Secrets are no fun

🤫 You know what they say about secrets – they’re no fun. 🤫

Picture this: It's the dead of night, and the phone shatters the silence. My heart races. It's my 68-year-old mother, her voice trembling with urgency. She has a secret to reveal, convinced that her time is running out.

What unfolded in those early morning hours unlocked a door to my past, shedding light on my upbringing and my relationship with my father. The patterns woven into my life by that revelation ultimately led me to penning my first book, "Yes! I Said No!"

Curious to hear more? I recently had the pleasure of chatting with Ginger Monceaux on her podcast, "The Midlife Empress." In our candid conversation, we delved into the profound impact of secrets and trauma on our present lives, the lifesaving role of counseling and coaching, the myth of people-pleasing as a spiritual gift, and the fascinating insights from understanding brain chemistry in fostering healthy relationships.

🎧 Tune in to the episode using the link below. After listening, drop a comment or leave a review. And don't forget to share the wisdom with your circle. Let's start a ripple of empowerment and growth together! 🌊

[Link to the podcast episode: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/secrets-are-no-fun-a-deep-dive-with-barbra-russell/id1705941089?i=1000654807687]

I'm all ears for your thoughts and reflections. Let's keep the conversation flowing! 💬 - Barbra

How Adding This One Word To Your Vocabulary Can Change Your Life

I’ve spent thousands of counseling hours working with many people who want to say “no,” who need to say “no,” but who say “yes” anyway.

One client was abused as a young child and when she told her mom, she was instructed to keep silent so as not to shame the family. Over the years she felt insecure and ashamed; her biggest challenge became speaking up for herself.

Another client is a husband, a father, a manager at work, coach of his son’s soccer team, volunteer at his church and on call 24/7 as a community fireman. While he enjoyed each aspect of his involvement, he was beginning to feel frustrated and unappreciated. He needed to learn to say “no.”

A third client loved all her large family but as the oldest, she took care of her siblings because mom was an alcoholic and dad was gone. She learned to please everyone because “if people like you, you feel accepted.” Rejection and trust issues led to resentment and bitterness. “Why me?”

These clients are not alone; I too yearned to be accepted and became a parent-pleaser who morphed into people pleasing as a way of life.

I was mortified when my home economics teacher announced to the entire class: “This is terrible stitching; Barbra has shown us the wrong way to sew.” And years later, when my boss asked my opinion, my face burned red and my throat closed down for fear I’d say the wrong thing.

Yes, I was with those who “hang onto known misery rather than reach out for unknown happiness.” Speaking up, being different, or saying no was way too scary.

Yet I, along with these clients, am living a different life because I learned to set boundaries.

Now I want to help others experience the confidence and freedom which comes when you declare, “Yes! I Said No!”

As most of you know, six years ago I wrote a book by the same name which, I’m happy to report, has helped so many. Here’s a few testimonials I’m sharing because I’d like you to help me spread the word about the new hardback edition of Yes! I Said No!

“Barbra Russell, what you said resonated with me! Thank you. You described me. I became a people pleaser to survive in the abusive relationship I was in. It’s taken me over a decade to come back from that and finally say no. It’s only been recently that I recognized that I was still shutting down emotionally and using that learned behavior even though I wasn’t physically living there. I still have to deal with my son’s father because of my son, but I have learned to stand up for myself with him for my son.”

“Thank you, Barbra. I was just reviewing your video and love what you share about boundaries. You are very relatable and you speak from the heart. You share transparently about how boundaries used to be hard for you AND THEN GIVE US TOOLS to set better ones for ourselves. Just brilliant!”

“Barbra’s book Yes! I Said No! truly changed my life. Coming from an Amish background, I was well equipped to meekly obey and always say yes, but it did not bring peace to me or my relationships. Barbra’s book and workbook are thin, easy to read, easy to remember, and the uncomplicated tools made navigating relationships so much easier.”

There are three questions on the YISN book jacket:

o Is it hard to find time for yourself?

o Do you often ignore what you want, and focus instead on what others want?

o Do you find it difficult to speak up for yourself?

Ask some of my clients who’ve answered yes to all these questions and as a result have been silent most of their lives. They couldn’t handle conflict, and felt they had no choice but to be people-pleasers. “Boundaries” was a foreign word. No longer. Now “freedom” is their favorite feeling, and “boundaries” a familiar concept.

Check out this dust jacket with the new picture and classy look – (thanks Meg Delagrange Belfon). Yes! I Said No! is now available through Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Walmart, Books-A-Million and other places around the world! My dream of this book affecting thousands of people is coming to pass! The first edition has been out for over 6 years and people are still ordering it –from as far away as the UK and Canada. Here’s some of what you’ll find in YISN:

o Why Is It So Hard to Say No?

o People Pleasing is not a Spiritual Gift

o How to Care Without Carrying People

o How to Say No without blowing up, running away or wimping out (shutting down.)

You’ll find useful concepts to set healthy boundaries. There's also practical tips to increase your self-esteem like:

o The Power of Deciding

o To be successful, invest in yourself,

o How to develop thick, armor-plated skin.

I love the testimonies I’ve received about people’s lives changing because of this book. People have said: “I’m standing up for myself now at work, at home and in relationships.” “I feel so much more confident and I actually know how to set boundaries. Before, I was always afraid I’d be thought of as rude, selfish or mean.” “I started to say “no” and I’ve grown as a result.”

Now I’d like your help to spread the word. Do you know someone in another city, or state, or another country? Please share this information with them. I’d like for Yes! I Said No! to become the new bible for boundaries. I want people to say no when they need to so they can say yes when they want to.

Will you help me out? Please share with others; buy a book and read it; buy another and send it. “No” is a word you need to add to your vocabulary.

Below are links to some of the places you can order the new hardcover edition of Yes! I Said No!

Amazon:

https://amzn.to/45pTgAw

Barnes and Noble:

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/yes-i-said-no-barbra-e-russell/1134184980?ean=9780998077994

Walmart:

https://www.walmart.com/ip/Yes-I-Said-No-How-to-Set-Healthy-Boundaries-and-Increase-Your-Self-Esteem-Edition-3-Hardcover-9780998077994/2777803465?from=/search

Books-a-million:

https://www.booksamillion.com/p/Yes-Said-No/Barbra-E-Russell/9780998077994?id=8896562918651

Do you know someone who struggles with setting boundaries? Please share this blog with them.

Is There Too Much On Your Plate?

How do you tell someone your plate is full? There’s never been a better time to learn what to say, or how to deal with this or other issues in your life. Counseling can help. However, you may have some reservations like this woman I talked to recently.

She said: “I’d like to get some counseling, but……”. I knew what she was thinking:

1. “I can’t afford it.”

2. “I have a hard time asking for help.”

3. “I'm not sure I have the time.”

These are common concerns; however, if you want things to change, you really can’t afford NOT to talk to a counselor.

THE BOTTOM LINE: YOU INVEST IN YOURSELF WHEN YOU SEEK COUNSELING

Here’s something to help you make that decision.

People have recently asked if I offer package deals, and In these stressful times, it only makes sense.

Effective March 1, I am offering three different counseling packages which will save you money and start the process of investing in you – your personal growth, and your start to a different, better life.

Hear what some previous clients have to say:

“God used you in miraculous ways to help me find a new normal! You gave me the courage to push through when I wanted to give up and you kept peeling back the layers until I was able to just say no and have no guilt. I still say to myself in situations: what would Barbra say! Thank you for being you and all that God designed you to be! Love you always!”

“My sessions with you have helped me stop fighting with my adult daughter and now our relationship is so much better. Thank you, Barbra”

“You helped me recognize I had a mental health disorder and working with you has been the biggest blessing of my life! It has made such a world of difference; you’re an absolutely amazing therapist.”

Here’s the good deal

Cost for Counseling: Per Good Therapy: in most areas of the country, a person can expect to pay $100-$250 per session.

My current therapy fee is $100 per hourly session. With a choice of these three different package deals, you can save from $50 to $250.

Package Cost

PACKAGE ONE: Three-sessions $300 value: $250

PACKAGE TWO: Six sessions $600 value: $500

PACKAGE THREE: Twelve sessions $1200 value: $950

Research has shown common benefits of counseling such as:

1. Improved communication and interpersonal skills

2. Greater self-acceptance and self-esteem

3. Ability to change self-defeating behavioral habits

4. Better expression and management of emotions, including anger

5. Relief from depression, anxiety or other mental health conditions.

Take advantage of one of these packages or purchase a gift certificate for someone else by contacting me today. Confidential sessions are available online wherever you are located. Call 720-263-6257 or send me an email at: barb@barbrarussell.com

I’d love to hear from you, Barbra

p.s. I also offer individual and group classes based on my book, Yes! I Said No!

In these classes I help people learn how to set healthy boundaries. Because, let’s face it, many people try to do everything and please everyone. Men and women interested in growth hire me to help kick the habit of saying yes when they need to say no.

“With Barbra’s book, almost all my relationships have improved. (A scant few of them I walked away from completely because the relationship did not bring peace) And that’s a really big deal to me because relationships were a mystery to me. It’s all fun and games at the start but what if one of you steps into the weeds? I didn’t want to just cut people from my life. I wanted to know the secret to walking with them without inadvertently being drawn into worthless drama and becoming exhausted.”

Contact me today

720-263-6257

barb@barbrarussell.com

Nosy People - How Do You Handle Them?

It’s holiday time – families gather around tables, or you’re with coworkers at the annual Christmas party.

The scene sounds like an idyllic picture, right? But if you’re the one captured by well-meaning but nosy people, you can feel like you’re trapped in a prison cell,.

“When are you going to have kids?” “Are you ever going to get married?” “What kind of job is that?” “How much money do you make?” The list can go on and on.

How do you, an adult with your own life, respond? Most of us don’t want to be rude in return, we want to be polite, but we just don’t want to answer such questions. We figure, “It’s my life; it’s none of your business.” Actually, it's becoming more common to be child-free. A Forbes October 2022 article stated a significant portion (44%) of non-parents aged 18 to 49 years old say it's unlikely they will have children.

A reporter recently asked me to help her with a story she was writing on being child-free. Her question: “how do you handle or shut down the sometimes intrusive and prying questions women get over the holidays from friends and family?”

I gave her some tips, some of which are taken from my book, Yes! I Said No! How To Set Healthy Boundaries and Increase Your Self Esteem. You can change the wording to reflect any situation you might encounter.

Five tips:

1. Prepare ahead of time. When you're caught by surprise, you may stumble, stutter or make little sense.

2. Don't be defensive, feeling you must justify your being child-free.

3. Don't explain - keep your answers short and sweet

4. Use the broken-record technique - if they keep pushing, repeat your chosen phrase.

5. After your response, follow-up with a question - How about you? Do you have kids? How old are they? Or other questions about hobbies, travel or the latest movie they've seen.

Specific phrases you can choose and practice; again, I’ve written them with a “child-free focus.”.

• I don't know whether I'll (we'll) have children or not. I'm taking my time to think about it, and I'm happy with that decision.

• I've (We've) decided not to have children.

• Dolly Parton said: "Since I had no kids and my husband was pretty independent, I had the freedom to achieve my dream of becoming a country star." You can say something similar.

• We want kids someday, but it's not in our plans right now.

Worst-case scenarios to the rude and pushy person who won't let it go:

• I know you mean well, but this is a personal decision.

• Oh, why were you wondering? (use humor). You need more kids for the baseball team?

This year don’t dread the holidays. Experience the freedom that comes with setting boundaries.

I