Emotional Intimacy: Why Men Struggle More Than Women

Emotional intimacy—the ability to connect deeply, be vulnerable, and feel truly seen—is something many women crave in relationships. Yet, many men struggle with it. Why? Are men just emotionally stunted? Do they lack the capacity for deep connection? Not at all. The answer lies in biology, brain structure, and how we’re wired from the womb.

Men and Women: Speaking Different Languages

Imagine this: A woman shares her feelings, expecting emotional validation. Instead, her partner jumps in with a solution. Frustrated, she accuses him of not listening. He, equally frustrated, wonders why she doesn’t appreciate his advice. Sound familiar? This disconnect isn’t about stubbornness—it’s about biology.

A Tale of Two Brains

At around 9–10 weeks gestation, male and female brains start to diverge. A surge of testosterone in the male fetus shrinks the corpus callosum—the bridge between the two hemispheres of the brain—by about 40%. This means men’s brains are more compartmentalized, handling one task at a time. Women, on the other hand, can rapidly switch between emotional and logical thinking.

Here’s how this plays out in daily life:

• Men are problem solvers: When a woman shares her struggles, a man’s instinct is to fix it rather than explore feelings.

• Women are storytellers: They talk to process emotions, connecting past and present experiences in a seamless flow.

• Men focus on the now: A guy playing golf isn’t thinking about picking up milk on the way home. His brain is wired to focus on the task at hand.

Why This Affects Emotional Intimacy

Since women process emotions and memory differently, they tend to feel deeply connected through verbal and emotional sharing. For men, this can feel overwhelming. It’s not that men don’t want intimacy; they simply engage with emotions differently.

A common scenario:

A wife pours her heart out about a tough day at work. Her husband listens for a bit, then interrupts with, “Why don’t you just tell your boss that?” She feels dismissed. He’s confused—he thought he was being helpful.

She wants emotional intimacy—feeling heard, validated, and supported. He wants to solve the problem because his brain tells him that’s the best way to help.

Bridging the Gap

So how do couples close this emotional gap? By understanding and respecting each other’s "language."

• Men: Learn to listen without fixing. Sometimes, your partner just needs to vent. A simple “That sounds really tough” goes a long way.

Use tools! If your wife asks you to grab something on the way home, write it down. Your brain isn’t wired for multitasking, and that’s okay!• Women: Be direct about what you need. Instead of “You never listen to me,” try, “I just need you to hear me out right now, not solve it.”

Final Thoughts

Emotional intimacy isn’t about forcing men to think like women or vice versa. It’s about understanding our biological differences and working with them, not against them. When men and women learn each other’s emotional "languages," intimacy deepens, conflicts decrease, and relationships thrive.

So, next time she talks, listen. Next time he forgets, remind him (nicely). And always, always seek to understand before assuming the worst.

Barbra Russell, MA, LPC barbrarussell.com 720-263-6257

Purple Nails and The Rules of Communication

Recently I went to a nail salon to get a mani/pedi, one of my favorite forms of self-care!

I didn’t want purple nails; in fact, I was quite clear when I made the appointment. "I want light pink nails with white French tips” I instructed, just like I’d gotten for years. I wanted dark red on my toes, but not on my fingernails, oh no.

And yet, how did it happen that I walked out of the shop with these purple nails?

As the famous line from “Cool Hand Luke” says: “What we have here is a failure to communicate.” What happened? Where was the failure to communicate?

After thinking about it, I realized miscommunication happens in every-day interactions with others; therefore I came up with some guidelines to keep you and me out of trouble.

The Purple Nails Rules of Communication

There Are“Do’s” and "Don'ts"

Do Speak Up; Ask Questions

When you speak up, be sure not to accuse – Imagine the fight that could start with: “OMG, don’t you ever listen? I told you….” A great question to ask: “What did you mean by that?” **. (See blog by that name in Stories From the Couch on my web site.

Take responsibility

. “I told the receptionist that I wanted light pink with French tips, but I didn’t tell you."

In fact, the misunderstanding in the nail salon came from two short sentences:

Manicurist: “You want the same color?”

Me: “Yes.”

I wanted the same light pink/French tips and I thought she was confirming that. I figured out later she was asking if I wanted the same deep color on my fingernails that I had chosen for my toenails. And I said “yes.” That's where the trouble began.

The mani/pedi began; I relaxed. I wasn’t really paying attention; my eyes were closed and I was enjoying being pampered.

I opened my eyes, and my nails were purple! Oh no! Not what I wanted; not what I said! Next lesson:

Pay Attention; Be Fully Present

Couples, friends or work partners often don’t pay attention until it’s too late. Maybe they’re relaxing; maybe they’re focused on something else. It pays to pay attention!  It certainly would have helped me that day.

Listen To Hear; Listen to Understand –

The best way to truly understand what someone is saying is to repeat, “What I heard you say was….. (summarizing their statement).”

Decide You’d Rather Be Happy Than Right

How often do people fight because they feel compelled to prove they’re right? Well, as the question goes: Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized being right’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Another thing you learn with age is this: worry about what you can control. If you can’t control it, let it go. And folks, we can’t control anybody else. As a counselor, I see people trying to control others through communication; it’s not worth it.

“Don’ts” of Communication

Don’t Make Assumptions.

I assumed because I requested French tip nails when checking in, that direction would be passed on to my manicurist. Mistake. Big mistake. Never make assumptions. Examples: “I’d say something to you, but you’ll just jump down my throat if it’s not done perfectly.” “We talked about this the other day and you just conveniently forgot, I see.”

Don’t Make Up a Story about Misunderstandings

When you get right down to it, most communication failures are due to misunderstandings. And when you add a motive, one you’ve decided is there, it’s no wonder people can’t talk to each other!

Examples: “She’s mad at me.” “I just knew when I didn’t get right back to him, that he’d think of some way to get back at me.” “She doesn’t like me and decided to paint my nails purple just to spite me.”

Don’t Keep a Silent Tab

“Every single time I try to talk to you, you get mad.” “All month long you’ve ignored everything I’ve tried to tell you.” “You never listen.”

Silent tabs can run up a huge bill!

What’s the Solution?

I had a decision to make. I could have told the manicurist to remove all that polish and give me what I wanted and what I thought I had very clearly requested. And that’s a good solution; things get cleared up all around. However, I decided to make another choice = I’d let it go, an option you can choose as well. I kept the purple nails.

Sometimes you let things go

Obviously, when it’s important, you say something. If you ALWAYS let things go, perhaps from fear of conflict, that often causes repressed anger. And repressed anger acts like a dormant volcano, ready to explode.

This time, I thought, “Oh well, I’ve never done this before; I’ll have purple nails and see what I think. Maybe I’ll feel like a young adventurous girl!!” I decided to let it go.

The Moral of the Story

If I want to avoid purple nails and if you want better communication, we need to follow the do’s and don’ts. Do speak up. Do ask questions. Do decide to let some things go. Do listen to really hear.

Don’t make assumptions. Don’t make up a story or add a motive. Don’t keep a silent tab.

Want a better marriage, friendship, work relationship?

Learn the Purple Nails’ Rules of Communication!

Note: See similar blogs such as "How To Have a Healthy Relationship," "What Did You Mean by that?" and "Negative Assumptions - They're Killers." Find them on my web site in Stories From the Couch on barbrarussell.com