Purple Nails and The Rules of Communication
Recently I went to a nail salon to get a mani/pedi, one of my favorite forms of self-care!
I didn’t want purple nails; in fact, I was quite clear when I made the appointment. "I want light pink nails with white French tips” I instructed, just like I’d gotten for years. I wanted dark red on my toes, but not on my fingernails, oh no.
And yet, how did it happen that I walked out of the shop with these purple nails?
As the famous line from “Cool Hand Luke” says: “What we have here is a failure to communicate.” What happened? Where was the failure to communicate?
After thinking about it, I realized miscommunication happens in every-day interactions with others; therefore I came up with some guidelines to keep you and me out of trouble.
The Purple Nails Rules of Communication
There Are“Do’s” and "Don'ts"
Do Speak Up; Ask Questions
When you speak up, be sure not to accuse – Imagine the fight that could start with: “OMG, don’t you ever listen? I told you….” A great question to ask: “What did you mean by that?” **. (See blog by that name in Stories From the Couch on my web site.
Take responsibility
. “I told the receptionist that I wanted light pink with French tips, but I didn’t tell you."
In fact, the misunderstanding in the nail salon came from two short sentences:
Manicurist: “You want the same color?”
Me: “Yes.”
I wanted the same light pink/French tips and I thought she was confirming that. I figured out later she was asking if I wanted the same deep color on my fingernails that I had chosen for my toenails. And I said “yes.” That's where the trouble began.
The mani/pedi began; I relaxed. I wasn’t really paying attention; my eyes were closed and I was enjoying being pampered.
I opened my eyes, and my nails were purple! Oh no! Not what I wanted; not what I said! Next lesson:
Pay Attention; Be Fully Present
Couples, friends or work partners often don’t pay attention until it’s too late. Maybe they’re relaxing; maybe they’re focused on something else. It pays to pay attention! It certainly would have helped me that day.
Listen To Hear; Listen to Understand –
The best way to truly understand what someone is saying is to repeat, “What I heard you say was….. (summarizing their statement).”
Decide You’d Rather Be Happy Than Right
How often do people fight because they feel compelled to prove they’re right? Well, as the question goes: Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized being right’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Another thing you learn with age is this: worry about what you can control. If you can’t control it, let it go. And folks, we can’t control anybody else. As a counselor, I see people trying to control others through communication; it’s not worth it.
“Don’ts” of Communication
Don’t Make Assumptions.
I assumed because I requested French tip nails when checking in, that direction would be passed on to my manicurist. Mistake. Big mistake. Never make assumptions. Examples: “I’d say something to you, but you’ll just jump down my throat if it’s not done perfectly.” “We talked about this the other day and you just conveniently forgot, I see.”
Don’t Make Up a Story about Misunderstandings
When you get right down to it, most communication failures are due to misunderstandings. And when you add a motive, one you’ve decided is there, it’s no wonder people can’t talk to each other!
Examples: “She’s mad at me.” “I just knew when I didn’t get right back to him, that he’d think of some way to get back at me.” “She doesn’t like me and decided to paint my nails purple just to spite me.”
Don’t Keep a Silent Tab
“Every single time I try to talk to you, you get mad.” “All month long you’ve ignored everything I’ve tried to tell you.” “You never listen.”
Silent tabs can run up a huge bill!
What’s the Solution?
I had a decision to make. I could have told the manicurist to remove all that polish and give me what I wanted and what I thought I had very clearly requested. And that’s a good solution; things get cleared up all around. However, I decided to make another choice = I’d let it go, an option you can choose as well. I kept the purple nails.
Sometimes you let things go
Obviously, when it’s important, you say something. If you ALWAYS let things go, perhaps from fear of conflict, that often causes repressed anger. And repressed anger acts like a dormant volcano, ready to explode.
This time, I thought, “Oh well, I’ve never done this before; I’ll have purple nails and see what I think. Maybe I’ll feel like a young adventurous girl!!” I decided to let it go.
The Moral of the Story
If I want to avoid purple nails and if you want better communication, we need to follow the do’s and don’ts. Do speak up. Do ask questions. Do decide to let some things go. Do listen to really hear.
Don’t make assumptions. Don’t make up a story or add a motive. Don’t keep a silent tab.
Want a better marriage, friendship, work relationship?
Learn the Purple Nails’ Rules of Communication!
Note: See similar blogs such as "How To Have a Healthy Relationship," "What Did You Mean by that?" and "Negative Assumptions - They're Killers." Find them on my web site in Stories From the Couch on barbrarussell.com
