Secrets are no fun

🤫 You know what they say about secrets – they’re no fun. 🤫

Picture this: It's the dead of night, and the phone shatters the silence. My heart races. It's my 68-year-old mother, her voice trembling with urgency. She has a secret to reveal, convinced that her time is running out.

What unfolded in those early morning hours unlocked a door to my past, shedding light on my upbringing and my relationship with my father. The patterns woven into my life by that revelation ultimately led me to penning my first book, "Yes! I Said No!"

Curious to hear more? I recently had the pleasure of chatting with Ginger Monceaux on her podcast, "The Midlife Empress." In our candid conversation, we delved into the profound impact of secrets and trauma on our present lives, the lifesaving role of counseling and coaching, the myth of people-pleasing as a spiritual gift, and the fascinating insights from understanding brain chemistry in fostering healthy relationships.

🎧 Tune in to the episode using the link below. After listening, drop a comment or leave a review. And don't forget to share the wisdom with your circle. Let's start a ripple of empowerment and growth together! 🌊

[Link to the podcast episode: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/secrets-are-no-fun-a-deep-dive-with-barbra-russell/id1705941089?i=1000654807687]

I'm all ears for your thoughts and reflections. Let's keep the conversation flowing! 💬 - Barbra

Is There Too Much On Your Plate?

How do you tell someone your plate is full? There’s never been a better time to learn what to say, or how to deal with this or other issues in your life. Counseling can help. However, you may have some reservations like this woman I talked to recently.

She said: “I’d like to get some counseling, but……”. I knew what she was thinking:

1. “I can’t afford it.”

2. “I have a hard time asking for help.”

3. “I'm not sure I have the time.”

These are common concerns; however, if you want things to change, you really can’t afford NOT to talk to a counselor.

THE BOTTOM LINE: YOU INVEST IN YOURSELF WHEN YOU SEEK COUNSELING

Here’s something to help you make that decision.

People have recently asked if I offer package deals, and In these stressful times, it only makes sense.

Effective March 1, I am offering three different counseling packages which will save you money and start the process of investing in you – your personal growth, and your start to a different, better life.

Hear what some previous clients have to say:

“God used you in miraculous ways to help me find a new normal! You gave me the courage to push through when I wanted to give up and you kept peeling back the layers until I was able to just say no and have no guilt. I still say to myself in situations: what would Barbra say! Thank you for being you and all that God designed you to be! Love you always!”

“My sessions with you have helped me stop fighting with my adult daughter and now our relationship is so much better. Thank you, Barbra”

“You helped me recognize I had a mental health disorder and working with you has been the biggest blessing of my life! It has made such a world of difference; you’re an absolutely amazing therapist.”

Here’s the good deal

Cost for Counseling: Per Good Therapy: in most areas of the country, a person can expect to pay $100-$250 per session.

My current therapy fee is $100 per hourly session. With a choice of these three different package deals, you can save from $50 to $250.

Package Cost

PACKAGE ONE: Three-sessions $300 value: $250

PACKAGE TWO: Six sessions $600 value: $500

PACKAGE THREE: Twelve sessions $1200 value: $950

Research has shown common benefits of counseling such as:

1. Improved communication and interpersonal skills

2. Greater self-acceptance and self-esteem

3. Ability to change self-defeating behavioral habits

4. Better expression and management of emotions, including anger

5. Relief from depression, anxiety or other mental health conditions.

Take advantage of one of these packages or purchase a gift certificate for someone else by contacting me today. Confidential sessions are available online wherever you are located. Call 720-263-6257 or send me an email at: barb@barbrarussell.com

I’d love to hear from you, Barbra

p.s. I also offer individual and group classes based on my book, Yes! I Said No!

In these classes I help people learn how to set healthy boundaries. Because, let’s face it, many people try to do everything and please everyone. Men and women interested in growth hire me to help kick the habit of saying yes when they need to say no.

“With Barbra’s book, almost all my relationships have improved. (A scant few of them I walked away from completely because the relationship did not bring peace) And that’s a really big deal to me because relationships were a mystery to me. It’s all fun and games at the start but what if one of you steps into the weeds? I didn’t want to just cut people from my life. I wanted to know the secret to walking with them without inadvertently being drawn into worthless drama and becoming exhausted.”

Contact me today

720-263-6257

barb@barbrarussell.com

Nosy People - How Do You Handle Them?

It’s holiday time – families gather around tables, or you’re with coworkers at the annual Christmas party.

The scene sounds like an idyllic picture, right? But if you’re the one captured by well-meaning but nosy people, you can feel like you’re trapped in a prison cell,.

“When are you going to have kids?” “Are you ever going to get married?” “What kind of job is that?” “How much money do you make?” The list can go on and on.

How do you, an adult with your own life, respond? Most of us don’t want to be rude in return, we want to be polite, but we just don’t want to answer such questions. We figure, “It’s my life; it’s none of your business.” Actually, it's becoming more common to be child-free. A Forbes October 2022 article stated a significant portion (44%) of non-parents aged 18 to 49 years old say it's unlikely they will have children.

A reporter recently asked me to help her with a story she was writing on being child-free. Her question: “how do you handle or shut down the sometimes intrusive and prying questions women get over the holidays from friends and family?”

I gave her some tips, some of which are taken from my book, Yes! I Said No! How To Set Healthy Boundaries and Increase Your Self Esteem. You can change the wording to reflect any situation you might encounter.

Five tips:

1. Prepare ahead of time. When you're caught by surprise, you may stumble, stutter or make little sense.

2. Don't be defensive, feeling you must justify your being child-free.

3. Don't explain - keep your answers short and sweet

4. Use the broken-record technique - if they keep pushing, repeat your chosen phrase.

5. After your response, follow-up with a question - How about you? Do you have kids? How old are they? Or other questions about hobbies, travel or the latest movie they've seen.

Specific phrases you can choose and practice; again, I’ve written them with a “child-free focus.”.

• I don't know whether I'll (we'll) have children or not. I'm taking my time to think about it, and I'm happy with that decision.

• I've (We've) decided not to have children.

• Dolly Parton said: "Since I had no kids and my husband was pretty independent, I had the freedom to achieve my dream of becoming a country star." You can say something similar.

• We want kids someday, but it's not in our plans right now.

Worst-case scenarios to the rude and pushy person who won't let it go:

• I know you mean well, but this is a personal decision.

• Oh, why were you wondering? (use humor). You need more kids for the baseball team?

This year don’t dread the holidays. Experience the freedom that comes with setting boundaries.

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Purple Nails and The Rules of Communication

Purple Nails and The Rules of Communication

Recently I went to a nail salon to get a mani/pedi, one of my favorite forms of self-care!

I didn’t want purple nails; in fact, I was quite clear when I made the appointment. "I want light pink nails with white French tips” I instructed, just like I’d gotten for years. I wanted dark red on my toes, but not on my fingernails, oh no.

And yet, how did it happen that I walked out of the shop with these purple nails?

As the famous line from “Cool Hand Luke” says: “What we have here is a failure to communicate.” What happened? Where was the failure to communicate?

After thinking about it, I realized miscommunication happens in every-day interactions with others; therefore I came up with some guidelines to keep you and me out of trouble.

The Purple Nails Rules of Communication

There Are“Do’s” and "Don'ts"

Do Speak Up; Ask Questions

When you speak up, be sure not to accuse – Imagine the fight that could start with: “OMG, don’t you ever listen? I told you….” A great question to ask: “What did you mean by that?” **. (See blog by that name in Stories From the Couch on my web site.

Take responsibility

. “I told the receptionist that I wanted light pink with French tips, but I didn’t tell you."

In fact, the misunderstanding in the nail salon came from two short sentences:

Manicurist: “You want the same color?”

Me: “Yes.”

I wanted the same light pink/French tips and I thought she was confirming that. I figured out later she was asking if I wanted the same deep color on my fingernails that I had chosen for my toenails. And I said “yes.” That's where the trouble began.

The mani/pedi began; I relaxed. I wasn’t really paying attention; my eyes were closed and I was enjoying being pampered.

I opened my eyes, and my nails were purple! Oh no! Not what I wanted; not what I said! Next lesson:

Pay Attention; Be Fully Present

Couples, friends or work partners often don’t pay attention until it’s too late. Maybe they’re relaxing; maybe they’re focused on something else. It pays to pay attention!  It certainly would have helped me that day.

Listen To Hear; Listen to Understand –

The best way to truly understand what someone is saying is to repeat, “What I heard you say was….. (summarizing their statement).”

Decide You’d Rather Be Happy Than Right

How often do people fight because they feel compelled to prove they’re right? Well, as the question goes: Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized being right’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Another thing you learn with age is this: worry about what you can control. If you can’t control it, let it go. And folks, we can’t control anybody else. As a counselor, I see people trying to control others through communication; it’s not worth it.

“Don’ts” of Communication

Don’t Make Assumptions.

I assumed because I requested French tip nails when checking in, that direction would be passed on to my manicurist. Mistake. Big mistake. Never make assumptions. Examples: “I’d say something to you, but you’ll just jump down my throat if it’s not done perfectly.” “We talked about this the other day and you just conveniently forgot, I see.”

Don’t Make Up a Story about Misunderstandings

When you get right down to it, most communication failures are due to misunderstandings. And when you add a motive, one you’ve decided is there, it’s no wonder people can’t talk to each other!

Examples: “She’s mad at me.” “I just knew when I didn’t get right back to him, that he’d think of some way to get back at me.” “She doesn’t like me and decided to paint my nails purple just to spite me.”

Don’t Keep a Silent Tab

“Every single time I try to talk to you, you get mad.” “All month long you’ve ignored everything I’ve tried to tell you.” “You never listen.”

Silent tabs can run up a huge bill!

What’s the Solution?

I had a decision to make. I could have told the manicurist to remove all that polish and give me what I wanted and what I thought I had very clearly requested. And that’s a good solution; things get cleared up all around. However, I decided to make another choice = I’d let it go, an option you can choose as well. I kept the purple nails.

Sometimes you let things go

Obviously, when it’s important, you say something. If you ALWAYS let things go, perhaps from fear of conflict, that often causes repressed anger. And repressed anger acts like a dormant volcano, ready to explode.

This time, I thought, “Oh well, I’ve never done this before; I’ll have purple nails and see what I think. Maybe I’ll feel like a young adventurous girl!!” I decided to let it go.

The Moral of the Story

If I want to avoid purple nails and if you want better communication, we need to follow the do’s and don’ts. Do speak up. Do ask questions. Do decide to let some things go. Do listen to really hear.

Don’t make assumptions. Don’t make up a story or add a motive. Don’t keep a silent tab.

Want a better marriage, friendship, work relationship?

Learn the Purple Nails’ Rules of Communication!

Note: See similar blogs such as "How To Have a Healthy Relationship," "What Did You Mean by that?" and "Negative Assumptions - They're Killers." Find them on my web site in Stories From the Couch on barbrarussell.com

Oprah Winfrey Couldn't Set Boundaries

Oprah Winfrey Couldn’t Say No

            Oprah once said, “I was 40 years old before I learned to say no.  I was consumed by the disease to please.  The word yes would be out of my mouth before I even knew it. 

            After years of listening to other people’s stories, I finally recognized where this came from for me.  Having a history of abuse also meant a history of not being able to set boundaries.  Once your personal boundaries have been violated as a child, it’s difficult to regain the courage to stop people from stepping on you.  You fear being rejected for who you really are.  So for years, I spent my life giving everything I could to almost anyone who asked.  I was running myself ragged trying to fulfill other people’s expectations of what I should do and who I should be.” 

            Perhaps you’re not famous like Oprah (who is, right?). Perhaps you’ve not been abused (although many have).  But you may very well have become a People Pleaser.  (I was) And you may have a hard time saying no. 

            Here’s the good news:  In my book Yes!  I Said No! I discussed why it’s so hard to say no, that people pleasing is not a spiritual gift, and how you can learn to care without carrying.  And now I’ve designed a Master Class to discuss these topics and more.  You’ll also learn from other people in the class.  Other benefits include:

·      Ways to handle conflict in a healthy way

·      Become a Reformed People Pleaser

·      Find Out if You’re Codependent

·      How To Say No

Setting Healthy Boundaries is a skill you can master.  Join me in this six-week Master Class where you will receive specific tools to set healthy boundaries and take control of your life.  Included in this class: 

• Live Teaching

• Live Interaction

• Book and Workbook Included!

• Codependency Assessment

• Practical Tools

• Easy-to-understand

• Practical Tools

• Discount if you already have the books

Every Tuesday evening from 6:00 p.m. — 7:30 p.m. CST from March 22 - April 26th.

I’d love to see you there; click this link for more details and to register: 

https://www.barbrarussell.com/masterclass

Venting - Is It Good or Bad?

Venting – Is It Good or Bad?

I’ve always told the interns I supervised, “healing happens when people get to tell their story.”

            Some researchers seem to disagree, however.  Jeff Haden writes: “Why Science Says Emotionally Intelligent People Follow the Rule of No Complaints.  When something bad happens, venting can actually make you feel worse – for days.”

 To complain or not to complain, that is the question.

Venting – is it good or bad?

  I’ve seen the results of “holding it all in.”  My mother was 68 years old before she spoke up.  Her father had physically and sexually assaulted her and all nine siblings.  I finally understood why she and my aunts and uncles had issues. My mother suffered with stomach ulcers, back pain and mental distress.  Her siblings became alcoholics or endured a variety of physical illnesses.   One became a sexual perpetrator like his father. 

No one talked about incest in those days. 

 The night she called us, my mother had suffered so long, she felt she was dying and urgently needed to speak out.  She did.  She vented – for l-l/2 hours. 

After she did, healing began to happen.

Over the years, people have told me their stories; stories of abuse, stories of trauma, hurt and unimaginable pain.  And when they finally let it all out, I see the relief and changes that start to occur.  Yes, healing happens when people tell their stories.

Why then does science say emotionally intelligent people refuse to complain?  How do they somehow stay positive and keep moving forward no matter what happens?  And what’s wrong with complaining anyway?

“Discussing events immediately, during or after they occur forces the brain to re-live or ‘rehearse’ the negative emotional response,’ the researchers write.  ‘This creates a stronger association in memory, exaggerating the influence of the emotional episode.”  In other words, complaining about a negative event actually cements the incident in your mind.  Instead of helping you to move on, complaining causes the negative feelings to bleed over into other areas of your life.  Add it all up and complaining makes you feel worse today AND worse tomorrow. 

 So what’s the deal?  Which is better?  To vent or not to vent?

Venting to process events, to be heard, to find solutions, is helpful.  For example, people talk to a counselor to:

·      Obtain clarity about a situation

·      Get unstuck

·      Find a new direction

Complaining sucks you down into a deep pit.  We’ve all heard people relate the same story again and again; it generally goes like this:

·      I have it so bad,

·      The world is a mess,

·      Other people have done me wrong

Here’s what they need to know, however.  People who complain experience worse moods, feel less satisfaction or pride in their work, feel less happy and experience poorer self-esteem.

  Those who vent to move forward experience the opposite.  They are happier, more resilient and remain positive in the midst of pain

            This doesn’t mean the only response to a negative situation is to simply grin and bear it.  Nor does it mean you just have to suck it up.  Inc. writer Justin Bariso says, “Emotional intelligence ultimately means making your emotions work for you, not against you.  So instead of wasting energy by complaining, blow off that steam by talking about how you’ll make things better.  What you’ll do next time; what you won’t do next time.” 

There’s a difference between venting and complaining. 

Make staying positive a skill -- one you improve through practice and repetition.

And, Haden goes on to say, don’t stop there.  When the people around you complain, listen.  Empathize.  And then help them shift their focus to finding ways to improve the situation.  Because research also shows that when your friends feel happier and more productive, so do you. 

Win-win.