Finding Strength in the Storm

Subject: Finding Strength in the Storm

I recently saw several social media posts, two of which read like this:

"I am 26 and am feeling unhappy with everything -- climate change, politicians, my work, the future. How can I get out of this funk?"

"This year probably took me closer to the edge than I've ever been.... And that's saying something."

Have you felt like that this past year?

I hear you. The weight of the world right now can feel like too much, and when it all piles up— politics, work stress, uncertainty about the future—it’s easy to feel stuck, like you’re spinning your wheels in the mud. You’re not alone in this feeling. One of Jelly Roll’s lines captures it perfectly:

"I’m falling apart right in front of you, can’t you see?"

There’s a raw honesty in those words, a reminder that feeling broken or overwhelmed doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human. And being human also means you have something incredible within you: resilience.

I want to share a story about resilience, one that might just help you shift your perspective.

Years ago, there was a young woman named Maya who faced what felt like insurmountable odds. She’d lost her job, was struggling with a family crisis, and, to top it off, was navigating an increasingly uncertain world. One day, at her lowest point, she stumbled across a quote: “You can’t control the waves, but you can learn to surf.”

At first, she was skeptical—how could “surfing” help with her problems? But instead of letting the chaos swallow her, she started taking small steps. She wrote down three things she was grateful for each day. She found ways to connect with others who inspired her. She didn’t fix everything overnight, but little by little, she built strength. She discovered that while she couldn’t stop the storms, she could learn to ride them out—and sometimes even find beauty in the process.

Resilience doesn’t mean you’re immune to pain or stress. It means that you keep going, even when things feel impossible. It’s about finding those small moments of light, even when the shadows are long.

So how do you start to climb out of your funk? Here are a few steps:

Acknowledge how you feel. Pretending everything’s fine won’t help. Be honest with yourself, and let yourself feel what you’re feeling.

Focus on what you can control. You might not be able to solve climate change single-handedly, but you can make choices—big or small—that align with your values.

Connect. Whether it’s with friends, family, or a professional, don’t go it alone. Find your posse; ; sharing your feelings can lighten the load.

Practice gratitude. It sounds cliché, but it works. Even in the hardest moments, there’s always something to be thankful for.

Find purpose in small actions. Volunteering, helping a neighbor, or working on a passion project can give you a sense of meaning and accomplishment.

The world may feel heavy, but you don’t have to carry it all on your shoulders.

Consider talk therapy in person or online.

You have more strength than you think, and sometimes, simply taking one step forward is the most powerful thing you can do.

Remember, resilience isn’t about never falling; it’s about always getting back up. And when you do, you’ll see just how far you’ve come.

You’ve got this.

With hope,

Barbra

A 5-year Journey to Healing: Tying Knots and Finding Hope

A 5-Year Journey to Healing: Tying Knots and Finding Hope

April 1st marks a significant milestone for the Russell family - five years since our world was turned upside down. Five years since Dane, our vibrant son, was suddenly struck with a debilitating illness, leaving him bedridden and we, his parents, feeling helpless, stressed, and bewildered.

A question echoes in our minds: how could this once healthy, vibrant individual, a teacher and counselor admired by many, become a mere shadow of his former self?

Dane had already battled through thyroid cancer and open-heart surgery, only to face yet another daunting challenge. April 1st, 2019, for many, signaled the onset of isolation due to the Covid-19 pandemic. But for the Russell’s, it marked the beginning of a different kind of isolation, one of medical uncertainty and emotional turmoil.

Doctors struggled to pinpoint the exact cause of Dane's condition, let alone offer a viable treatment. The consequences were devastating - Dane lost his job, his home, and worst of all, his health, all in one fell swoop. Nights were spent in the ER, with needles, prodding, and prayers offering little relief. "I don't want to live like this!” Dane cried, and that anguished cry echoed in my ears day and night; yet I remained helpless.

In the midst of medical interventions and desperate prayers, we could only cling to hope. We plastered Dane's room with healing scriptures, filled the air with worship music, but still, nothing changed.

What do you do when you reach the end of your rope? You tie a knot and hang on, as the saying goes. And that's precisely what we did, clinging to each other and our faith with unwavering determination.

Then, in the fall of 2023, a glimmer of hope emerged. We attended Andrew Womack's Healing Conference, where, though no instant miracle occurred, Dane began to slowly improve. Encouraged by this progress, Dane took a leap of faith and enrolled in Charis Bible College, where he found solace and healing amidst a supportive community.

And now, on this April day, our family embarks on a journey we were forced to abandon five years ago. We visit Glenwood Springs, indulge in the soothing waters of the Hot Springs, and stroll through Vail, surrounded by the hustle and bustle of skiers

We marvel at the majestic beauty of Garden of the Gods, relishing in Dane's infectious laughter and radiant smile once more.

For us, this journey has been one of resilience, faith, and unwavering hope. Now we want to stand as a beacon of encouragement to all who find themselves in the midst of their own dark night of the soul.

As the old saying goes, when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.” For if there's healing for Dane, there's healing for you. If there’s hope for Dane, there’s hope for your situation, no matter how dire.

Tie a Knot and Hang On!

Stress, Mess and Goldilocks

As Christmas approaches, the age-old question echoes in our minds: Which comes first, the stress or the mess? Much like pondering the origin of the chicken and the egg, it seems that both are intertwined in a dance of holiday chaos.

Ironically, the better you are, the more you may experience this conundrum. Yes, you can be stressed, but not necessarily in a negative way. The worry about project outcomes is accompanied by a sense of drive and energy. Whether you love your job or not, worry, stress, and anxiety are familiar companions in demanding roles.

Enter the Goldilocks Principle, as Dr. Bhatnagar calls it—the delicate balance of stress and anxiety. Like Goldilocks seeking the perfect porridge temperature, individuals perform optimally with just the right level of anxiety. Too little may signify disinterest, while excessive anxiety can harm self-esteem. Stress, a response to external factors, isn't inherently bad; short bursts are beneficial, releasing cortisol for sharper thinking. However, chronic stress is the real Grinch stealing our well-being.

Recognizing signs of healthy anxiety—excitement and manageable worry—versus harmful stress, like sleep troubles and physical symptoms, is crucial. Change, a significant stressor, whether positive or negative, is as consistent as, well, change itself.

Our lives underwent changes this past year. We returned to Colorado, and as Christi said, "Now Barbra is back in CO, and all is right with the world." We're in Colorado Springs, enjoying a view of the mountains from our backyard. Dane's back pain improved, allowing him to enroll at Charis Bible College in Woodland Park, CO. Positive stress.

However, we also faced the challenge of succumbing to Covid after many years. It was a harrowing experience, as many can relate. Just now recovering. Negative stress.

I'm sure your life has been a mix of positive and negative stress, change, and adjustment. As you sample different "porridge" in search of that "just right" spot, remember that you are special—to me and many others.

Remember, life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Most of all, I pray your Christmas will be blessed, and may your New Year be filled with love and happiness.

Jerry, Barbra and Dane Russell

How Adding This One Word To Your Vocabulary Can Change Your Life

I’ve spent thousands of counseling hours working with many people who want to say “no,” who need to say “no,” but who say “yes” anyway.

One client was abused as a young child and when she told her mom, she was instructed to keep silent so as not to shame the family. Over the years she felt insecure and ashamed; her biggest challenge became speaking up for herself.

Another client is a husband, a father, a manager at work, coach of his son’s soccer team, volunteer at his church and on call 24/7 as a community fireman. While he enjoyed each aspect of his involvement, he was beginning to feel frustrated and unappreciated. He needed to learn to say “no.”

A third client loved all her large family but as the oldest, she took care of her siblings because mom was an alcoholic and dad was gone. She learned to please everyone because “if people like you, you feel accepted.” Rejection and trust issues led to resentment and bitterness. “Why me?”

These clients are not alone; I too yearned to be accepted and became a parent-pleaser who morphed into people pleasing as a way of life.

I was mortified when my home economics teacher announced to the entire class: “This is terrible stitching; Barbra has shown us the wrong way to sew.” And years later, when my boss asked my opinion, my face burned red and my throat closed down for fear I’d say the wrong thing.

Yes, I was with those who “hang onto known misery rather than reach out for unknown happiness.” Speaking up, being different, or saying no was way too scary.

Yet I, along with these clients, am living a different life because I learned to set boundaries.

Now I want to help others experience the confidence and freedom which comes when you declare, “Yes! I Said No!”

As most of you know, six years ago I wrote a book by the same name which, I’m happy to report, has helped so many. Here’s a few testimonials I’m sharing because I’d like you to help me spread the word about the new hardback edition of Yes! I Said No!

“Barbra Russell, what you said resonated with me! Thank you. You described me. I became a people pleaser to survive in the abusive relationship I was in. It’s taken me over a decade to come back from that and finally say no. It’s only been recently that I recognized that I was still shutting down emotionally and using that learned behavior even though I wasn’t physically living there. I still have to deal with my son’s father because of my son, but I have learned to stand up for myself with him for my son.”

“Thank you, Barbra. I was just reviewing your video and love what you share about boundaries. You are very relatable and you speak from the heart. You share transparently about how boundaries used to be hard for you AND THEN GIVE US TOOLS to set better ones for ourselves. Just brilliant!”

“Barbra’s book Yes! I Said No! truly changed my life. Coming from an Amish background, I was well equipped to meekly obey and always say yes, but it did not bring peace to me or my relationships. Barbra’s book and workbook are thin, easy to read, easy to remember, and the uncomplicated tools made navigating relationships so much easier.”

There are three questions on the YISN book jacket:

o Is it hard to find time for yourself?

o Do you often ignore what you want, and focus instead on what others want?

o Do you find it difficult to speak up for yourself?

Ask some of my clients who’ve answered yes to all these questions and as a result have been silent most of their lives. They couldn’t handle conflict, and felt they had no choice but to be people-pleasers. “Boundaries” was a foreign word. No longer. Now “freedom” is their favorite feeling, and “boundaries” a familiar concept.

Check out this dust jacket with the new picture and classy look – (thanks Meg Delagrange Belfon). Yes! I Said No! is now available through Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Walmart, Books-A-Million and other places around the world! My dream of this book affecting thousands of people is coming to pass! The first edition has been out for over 6 years and people are still ordering it –from as far away as the UK and Canada. Here’s some of what you’ll find in YISN:

o Why Is It So Hard to Say No?

o People Pleasing is not a Spiritual Gift

o How to Care Without Carrying People

o How to Say No without blowing up, running away or wimping out (shutting down.)

You’ll find useful concepts to set healthy boundaries. There's also practical tips to increase your self-esteem like:

o The Power of Deciding

o To be successful, invest in yourself,

o How to develop thick, armor-plated skin.

I love the testimonies I’ve received about people’s lives changing because of this book. People have said: “I’m standing up for myself now at work, at home and in relationships.” “I feel so much more confident and I actually know how to set boundaries. Before, I was always afraid I’d be thought of as rude, selfish or mean.” “I started to say “no” and I’ve grown as a result.”

Now I’d like your help to spread the word. Do you know someone in another city, or state, or another country? Please share this information with them. I’d like for Yes! I Said No! to become the new bible for boundaries. I want people to say no when they need to so they can say yes when they want to.

Will you help me out? Please share with others; buy a book and read it; buy another and send it. “No” is a word you need to add to your vocabulary.

Below are links to some of the places you can order the new hardcover edition of Yes! I Said No!

Amazon:

https://amzn.to/45pTgAw

Barnes and Noble:

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/yes-i-said-no-barbra-e-russell/1134184980?ean=9780998077994

Walmart:

https://www.walmart.com/ip/Yes-I-Said-No-How-to-Set-Healthy-Boundaries-and-Increase-Your-Self-Esteem-Edition-3-Hardcover-9780998077994/2777803465?from=/search

Books-a-million:

https://www.booksamillion.com/p/Yes-Said-No/Barbra-E-Russell/9780998077994?id=8896562918651

Do you know someone who struggles with setting boundaries? Please share this blog with them.

A Thursday Miracle

A Thursday Miracle

It was a Thursday when the miracle happened.

We had been thinking about moving back to Colorado and in May we decided to put our house in Oklahoma on the market. We received an offer the next day.

We were going to Colorado to be with friends the following week, so we decided to look for a place while we were there.

The first day of house hunting we found our dream home. It had vaulted ceilings, an open-floor plan design and, most importantly, a view of the mountains! Yes, this was the place for us.

God helped us sell the place in Oklahoma, right? So this was surely His will. We submitted an offer. We took lots of pictures, shared our exciting news with family and waited to hear if this would be our new Colorado home.

Finally the next day our realtor called. “Guys, I’m afraid I have some bad news. They accepted another offer.” We were disappointed, of course, but rallied to say, “well then, God must have something better for us” and drove back to Oklahoma. Houseless.

For two weeks though, I couldn’t get that place out of my mind. I kept looking at the pictures and felt this was supposed to be our house. I had tried to accept defeat graciously, but guys, I’m just not that kind of person!

Then came the Thursday morning when God and I had a talk. “God, you know we really wanted that house. Now, if you have something better for us, show us. But…. What I’d really like is for something to happen to that other contract. OK, God?”

Thursday afternoon, Rich Kolosso, our realtor, called. “Guess what? The other people backed out of their contract. Their agent wants to know if you’re still interested in the house.”

Were we interested? You bet! God answered my prayer that very day – a Thursday miracle!

It’s June; I’m in my office in our new home, looking out the window and I gratefully say, “Thank you God. I feel so loved.” And I’ll never forget that day – Thursday, the day a miracle happened.

Alice and the Three Decisions

Alice Herz-Sommer

Tony Robbins, in his book Life Force, tells the following story:

“I interviewed Alice Herz-Sommer when she was 107 years old – – nearly 70 years after the Nazis murdered her mother and put her and her son in a concentration camp. Alice was a famous concert pianist in Europe, and she was forced to play in the inmate orchestra. She was told that if she didn’t look happy, they would murder her son in front of her. The Nazis actually made films of her playing to try and convince the world that they were treating Jews well. But in real life, the conditions were beyond brutal. Alice slept on a frozen dirt floor and channeled all her energy into trying to keep her son happy, even though they had little to eat.”

Yet Alice refused to let pain become her story. She gave more than 100 concerts, and while she was forced to entertain the Nazis, something beautiful happened. The music echoed through the yard, into the barracks, where the prisoners who were sick and hungry were fed by the sounds.

In Alice’s words, “We had to play because the Red Cross came three times a year. The Germans wanted to show its representatives that the situation of the Jews in Theresienstadt was good. Whenever I knew that I had a concert, I was happy. We performed in the council hall before an audience of 150 old, hopeless, sick and hungry people. They lived for the music. It was like food to them. If they hadn't come [to hear us], they would have died long before. As we would have.”

By serving others, Alice did more than survive the Nazis. She found a way to appreciate and enjoy her existence.

Robbins goes on to say, “During our interview, I was struck by how everything was so beautiful to Alice. She was living on her own at 107, still swimming and playing the piano. People in the building would listen to her play, just as they had in the camps seven decades earlier.

“Alice was grateful for everything. She talked about how beautiful life is, and how grateful she was that her son made it through that time. How beautiful it was that she survived cancer at 80 and was now 107!”

This story reminds me of something else Tony shares in his book; that our lives are controlled – yes controlled - by three decisions:

• What we focus on

• The meaning we attach

• Action we will take

Decision number one: “What we decide to focus on.”

In her book “A garden of Eden in Hell: The life of Alice Hertz Sommer” Alice stated that optimism was the key to her life:

“I look at the good. When you are relaxed, your body is always relaxed. When you are pessimistic, your body behaves in an unnatural way. It is up to us whether we look at the good or the bad. When you are nice to others, they are nice to you. When you give, you receive.”

Whatever you focus on, you’re going to feel – – whether it’s true or not – – because focus equals feelings. If you focus on the worst-case scenario, you’re going to feel fearful and sick to your stomach. If you focus on the best case, you’re going to feel confident.

Decision number two: “What does this mean?”

As soon as our brain focuses on something, we give it meaning. And whether that meaning is positive or negative completely shapes our life.

“Whenever I knew that I had a concert,” Alice stated, “I was happy. Music is magic.” Obviously determined to make the most of a terrible situation, she attached positive meaning to her situation.

Only you can decide what meaning to give to challenges in your life. “Is God punishing me or is God challenging me?” “Will this make me miserable, or could this big problem be a gift, a chance to grow?”

Decision number three: what am I going to do?

The emotions that grow out of meaning powerfully affect what action we take.

When a major disappointment occurs, some people get depressed while others feel driven to change it. Alice Herz-Sommer survived the horrors of Theresienstadt concentration camp by taking action. She decided to play!

Herz-Sommer is a great example of living out these three principles:

1. What do you choose to focus on?

2. What meaning do you attach to events?

3. What action will you take?

Alice Herz-Sommer found a way to do more than survive; she found a way to appreciate and enjoy her existence. Will you?

What If....... You make routines, not resolutions this year?

It’s time to make New Year’s Resolutions!

Because that’s what people do, right? It’s January - Make resolutions.

Come February – those resolutions are generally ruined.

What if you did something different this year?

Make routines, not resolutions.

Here’s what that might look like:

Resolution: I’m going to lose 20#

Routine: Daily walking for 20-30 minutes

Resolution: I’m going to regularly do devotions

Routine: Read the Bible while I’m flossing my teeth

Resolution: Stop watching/listening to the news

Routine: TV only turned on once a day to something positive/enjoyable

Resolution: I’m taking better care of my mental health

Routine: Meet with a therapist every week

Resolution: I’m going to have a better relationship with my spouse/friend/child

Routine: Meet for coffee or lunch every Saturday

What happens? Those routines become tiny changes which bring about remarkable results.

James Clear, in his book “Atomic Habits” addresses this as well:

“You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.” – In other words, your routines are your systems. When you have a regular routine, you’ve started establishing a system.

“Every ACTION you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become.” The thought, the resolution, the intention is not enough. You must take action – start with a routine.

Here’s some tips:

1. Take small steps – The death of resolutions or any new routine is to

make it too general and too BIG!!

2. Tie your routine to something you already do; what James Clear calls “stacking habits.”

3. Know what works for you. As most of you know, when I decided to do regular stretching so I could walk without a limp, I tied that to an existing routine. I already got up, made coffee, read the paper, then went about my day. (See tip #2)

My new routine came with retraining my brain with a “reward”– “Barbra, you can read the paper and have a cup of coffee after you’ve stretched your leg.” I started with a few minutes (see tip #1)

Before long, it felt so good, I added more time and pretty soon, it’s a routine-- that became a system-- that became a part of my life.

What are your desires for this new year? The most common resolutions across the US revolve around a healthier body, a healthier mind and healthier finances.

What if……. You turned those resolutions into routines?

Happy New Year”s Routines 2022 from Barbra

STRESSED! Who, Me?

STRESSED! WHO, ME?

Stressed? Who, Me? Yes, you. Stressed? Who, Me? Yes, me.

We all get stressed. And some of us STAY stressed.

But wait!! I have good news!! it gets better as you get older. Yep, the happiest people according to recent research are those ages 60-80.

There are several reasons:

• The older you are, the more self-assured and confident you are.

• Older people have better mental health

• Your life is likely more stable the older you get

• When you’re older, happiness means being content with what you have.

Let’s talk about these 4 points:

1. The older you get, the more self-assured and confident you are.

The search for identity is over

You’ve tried things, failed at some, succeeded in others and learned a lot. All that practice leads to self confidence (It’s why we give our kids chores – they hate them, but it helps them become confident in their abilities.).

Hopefully you, like me, have become a reformed people-pleaser. The practice of setting boundaries pays off.

2. Older people have better mental health

“Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we have made.” Bill Watterson. Older folks have survived enough calamities to learn that lesson.

This quote by Bill Keane is an adage people who’ve lived for several decades know and appreciate.

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.”

3. Your life is likely more stable the older you get.

Those awkward high school years and tumultuous 20’s are seen from the rearview window.

You’ve formed solid relationships – I well remember friends we’ve known for over 30 years

You’ve been successful at work and helped your children grow into responsible adults.

4. When you’re older, happiness means being content with what you have.

As Sheryl Crowe sang, “It’s not having what you want, it’s wanting what you have.”

Happiness is not reserved just for the older generation, however. Researchers describe the “happiness curve” as a U-shaped one, with happiness at a high in your 20’s, dips in middle age and shoots back up again in your 50-60’s to be enjoyed for many years to come.

Overall, the research is worth noting – especially given the fact that many people think aging is a negative more than a positive experience. Just a little something to keep in mind if you’re dreading the number of candles on your next birthday cake.

As Gertrude Stein famously said, “You look ridiculous if you dance. You look ridiculous if you don’t dance. So you might as well dance.”

Fifty-two Feet To The Mailbox

Fifty-two Feet To The Mailbox

Even though Jim Stovall’s eyesight had been diminishing for years, the real diagnosis came when he was 17. A medical specialist told him that he wasn’t sure why, and he didn’t know when but, beyond a shadow of a doubt, someday Stovall would completely lose his sight. Nothing could be done.

Now, for the “rest of the story” as famed radio commentator Paul Harvey used to say.

Jim Stovall is the author of several books including “You Don’t Have To Be Blind To See” and “The Ultimate Gift,”

He’s the founder and president of the Emmy Award-winning “Narrative Television Network.” He’s been a national champion weightlifter. He has a long list of accomplishments and awards – all made more impressive because Stovall is blind.

Let me tell you some of his story along with principles I found embedded in an article by Jane Jayroe Gamble:

Principle: Disaster Can Strike Us All

Disaster struck Jim Stovall at the age of 17. Whether young or old, we can be hit with a dreaded diagnosis or a stunning upset. Disaster can strike us all.

Jim’s ambition had been to become a professional football player. At 17, his vision loss would take that off the table. In addition to no more football – or scholarship to ORU – he faced giving up driving and being able to read.

Principle: Instead of Focusing on What You Can’t Do, Focus on What You Can

In response to the devastating news, Jim Stovall’s focus turned from football to weightlifting, and a determination to finish his degree at Oral Roberts University. He found a tutor to help him see what he could no longer read.

Principle: Sometimes in the dark you find the brightest light

Crystal, Jim’s tutor, eventually became his wife. You never know when you’re in a dark place, something --or someone-- may appear. And your life is changed forever.

Principle: You Have to Face The Reality of Loss

Jim prepared; he compensated; perhaps he thought he was ready to deal with going blind. However, he discovered that loss is able to sucker-punch you, no matter what you do. Perhaps you’ve found that to be true in your own life because loss comes in all forms.

The dreaded day arrived. Stovall writes “I remember waking up one morning, and I stepped into the bathroom and turned on the bright light and looked in the mirror and I couldn’t see anything…. The light, the mirror, nothing. And I realized, that’s it. I have now reached the bottom of this. And I went into this little 9x12 room at the back of my house. I fully intended never to walk out of that room again.”

Stovall said in that room he lost more than his sight. “Sight is a precious thing, but compared to vision, it’s really nothing, because people perish for lack of vision. People can live well without sight.” His struggle and frustration, and the fear of leaving that known-and-safe place was more than he could have imagined.

Principle: Recognize When “This” Is Not Living

Then one day he realized:“This isn’t living. This is only existing. I’m not going to lose any more of my sight, but if I continue to sit here, I’m going to lose my life.”

As Stovall stated, “As soon as the fear of not trying gets to be bigger than the fear of failing, we move.” That day he walked 52 feet to the mailbox. And that day began Stovall’s life purpose.

“One afternoon, I put on this old movie that I had enjoyed while I could see. I thought I’d just listen and follow along. But then, somebody shot somebody, and somebody screamed, and a car sped away and I forgot what happened and I got really frustrated.

I thought, “somebody ought to do something.”

So, Jim Stovall developed narrative TV. TV shows and movies now have an extra soundtrack, making them accessible to 13 million blind and visually impaired people all across the United States and millions more around the world. That stunning success led to Stovall’s speaking and writing career.

Principle: Pursue Things That Are Bigger Than You.

In his book, “You Doo’t Have To Be Blind To See,” Stovall shares what he learned from his experience, and how, regardless of circumstances, we can still fulfill our destinies.

Because Jim Stovall discovered these principles and put them into action, his story of despair evolved into the one which inspired me today.

I hope you’ll also be motivated to be all you’re meant to be — You just have to walk 52 Feet To The Mailbox

How To Deal With Negative Thoughts

How To Deal With Negative Thoughts

First, how do thoughts cause pain? Here’s a few ways:

a. Stress – covid year, loss, no touch

b. Negative beliefs – I’m not good enough, etc.

c. Fear from negative assumptions – the dreaded “what-if’s”

d. Messages from the past – Who told you you’d never make it? Where did you hear, “You’re too sensitive,” etc.

Secondly, and more importantly, how do we deal with them?

What doesn’t work

Trying to ignore them, or push them down. We even try to get real stern and command them to go away. “Stop thinking that way right now!!!!” The problem is, those thoughts can come back stronger, especially when we’re stressed

What works?

Remember that just taking something away is not the key, because nature abhors a vacuum, and negative thoughts just love to come rushing back.

Here’s three steps to deal with negative thoughts:

1. Stop – Get distracted; get physical

2. Replace – What positive thing can you think of instead? (Hint – reading from your gratitude journal)

3. Repeat – Our brain creates neural pathways from repetition, so building a new path, so to speak, requires repeated attention and consistency.

To permanently get rid of those pesky negative thoughts, you need to change your values and beliefs around them. For example, in your family, you may have been taught: “Being proud of yourself is wrong.” “Taking care of others is more important than taking care of yourself.”

And the underlying belief is: “This is how you show love.” “This is the correct way to think, act, believe.” These then become values, beliefs you assimilate. No wonder it’s so hard to change those types of negative thoughts!

Here’s some things to keep in mind when you desire change:

1. You may need counseling/therapy

2. It may feel “wrong”

3. You will probably need to set some boundaries

Aaahh, but then, when you’ve successfully challenged and changed negative thoughts, here’s the next step:

Celebrate!

The best revenge — when you succeed after “they” said you couldn’t do it. There’s an old saying that goes: “The best revenge is a life well lived.”

My husband is a great example. Jerry worked for a terrible boss who kept telling him he was dumb, stupid and ignorant. But Jerry got help; he took action and he now enjoys knowing he’s very smart, talented and he’s also free!

For most of us, life is about change, about growth; it’s about pain and loss and falling off the horse, if only to see if we can get back up again. And when we do, when we climb back up on that horse after being thrown, we’re not the same person who let a horse throw him off.

So keep after those negative thoughts – don’t let any falls keep you from climbing back up and becoming a better person.

Don't Let Your Past Sabotage Your Future

  DON’T LET YOUR PAST SABOTAGE YOUR FUTURE    

 “FOR ANYONE WHO MAY NOT KNOW, THE BEST WAY TO MAKE “HARD BOILED” EGGS IS IN THE OVEN!  PLACE THE EGGS IN A MUFFIN TIN SO THEY DON’T MOVE AROUND, PUT IN 325 DEGREE OVEN FOR 25-30 MINUTES AND REMOVE.  NOT ONLY ARE THEY TASTIER, BUT THEY ALSO ARE MUCH EASIER TO PEEL.”

Well, I saw this posted on Facebook one day and thought I should try it.   However, when I mentioned it to my husband, he laughingly reminded me of the “egg disaster in Houston” and cautioned me about trying this new way – we might wind up having to get a new oven if those eggs blew up! 

Here’s what happened:   We lived in Houston and were going to see Ray Charles live in concert.  Before we left, I planned to put on some eggs to boil, then turn off the heat, leaving the lid on.  It was supposed to be better than boiling them for 6-8 minutes.  Quick and easy, right?  Off we headed for the concert venue an hour away.  It was great!  We were in a theater-in-the-round and had great seats to enjoy the music and the musician. 

We were stuck in the parking lot after the concert when a terrible thought hit me – I was pretty sure I hadn’t turned the heat off under the eggs.   Oh no!  What if our townhome caught on fire?  What if we came back to the sight of fire trucks in front of our place? 

We spent a miserable hour before we finally arrived, opened the door and were assaulted by a horrifying sulfur smell!   Sure enough, I hadn’t turned the stove off; sure enough the eggs boiled dry, burnt the pan, eggs exploded all over the ceiling and the walls, and it was a wonder the place hadn’t totally been set ablaze after so many hours.

That’s the backdrop for the “egg disaster in Houston.”  It was bad, it was smelly, it took days to clean up, and it stayed in the “bad/stupid things you did” part of my brain.  If I hadn’t forgiven myself and redefined my “you mess-up all the time” identity, I would still be sabotaging any ideas of trying something new.

I’ve talked with clients who have struggled to change, who have to deal with past memories and messages saying, “you can’t do it.  You’ll just mess it up.”  One gal really struggled as a teenager and young adult, started drinking and using drugs and had an illegitimate child.  Her family bailed her out, and she began the slow, hard road to recovery.  When she started seeing me for counseling, she had started medication for her mental health disorder, had been clean and sober for several years and now had a job and was caring for her child. 

However, now she’s faced with “remember the egg disaster” mentality in her own mind and sadly, in the statements from her family who still don’t expect her to succeed.  And every time she forgets something, every time she flubs up, she feels once again like a failure, and her family believes that too.  She’s stuck and fearful of trying to go back to school or get her own place.  She can’t get beyond the “you’re a failure” time in her past. 

But who among us hasn’t made mistakes?  Who among us hasn’t experienced our own disasters because of something we did or didn’t do?  Everyone.   We all have them because none of us are perfect, no, not one! 

  I think too often we allow memories of past failures and mistakes keep us from trying something new, something that will catapult us into the next level of success.  We let our past sabotage our future.   

For me – it was worth it to hard boil the eggs in the oven.   Sure enough, that Facebook post was true – the eggs peeled easily; they tasted better and I’m so glad I just laughed about my former egg disaster and tried a new thing. 

I encourage you to do the same; don’t let your previous mistakes keep you from stepping out and trying something new.  I remember struggling with borrowing money to go to graduate school; that cost a lot of money, and I was still dealing with feelings of inadequacy – was I really worth thousands of dollars?  With a few words of encouragement from my husband, (“You need to poop or get off the pot” lol) and a determination to become a counselor, that dream became a reality.

And yours can become a reality too – you may need to get over that nagging, negative Nancy who says you can’t do it; you may need a little help from your friends; you may need to see a counselor.  Whatever you need to do, try a new recipe for your life.   

I think you’ll find difficulties peel away easier, success will taste sweet in your mouth, and you’ll wonder why you didn’t do it sooner