Secrets are no fun

🤫 You know what they say about secrets – they’re no fun. 🤫

Picture this: It's the dead of night, and the phone shatters the silence. My heart races. It's my 68-year-old mother, her voice trembling with urgency. She has a secret to reveal, convinced that her time is running out.

What unfolded in those early morning hours unlocked a door to my past, shedding light on my upbringing and my relationship with my father. The patterns woven into my life by that revelation ultimately led me to penning my first book, "Yes! I Said No!"

Curious to hear more? I recently had the pleasure of chatting with Ginger Monceaux on her podcast, "The Midlife Empress." In our candid conversation, we delved into the profound impact of secrets and trauma on our present lives, the lifesaving role of counseling and coaching, the myth of people-pleasing as a spiritual gift, and the fascinating insights from understanding brain chemistry in fostering healthy relationships.

🎧 Tune in to the episode using the link below. After listening, drop a comment or leave a review. And don't forget to share the wisdom with your circle. Let's start a ripple of empowerment and growth together! 🌊

[Link to the podcast episode: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/secrets-are-no-fun-a-deep-dive-with-barbra-russell/id1705941089?i=1000654807687]

I'm all ears for your thoughts and reflections. Let's keep the conversation flowing! 💬 - Barbra

Blue Zones - Is It Possible to Live to Be 100+ AND be vibrant and alive?

Is It Possible to live to be 100+ AND be vibrant and alive? Do Blue Zones have the answer?

Ikaria, Greece: Forget to Die

A man from Ikaria (A Blue Zone island off the coast of Greece)) came to the U.S. for a better life. At age 66 he was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and given six months to live. He returned home, to Ikaria, and prepared to die. While waiting, he planted vineyards, drank the wine and breathed the sea air.

Thirty-five years later, at 102, he quipped, "Guess I just forgot to die." What happened? What was the secret? He changed his environment. It seems enjoying life, and staying purposeful can be a key to vitality.

What Are Blue Zones Anyway?

In our fast-paced world, the dream of living a vibrant and active life beyond 100 may seem like a distant reality. However, the residents of Blue Zones, areas identified for the remarkable longevity of their inhabitants, hold valuable lessons on how to not just live but thrive in triple digits.

The Blue Zone designation comes from a researching physician’s habit of placing blue dots on a map where lots of people were living to be 100. The clusters of dots became a “Blue Zone.”

What can we learn from these areas?

Okinawa, Japan: The Recipe for Longevity

Okinawa boasts a high number of centenarians who attribute their longevity to a unique blend of lifestyle factors. Their diet, comprising 67% sweet potatoes, tofu, and low-calorie stir-fries, emphasizes mindful eating and stopping at 80% fullness. Regular physical activity, community engagement, and laughter are vital components. One 100-year old woman shared her secret: “Don’t be angry. Always have fun with everyone. Be easy going, not let things upset you and forgive quickly.” (I thought she’d immediately recommend rice and seaweed!) lol

There is also an emphasis on community which contrasts the loneliness epidemic in the U.S., where research has shown lack of community can cost 15 years of life.

Sardinia, Italy: Mountains, Minestrone, and Movement

Sardinia's mountainous terrain, simple carbs like sourdough bread, and a diet rich in greens, beans, and whole grains contribute to the longevity of its residents. Daily walks up and down hills, coupled with energy expenditure, stand in stark contrast to the sedentary lifestyle prevalent in the U.S., a major contributor to diabetes and heart disease.

Stress Control: The Shepherd's Way

Shepherds in the Blue Zones, especially in Sardinia, showcase a stress-resistant lifestyle.

The impact of acute stress on inflammation and glucose levels underscores the importance of managing stress for overall health. The ability to actively cope, especially by focusing on issues within one's control, is a crucial aspect of mental health, cognitive longevity, and stress resilience. Today, in the world of constant news and social media, we are brought the problems of the whole world. We can’t solve them, so we worry, complain and talk about them – ad nauseum!

But the shepherd in Sardinia can control how he treats his sheep to make sure the flock is healthy. Likewise, this active coping where you can resolve problems you are given is a very important part of mental health, cognitive longevity and stress resilience.

I wondered, “Is there any hope for the US? Are there any Blue Zones here?” Thankfully, while we are seeing occasional instances of people living to the ripe old age of 100, there is a city in America selected as a Blue Zone area.

Loma Linda, California: The Adventist Approach

The Seventh-Day Adventists in Loma Linda, California, have embraced a lifestyle that includes regular physical activities, a plant-based diet, and a day of rest on Saturday. The emphasis on community, volunteering, and religious faith plays a significant role in their longevity.

Eldercare and Community Support

In these longevity hotspots, elders are not isolated but actively engaged in their communities. Family and community provide a support system, tapping into the wisdom of the elderly and ensuring better care. The contrast with the often-isolated lives of elders in the U.S. is striking.

The Things that make us live a long, healthy life are the things that make life worth living.

In conclusion, the Blue Zones offer a roadmap to a centenarian's lifestyle—a life rich in community, purpose, and simplicity. While genetics play a role, the choices we make in our daily lives regarding diet, stress management, and social connections can significantly impact our journey toward a vibrant and fulfilling century of life. So, perhaps, the secret to a long and joyful life is not just in the genes but in the everyday choices we make.

Source – Netflix special Blue Zones Living To Be 100- Journalist Dan Buttner

How Adding This One Word To Your Vocabulary Can Change Your Life

I’ve spent thousands of counseling hours working with many people who want to say “no,” who need to say “no,” but who say “yes” anyway.

One client was abused as a young child and when she told her mom, she was instructed to keep silent so as not to shame the family. Over the years she felt insecure and ashamed; her biggest challenge became speaking up for herself.

Another client is a husband, a father, a manager at work, coach of his son’s soccer team, volunteer at his church and on call 24/7 as a community fireman. While he enjoyed each aspect of his involvement, he was beginning to feel frustrated and unappreciated. He needed to learn to say “no.”

A third client loved all her large family but as the oldest, she took care of her siblings because mom was an alcoholic and dad was gone. She learned to please everyone because “if people like you, you feel accepted.” Rejection and trust issues led to resentment and bitterness. “Why me?”

These clients are not alone; I too yearned to be accepted and became a parent-pleaser who morphed into people pleasing as a way of life.

I was mortified when my home economics teacher announced to the entire class: “This is terrible stitching; Barbra has shown us the wrong way to sew.” And years later, when my boss asked my opinion, my face burned red and my throat closed down for fear I’d say the wrong thing.

Yes, I was with those who “hang onto known misery rather than reach out for unknown happiness.” Speaking up, being different, or saying no was way too scary.

Yet I, along with these clients, am living a different life because I learned to set boundaries.

Now I want to help others experience the confidence and freedom which comes when you declare, “Yes! I Said No!”

As most of you know, six years ago I wrote a book by the same name which, I’m happy to report, has helped so many. Here’s a few testimonials I’m sharing because I’d like you to help me spread the word about the new hardback edition of Yes! I Said No!

“Barbra Russell, what you said resonated with me! Thank you. You described me. I became a people pleaser to survive in the abusive relationship I was in. It’s taken me over a decade to come back from that and finally say no. It’s only been recently that I recognized that I was still shutting down emotionally and using that learned behavior even though I wasn’t physically living there. I still have to deal with my son’s father because of my son, but I have learned to stand up for myself with him for my son.”

“Thank you, Barbra. I was just reviewing your video and love what you share about boundaries. You are very relatable and you speak from the heart. You share transparently about how boundaries used to be hard for you AND THEN GIVE US TOOLS to set better ones for ourselves. Just brilliant!”

“Barbra’s book Yes! I Said No! truly changed my life. Coming from an Amish background, I was well equipped to meekly obey and always say yes, but it did not bring peace to me or my relationships. Barbra’s book and workbook are thin, easy to read, easy to remember, and the uncomplicated tools made navigating relationships so much easier.”

There are three questions on the YISN book jacket:

o Is it hard to find time for yourself?

o Do you often ignore what you want, and focus instead on what others want?

o Do you find it difficult to speak up for yourself?

Ask some of my clients who’ve answered yes to all these questions and as a result have been silent most of their lives. They couldn’t handle conflict, and felt they had no choice but to be people-pleasers. “Boundaries” was a foreign word. No longer. Now “freedom” is their favorite feeling, and “boundaries” a familiar concept.

Check out this dust jacket with the new picture and classy look – (thanks Meg Delagrange Belfon). Yes! I Said No! is now available through Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Walmart, Books-A-Million and other places around the world! My dream of this book affecting thousands of people is coming to pass! The first edition has been out for over 6 years and people are still ordering it –from as far away as the UK and Canada. Here’s some of what you’ll find in YISN:

o Why Is It So Hard to Say No?

o People Pleasing is not a Spiritual Gift

o How to Care Without Carrying People

o How to Say No without blowing up, running away or wimping out (shutting down.)

You’ll find useful concepts to set healthy boundaries. There's also practical tips to increase your self-esteem like:

o The Power of Deciding

o To be successful, invest in yourself,

o How to develop thick, armor-plated skin.

I love the testimonies I’ve received about people’s lives changing because of this book. People have said: “I’m standing up for myself now at work, at home and in relationships.” “I feel so much more confident and I actually know how to set boundaries. Before, I was always afraid I’d be thought of as rude, selfish or mean.” “I started to say “no” and I’ve grown as a result.”

Now I’d like your help to spread the word. Do you know someone in another city, or state, or another country? Please share this information with them. I’d like for Yes! I Said No! to become the new bible for boundaries. I want people to say no when they need to so they can say yes when they want to.

Will you help me out? Please share with others; buy a book and read it; buy another and send it. “No” is a word you need to add to your vocabulary.

Below are links to some of the places you can order the new hardcover edition of Yes! I Said No!

Amazon:

https://amzn.to/45pTgAw

Barnes and Noble:

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/yes-i-said-no-barbra-e-russell/1134184980?ean=9780998077994

Walmart:

https://www.walmart.com/ip/Yes-I-Said-No-How-to-Set-Healthy-Boundaries-and-Increase-Your-Self-Esteem-Edition-3-Hardcover-9780998077994/2777803465?from=/search

Books-a-million:

https://www.booksamillion.com/p/Yes-Said-No/Barbra-E-Russell/9780998077994?id=8896562918651

Do you know someone who struggles with setting boundaries? Please share this blog with them.

A Thursday Miracle

A Thursday Miracle

It was a Thursday when the miracle happened.

We had been thinking about moving back to Colorado and in May we decided to put our house in Oklahoma on the market. We received an offer the next day.

We were going to Colorado to be with friends the following week, so we decided to look for a place while we were there.

The first day of house hunting we found our dream home. It had vaulted ceilings, an open-floor plan design and, most importantly, a view of the mountains! Yes, this was the place for us.

God helped us sell the place in Oklahoma, right? So this was surely His will. We submitted an offer. We took lots of pictures, shared our exciting news with family and waited to hear if this would be our new Colorado home.

Finally the next day our realtor called. “Guys, I’m afraid I have some bad news. They accepted another offer.” We were disappointed, of course, but rallied to say, “well then, God must have something better for us” and drove back to Oklahoma. Houseless.

For two weeks though, I couldn’t get that place out of my mind. I kept looking at the pictures and felt this was supposed to be our house. I had tried to accept defeat graciously, but guys, I’m just not that kind of person!

Then came the Thursday morning when God and I had a talk. “God, you know we really wanted that house. Now, if you have something better for us, show us. But…. What I’d really like is for something to happen to that other contract. OK, God?”

Thursday afternoon, Rich Kolosso, our realtor, called. “Guess what? The other people backed out of their contract. Their agent wants to know if you’re still interested in the house.”

Were we interested? You bet! God answered my prayer that very day – a Thursday miracle!

It’s June; I’m in my office in our new home, looking out the window and I gratefully say, “Thank you God. I feel so loved.” And I’ll never forget that day – Thursday, the day a miracle happened.

Purple Nails and The Rules of Communication

Purple Nails and The Rules of Communication

Recently I went to a nail salon to get a mani/pedi, one of my favorite forms of self-care!

I didn’t want purple nails; in fact, I was quite clear when I made the appointment. "I want light pink nails with white French tips” I instructed, just like I’d gotten for years. I wanted dark red on my toes, but not on my fingernails, oh no.

And yet, how did it happen that I walked out of the shop with these purple nails?

As the famous line from “Cool Hand Luke” says: “What we have here is a failure to communicate.” What happened? Where was the failure to communicate?

After thinking about it, I realized miscommunication happens in every-day interactions with others; therefore I came up with some guidelines to keep you and me out of trouble.

The Purple Nails Rules of Communication

There Are“Do’s” and "Don'ts"

Do Speak Up; Ask Questions

When you speak up, be sure not to accuse – Imagine the fight that could start with: “OMG, don’t you ever listen? I told you….” A great question to ask: “What did you mean by that?” **. (See blog by that name in Stories From the Couch on my web site.

Take responsibility

. “I told the receptionist that I wanted light pink with French tips, but I didn’t tell you."

In fact, the misunderstanding in the nail salon came from two short sentences:

Manicurist: “You want the same color?”

Me: “Yes.”

I wanted the same light pink/French tips and I thought she was confirming that. I figured out later she was asking if I wanted the same deep color on my fingernails that I had chosen for my toenails. And I said “yes.” That's where the trouble began.

The mani/pedi began; I relaxed. I wasn’t really paying attention; my eyes were closed and I was enjoying being pampered.

I opened my eyes, and my nails were purple! Oh no! Not what I wanted; not what I said! Next lesson:

Pay Attention; Be Fully Present

Couples, friends or work partners often don’t pay attention until it’s too late. Maybe they’re relaxing; maybe they’re focused on something else. It pays to pay attention!  It certainly would have helped me that day.

Listen To Hear; Listen to Understand –

The best way to truly understand what someone is saying is to repeat, “What I heard you say was….. (summarizing their statement).”

Decide You’d Rather Be Happy Than Right

How often do people fight because they feel compelled to prove they’re right? Well, as the question goes: Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized being right’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Another thing you learn with age is this: worry about what you can control. If you can’t control it, let it go. And folks, we can’t control anybody else. As a counselor, I see people trying to control others through communication; it’s not worth it.

“Don’ts” of Communication

Don’t Make Assumptions.

I assumed because I requested French tip nails when checking in, that direction would be passed on to my manicurist. Mistake. Big mistake. Never make assumptions. Examples: “I’d say something to you, but you’ll just jump down my throat if it’s not done perfectly.” “We talked about this the other day and you just conveniently forgot, I see.”

Don’t Make Up a Story about Misunderstandings

When you get right down to it, most communication failures are due to misunderstandings. And when you add a motive, one you’ve decided is there, it’s no wonder people can’t talk to each other!

Examples: “She’s mad at me.” “I just knew when I didn’t get right back to him, that he’d think of some way to get back at me.” “She doesn’t like me and decided to paint my nails purple just to spite me.”

Don’t Keep a Silent Tab

“Every single time I try to talk to you, you get mad.” “All month long you’ve ignored everything I’ve tried to tell you.” “You never listen.”

Silent tabs can run up a huge bill!

What’s the Solution?

I had a decision to make. I could have told the manicurist to remove all that polish and give me what I wanted and what I thought I had very clearly requested. And that’s a good solution; things get cleared up all around. However, I decided to make another choice = I’d let it go, an option you can choose as well. I kept the purple nails.

Sometimes you let things go

Obviously, when it’s important, you say something. If you ALWAYS let things go, perhaps from fear of conflict, that often causes repressed anger. And repressed anger acts like a dormant volcano, ready to explode.

This time, I thought, “Oh well, I’ve never done this before; I’ll have purple nails and see what I think. Maybe I’ll feel like a young adventurous girl!!” I decided to let it go.

The Moral of the Story

If I want to avoid purple nails and if you want better communication, we need to follow the do’s and don’ts. Do speak up. Do ask questions. Do decide to let some things go. Do listen to really hear.

Don’t make assumptions. Don’t make up a story or add a motive. Don’t keep a silent tab.

Want a better marriage, friendship, work relationship?

Learn the Purple Nails’ Rules of Communication!

Note: See similar blogs such as "How To Have a Healthy Relationship," "What Did You Mean by that?" and "Negative Assumptions - They're Killers." Find them on my web site in Stories From the Couch on barbrarussell.com

Alice and the Three Decisions

Alice Herz-Sommer

Tony Robbins, in his book Life Force, tells the following story:

“I interviewed Alice Herz-Sommer when she was 107 years old – – nearly 70 years after the Nazis murdered her mother and put her and her son in a concentration camp. Alice was a famous concert pianist in Europe, and she was forced to play in the inmate orchestra. She was told that if she didn’t look happy, they would murder her son in front of her. The Nazis actually made films of her playing to try and convince the world that they were treating Jews well. But in real life, the conditions were beyond brutal. Alice slept on a frozen dirt floor and channeled all her energy into trying to keep her son happy, even though they had little to eat.”

Yet Alice refused to let pain become her story. She gave more than 100 concerts, and while she was forced to entertain the Nazis, something beautiful happened. The music echoed through the yard, into the barracks, where the prisoners who were sick and hungry were fed by the sounds.

In Alice’s words, “We had to play because the Red Cross came three times a year. The Germans wanted to show its representatives that the situation of the Jews in Theresienstadt was good. Whenever I knew that I had a concert, I was happy. We performed in the council hall before an audience of 150 old, hopeless, sick and hungry people. They lived for the music. It was like food to them. If they hadn't come [to hear us], they would have died long before. As we would have.”

By serving others, Alice did more than survive the Nazis. She found a way to appreciate and enjoy her existence.

Robbins goes on to say, “During our interview, I was struck by how everything was so beautiful to Alice. She was living on her own at 107, still swimming and playing the piano. People in the building would listen to her play, just as they had in the camps seven decades earlier.

“Alice was grateful for everything. She talked about how beautiful life is, and how grateful she was that her son made it through that time. How beautiful it was that she survived cancer at 80 and was now 107!”

This story reminds me of something else Tony shares in his book; that our lives are controlled – yes controlled - by three decisions:

• What we focus on

• The meaning we attach

• Action we will take

Decision number one: “What we decide to focus on.”

In her book “A garden of Eden in Hell: The life of Alice Hertz Sommer” Alice stated that optimism was the key to her life:

“I look at the good. When you are relaxed, your body is always relaxed. When you are pessimistic, your body behaves in an unnatural way. It is up to us whether we look at the good or the bad. When you are nice to others, they are nice to you. When you give, you receive.”

Whatever you focus on, you’re going to feel – – whether it’s true or not – – because focus equals feelings. If you focus on the worst-case scenario, you’re going to feel fearful and sick to your stomach. If you focus on the best case, you’re going to feel confident.

Decision number two: “What does this mean?”

As soon as our brain focuses on something, we give it meaning. And whether that meaning is positive or negative completely shapes our life.

“Whenever I knew that I had a concert,” Alice stated, “I was happy. Music is magic.” Obviously determined to make the most of a terrible situation, she attached positive meaning to her situation.

Only you can decide what meaning to give to challenges in your life. “Is God punishing me or is God challenging me?” “Will this make me miserable, or could this big problem be a gift, a chance to grow?”

Decision number three: what am I going to do?

The emotions that grow out of meaning powerfully affect what action we take.

When a major disappointment occurs, some people get depressed while others feel driven to change it. Alice Herz-Sommer survived the horrors of Theresienstadt concentration camp by taking action. She decided to play!

Herz-Sommer is a great example of living out these three principles:

1. What do you choose to focus on?

2. What meaning do you attach to events?

3. What action will you take?

Alice Herz-Sommer found a way to do more than survive; she found a way to appreciate and enjoy her existence. Will you?

What If....... You make routines, not resolutions this year?

It’s time to make New Year’s Resolutions!

Because that’s what people do, right? It’s January - Make resolutions.

Come February – those resolutions are generally ruined.

What if you did something different this year?

Make routines, not resolutions.

Here’s what that might look like:

Resolution: I’m going to lose 20#

Routine: Daily walking for 20-30 minutes

Resolution: I’m going to regularly do devotions

Routine: Read the Bible while I’m flossing my teeth

Resolution: Stop watching/listening to the news

Routine: TV only turned on once a day to something positive/enjoyable

Resolution: I’m taking better care of my mental health

Routine: Meet with a therapist every week

Resolution: I’m going to have a better relationship with my spouse/friend/child

Routine: Meet for coffee or lunch every Saturday

What happens? Those routines become tiny changes which bring about remarkable results.

James Clear, in his book “Atomic Habits” addresses this as well:

“You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.” – In other words, your routines are your systems. When you have a regular routine, you’ve started establishing a system.

“Every ACTION you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become.” The thought, the resolution, the intention is not enough. You must take action – start with a routine.

Here’s some tips:

1. Take small steps – The death of resolutions or any new routine is to

make it too general and too BIG!!

2. Tie your routine to something you already do; what James Clear calls “stacking habits.”

3. Know what works for you. As most of you know, when I decided to do regular stretching so I could walk without a limp, I tied that to an existing routine. I already got up, made coffee, read the paper, then went about my day. (See tip #2)

My new routine came with retraining my brain with a “reward”– “Barbra, you can read the paper and have a cup of coffee after you’ve stretched your leg.” I started with a few minutes (see tip #1)

Before long, it felt so good, I added more time and pretty soon, it’s a routine-- that became a system-- that became a part of my life.

What are your desires for this new year? The most common resolutions across the US revolve around a healthier body, a healthier mind and healthier finances.

What if……. You turned those resolutions into routines?

Happy New Year”s Routines 2022 from Barbra

The Very Thing You're Reluctant To Do.......

Thinking of You This Christmas


Hello from the Russell’s –2021 - A year of change for us.  

    At the beginning of the year, the Russell’s were firmly ensconced in our comfortable, safe place in Colorado where we’d lived and worked for 50 years.  
    Mid-year – July, to be exact, we were loading up and moving to Oklahoma, defying all my “I’ll never’s…..”

•    I’ll never move again – it’s too hard; we’re too old
•    I’ll never live in Oklahoma again – never liked it, never will
•    I’ll never find another home, hair stylist, or restaurant we love where everyone knows our name…….

But of course, you know the rest of the story – we are prime examples of the quote, “Never Say Never.”  We did all those things.   And glad we did.  Our new home state is refreshingly patriotic, Godly, and my family is near-by.   Good things have happened as we retired, moved, and started adjusting to our new life.

    How about you?  I know we're not the only ones who experienced some "stuff" in 2021. One thing I do know, however, it's always helpful to answer this question I saw posted on FB:  "Can we start a thread of good things that happened to you in 2021?  I don't care how small. Please."  

•     Here are some of the answers I saw:

      " Saw a dentist for the first time in 30 years
      * Got out of debt
      * My 85 year old mother is still with us
      * I was looking for a used fridge.  Instead found a used cat that had been abandoned in a parking lot.         
      I got up every day and was able to do whatever I wanted without fear or apprehension
      * I lived!  In spite of being accident prone! 
      * I turned 70 and I loved it.  Filling my bucket list.  Jumped out of a plane, zip lined, got 2 tattoos and more to do."
     Barbra’s response to this request:   "We moved to a place where I said I'd never go back. There my son found healing from a loooooooong and painful illness, my husband and I got healthier from some chronic conditions as well, and I learned for sure to "never say never". 
      And the lesson for us all: You never know when the very thing you're reluctant to do may turn out to be the very best for you.  
      No matter the year, no matter the circumstances, we're still here.   What good thing happened to you in 2021?  I'd love to hear it! 

With love, appreciation and true wishes for a great Christmas season, we say:
May your nights be starlit and your stockings filled with goodies chosen just for you.  And, most of all, may the baby in the manger and the Nativity Scene remind you that you are loved.  
Jerry, Barbra and Dane Russell 
Christmas, 2021

STRESSED! Who, Me?

STRESSED! WHO, ME?

Stressed? Who, Me? Yes, you. Stressed? Who, Me? Yes, me.

We all get stressed. And some of us STAY stressed.

But wait!! I have good news!! it gets better as you get older. Yep, the happiest people according to recent research are those ages 60-80.

There are several reasons:

• The older you are, the more self-assured and confident you are.

• Older people have better mental health

• Your life is likely more stable the older you get

• When you’re older, happiness means being content with what you have.

Let’s talk about these 4 points:

1. The older you get, the more self-assured and confident you are.

The search for identity is over

You’ve tried things, failed at some, succeeded in others and learned a lot. All that practice leads to self confidence (It’s why we give our kids chores – they hate them, but it helps them become confident in their abilities.).

Hopefully you, like me, have become a reformed people-pleaser. The practice of setting boundaries pays off.

2. Older people have better mental health

“Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we have made.” Bill Watterson. Older folks have survived enough calamities to learn that lesson.

This quote by Bill Keane is an adage people who’ve lived for several decades know and appreciate.

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.”

3. Your life is likely more stable the older you get.

Those awkward high school years and tumultuous 20’s are seen from the rearview window.

You’ve formed solid relationships – I well remember friends we’ve known for over 30 years

You’ve been successful at work and helped your children grow into responsible adults.

4. When you’re older, happiness means being content with what you have.

As Sheryl Crowe sang, “It’s not having what you want, it’s wanting what you have.”

Happiness is not reserved just for the older generation, however. Researchers describe the “happiness curve” as a U-shaped one, with happiness at a high in your 20’s, dips in middle age and shoots back up again in your 50-60’s to be enjoyed for many years to come.

Overall, the research is worth noting – especially given the fact that many people think aging is a negative more than a positive experience. Just a little something to keep in mind if you’re dreading the number of candles on your next birthday cake.

As Gertrude Stein famously said, “You look ridiculous if you dance. You look ridiculous if you don’t dance. So you might as well dance.”

Fifty-two Feet To The Mailbox

Fifty-two Feet To The Mailbox

Even though Jim Stovall’s eyesight had been diminishing for years, the real diagnosis came when he was 17. A medical specialist told him that he wasn’t sure why, and he didn’t know when but, beyond a shadow of a doubt, someday Stovall would completely lose his sight. Nothing could be done.

Now, for the “rest of the story” as famed radio commentator Paul Harvey used to say.

Jim Stovall is the author of several books including “You Don’t Have To Be Blind To See” and “The Ultimate Gift,”

He’s the founder and president of the Emmy Award-winning “Narrative Television Network.” He’s been a national champion weightlifter. He has a long list of accomplishments and awards – all made more impressive because Stovall is blind.

Let me tell you some of his story along with principles I found embedded in an article by Jane Jayroe Gamble:

Principle: Disaster Can Strike Us All

Disaster struck Jim Stovall at the age of 17. Whether young or old, we can be hit with a dreaded diagnosis or a stunning upset. Disaster can strike us all.

Jim’s ambition had been to become a professional football player. At 17, his vision loss would take that off the table. In addition to no more football – or scholarship to ORU – he faced giving up driving and being able to read.

Principle: Instead of Focusing on What You Can’t Do, Focus on What You Can

In response to the devastating news, Jim Stovall’s focus turned from football to weightlifting, and a determination to finish his degree at Oral Roberts University. He found a tutor to help him see what he could no longer read.

Principle: Sometimes in the dark you find the brightest light

Crystal, Jim’s tutor, eventually became his wife. You never know when you’re in a dark place, something --or someone-- may appear. And your life is changed forever.

Principle: You Have to Face The Reality of Loss

Jim prepared; he compensated; perhaps he thought he was ready to deal with going blind. However, he discovered that loss is able to sucker-punch you, no matter what you do. Perhaps you’ve found that to be true in your own life because loss comes in all forms.

The dreaded day arrived. Stovall writes “I remember waking up one morning, and I stepped into the bathroom and turned on the bright light and looked in the mirror and I couldn’t see anything…. The light, the mirror, nothing. And I realized, that’s it. I have now reached the bottom of this. And I went into this little 9x12 room at the back of my house. I fully intended never to walk out of that room again.”

Stovall said in that room he lost more than his sight. “Sight is a precious thing, but compared to vision, it’s really nothing, because people perish for lack of vision. People can live well without sight.” His struggle and frustration, and the fear of leaving that known-and-safe place was more than he could have imagined.

Principle: Recognize When “This” Is Not Living

Then one day he realized:“This isn’t living. This is only existing. I’m not going to lose any more of my sight, but if I continue to sit here, I’m going to lose my life.”

As Stovall stated, “As soon as the fear of not trying gets to be bigger than the fear of failing, we move.” That day he walked 52 feet to the mailbox. And that day began Stovall’s life purpose.

“One afternoon, I put on this old movie that I had enjoyed while I could see. I thought I’d just listen and follow along. But then, somebody shot somebody, and somebody screamed, and a car sped away and I forgot what happened and I got really frustrated.

I thought, “somebody ought to do something.”

So, Jim Stovall developed narrative TV. TV shows and movies now have an extra soundtrack, making them accessible to 13 million blind and visually impaired people all across the United States and millions more around the world. That stunning success led to Stovall’s speaking and writing career.

Principle: Pursue Things That Are Bigger Than You.

In his book, “You Doo’t Have To Be Blind To See,” Stovall shares what he learned from his experience, and how, regardless of circumstances, we can still fulfill our destinies.

Because Jim Stovall discovered these principles and put them into action, his story of despair evolved into the one which inspired me today.

I hope you’ll also be motivated to be all you’re meant to be — You just have to walk 52 Feet To The Mailbox

How To Deal With Negative Thoughts

How To Deal With Negative Thoughts

First, how do thoughts cause pain? Here’s a few ways:

a. Stress – covid year, loss, no touch

b. Negative beliefs – I’m not good enough, etc.

c. Fear from negative assumptions – the dreaded “what-if’s”

d. Messages from the past – Who told you you’d never make it? Where did you hear, “You’re too sensitive,” etc.

Secondly, and more importantly, how do we deal with them?

What doesn’t work

Trying to ignore them, or push them down. We even try to get real stern and command them to go away. “Stop thinking that way right now!!!!” The problem is, those thoughts can come back stronger, especially when we’re stressed

What works?

Remember that just taking something away is not the key, because nature abhors a vacuum, and negative thoughts just love to come rushing back.

Here’s three steps to deal with negative thoughts:

1. Stop – Get distracted; get physical

2. Replace – What positive thing can you think of instead? (Hint – reading from your gratitude journal)

3. Repeat – Our brain creates neural pathways from repetition, so building a new path, so to speak, requires repeated attention and consistency.

To permanently get rid of those pesky negative thoughts, you need to change your values and beliefs around them. For example, in your family, you may have been taught: “Being proud of yourself is wrong.” “Taking care of others is more important than taking care of yourself.”

And the underlying belief is: “This is how you show love.” “This is the correct way to think, act, believe.” These then become values, beliefs you assimilate. No wonder it’s so hard to change those types of negative thoughts!

Here’s some things to keep in mind when you desire change:

1. You may need counseling/therapy

2. It may feel “wrong”

3. You will probably need to set some boundaries

Aaahh, but then, when you’ve successfully challenged and changed negative thoughts, here’s the next step:

Celebrate!

The best revenge — when you succeed after “they” said you couldn’t do it. There’s an old saying that goes: “The best revenge is a life well lived.”

My husband is a great example. Jerry worked for a terrible boss who kept telling him he was dumb, stupid and ignorant. But Jerry got help; he took action and he now enjoys knowing he’s very smart, talented and he’s also free!

For most of us, life is about change, about growth; it’s about pain and loss and falling off the horse, if only to see if we can get back up again. And when we do, when we climb back up on that horse after being thrown, we’re not the same person who let a horse throw him off.

So keep after those negative thoughts – don’t let any falls keep you from climbing back up and becoming a better person.

Don't Let Your Past Sabotage Your Future

  DON’T LET YOUR PAST SABOTAGE YOUR FUTURE    

 “FOR ANYONE WHO MAY NOT KNOW, THE BEST WAY TO MAKE “HARD BOILED” EGGS IS IN THE OVEN!  PLACE THE EGGS IN A MUFFIN TIN SO THEY DON’T MOVE AROUND, PUT IN 325 DEGREE OVEN FOR 25-30 MINUTES AND REMOVE.  NOT ONLY ARE THEY TASTIER, BUT THEY ALSO ARE MUCH EASIER TO PEEL.”

Well, I saw this posted on Facebook one day and thought I should try it.   However, when I mentioned it to my husband, he laughingly reminded me of the “egg disaster in Houston” and cautioned me about trying this new way – we might wind up having to get a new oven if those eggs blew up! 

Here’s what happened:   We lived in Houston and were going to see Ray Charles live in concert.  Before we left, I planned to put on some eggs to boil, then turn off the heat, leaving the lid on.  It was supposed to be better than boiling them for 6-8 minutes.  Quick and easy, right?  Off we headed for the concert venue an hour away.  It was great!  We were in a theater-in-the-round and had great seats to enjoy the music and the musician. 

We were stuck in the parking lot after the concert when a terrible thought hit me – I was pretty sure I hadn’t turned the heat off under the eggs.   Oh no!  What if our townhome caught on fire?  What if we came back to the sight of fire trucks in front of our place? 

We spent a miserable hour before we finally arrived, opened the door and were assaulted by a horrifying sulfur smell!   Sure enough, I hadn’t turned the stove off; sure enough the eggs boiled dry, burnt the pan, eggs exploded all over the ceiling and the walls, and it was a wonder the place hadn’t totally been set ablaze after so many hours.

That’s the backdrop for the “egg disaster in Houston.”  It was bad, it was smelly, it took days to clean up, and it stayed in the “bad/stupid things you did” part of my brain.  If I hadn’t forgiven myself and redefined my “you mess-up all the time” identity, I would still be sabotaging any ideas of trying something new.

I’ve talked with clients who have struggled to change, who have to deal with past memories and messages saying, “you can’t do it.  You’ll just mess it up.”  One gal really struggled as a teenager and young adult, started drinking and using drugs and had an illegitimate child.  Her family bailed her out, and she began the slow, hard road to recovery.  When she started seeing me for counseling, she had started medication for her mental health disorder, had been clean and sober for several years and now had a job and was caring for her child. 

However, now she’s faced with “remember the egg disaster” mentality in her own mind and sadly, in the statements from her family who still don’t expect her to succeed.  And every time she forgets something, every time she flubs up, she feels once again like a failure, and her family believes that too.  She’s stuck and fearful of trying to go back to school or get her own place.  She can’t get beyond the “you’re a failure” time in her past. 

But who among us hasn’t made mistakes?  Who among us hasn’t experienced our own disasters because of something we did or didn’t do?  Everyone.   We all have them because none of us are perfect, no, not one! 

  I think too often we allow memories of past failures and mistakes keep us from trying something new, something that will catapult us into the next level of success.  We let our past sabotage our future.   

For me – it was worth it to hard boil the eggs in the oven.   Sure enough, that Facebook post was true – the eggs peeled easily; they tasted better and I’m so glad I just laughed about my former egg disaster and tried a new thing. 

I encourage you to do the same; don’t let your previous mistakes keep you from stepping out and trying something new.  I remember struggling with borrowing money to go to graduate school; that cost a lot of money, and I was still dealing with feelings of inadequacy – was I really worth thousands of dollars?  With a few words of encouragement from my husband, (“You need to poop or get off the pot” lol) and a determination to become a counselor, that dream became a reality.

And yours can become a reality too – you may need to get over that nagging, negative Nancy who says you can’t do it; you may need a little help from your friends; you may need to see a counselor.  Whatever you need to do, try a new recipe for your life.   

I think you’ll find difficulties peel away easier, success will taste sweet in your mouth, and you’ll wonder why you didn’t do it sooner