion and therapy for only $49; to register, and to see more details: Go to my web site for more details about this one-morning virtual class on April 17. Barbrarussell.com/Yes! I Said I Do!

If You Don't Address Your Childhood Traumas, Your Romantic Relationships Will

“If you don’t address your childhood traumas, your romantic relationships will.”

 

Principle:  If you don’t deal with your “stuff” your “baggage” will come back and bite you in the butt.

This principle applies to other things as well:  Grief, unforgiveness, and loss – and can show up in your workplace or with other people.  Today, I’m talking about how it shows up in romantic relationships. 

Story of Tom and Beverly:

Beverly grew up as a hillbilly from Tennessee watching her parents’ bitter, violent fights.  They’d scream and throw accusations at each other, and she’d go to bed at night, put her hands over her ears and pray that no one would be seriously injured or dead when she awoke. 

So many mornings, she’d secretly vow she would never have a marriage like this!  She didn’t know how she was going to avoid it, but she was NOT going to live like those two – this would never happen to her! 

Her father finally left her mother, breaking Beverly’s heart.  Her mom grew hard and bitter; her father married a much younger woman and moved away, and her mom went to work full-time, leaving 4 kids at home to care for themselves.  One brother turned to drugs; Beverly turned to religion. Surely God would never let her have a marriage like her parents!

On the other side of the US, in California, Tom had struggles of his own.  His upbringing seemed different; he was raised in church; his father was an elder and his mother a Sunday school teacher.  But one day he was devastated to discover that his family was breaking up due to his father’s chronic adultery.  This was the man he idolized who ultimately divorced his mother – he vowed he would live his life differently!  With God’s help, he would not repeat his parents’ pattern!  He would find his soul mate.

So the two found each other, and they each brought scars and fears to their romantic relationship.  Because couples find partners with similar wounds, but each has adapted differently. 

And here’s what happens when you don’t attend to your childhood traumas 

Tom and Beverly got married and 2 months into the relationship, they started arguing about quiche, of all things!  Tom hated it, and Beverly was forcefully arguing about its many virtues.  After going back and forth for a while, Tom suddenly said, “I’m leaving.  I’m gonna go out on the porch and cool off.”

Beverly had a flashback, an “old brainer,” and immediately reacted crazily – “Leave!  Did I hear you say leave?”  The danger bell rang in her “old brain” and she ran to him and grabbed his leg.  “Please don’t leave!  How can you be so mean and leave me at a time like this?”

Tom looked at her incredulously – “What are you so upset about?  I’m just cooling off.  Can’t a guy get a break around here?” 

Beverly’s “old brain and messages” said, that when a man leaves, he doesn’t come back.  It was only years later that she remembered when she was 4 or 5 years old and her dad was leaving, and she grabbed his leg, begging him not to go.  ‘Please, daddy, please don’t leave!”

 You have to realize that when she and Tom were arguing and he wanted to get away from her meltdown, she was not thinking like a young, sensible bride in love.  She was thinking like an abandoned little girl.  She had learned that when a man leaves, he may not come back.

And Tom’s reaction came from his childhood memories – Tom’s parents had ultimately divorced after years of his father’s chronic adultery.  He had learned you don’t confront problems; you avoid and run from them.  His fears stemmed from seeing a repeat of his parents’ marriage seemingly playing out before him, and he just wanted a “time out.” 

And when you don’t attend to your childhood traumas, your romantic relationships will – Tom and Beverly show us exactly how this plays out.  Tom and Beverly Rodgers are real people, by the way, and share this story in their book, “Soul Healing Love.”

 

“Helpless Smart Dummy” wrote in to “Dear Abby” saying she was in a terrible relationship with a very abusive man and she didn’t know how, with 2 master’s degrees, she could have picked such a narcissistic jerk.  She wondered, “what’s wrong with me?”

Come to find out, she grew up in an abusive family of alcoholics and ragers and fit the characteristics of adult children of alcoholics,  She went on to say “I’m afraid to kick him out because I never meet anyone and I’ve been alone most of my life”

Amy responded:  “People who grew up in chaotic, neglectful, abusive, and alcoholic households often internalize the idea that they are somehow “Not enough.”  Probably because, despite their heroic efforts as children, they can’t fix, heal, or change the dynamics of their family of origin. 

They wind up having codependency issues or like Beverly and Tom, have terrible reactions and wind up with miserable relationships if they don’t attend to their childhood traumas.  The writer to “Dear Amy” didn’t even realize what was wrong.  She didn’t like it, but she thought this was normal --  isn’t this how everybody’s home is?  Because when you live in the middle of chaos and are shown nothing else, that’s what you think.  “Everybody lives like this, and I guess I just have to live like this too.  What else am I going to do?”

So you have to recognize that, and how you do that is sometimes just by reading stories like this, and lightbulbs go off over your head – yeah, this is not normal; it’s not right. 

The question then arises: 

How do you attend to those childhood traumas?  Attend means to:   Pay attention to – don’t ignore, to take care of, to minister to.   So, all the mess you thought you’d left behind can come back to haunt you until you

1.    Are aware of destructive patterns

2.    Ask for help

3.    Begin to process the pain

When you have that aha! moment i- “OMG, that sounds like my childhood,” what do you need to do?  You can see a counselor; you can take a course, read a book or attend a group. 

Often, you can’t see the forest for the trees and need an objective third party to help point out patterns that are self-destructive, not only for the people around you, but for you as well. 

When somebody says to you, “Whoa!  That was way out of line,” pay attention, notice patterns.  When you’ve come out of such backgrounds, you’re going to come out with wounds and scars – you can’t help it.  It’s not your fault.  However, a lot of kids growing up that way will feel “there’s something wrong with me, I’m not good enough,” because they probably tried to get it to stop – they begged and pleaded, and when it doesn’t work, they feel they’ve failed, I’m not good enough” because nothing changed.  And those messages stick in your limbic brain, that survival part of your brain and will raise its ugly head in your romantic relationship.

 

When you’re trying to get your life straightened out, and it’s all crooked, you may have to forgive, you may have to face fears, but when you’re with a safe person, you can do it!  

And join me for my 4-week class on Yes! I Said No! How To Set Healthy Boundaries and Increase Your Self Esteem that starts on January 16 – go to www.barbrarussell.com/masterclass for more details.