Finding Strength in the Storm

Subject: Finding Strength in the Storm

I recently saw several social media posts, two of which read like this:

"I am 26 and am feeling unhappy with everything -- climate change, politicians, my work, the future. How can I get out of this funk?"

"This year probably took me closer to the edge than I've ever been.... And that's saying something."

Have you felt like that this past year?

I hear you. The weight of the world right now can feel like too much, and when it all piles up— politics, work stress, uncertainty about the future—it’s easy to feel stuck, like you’re spinning your wheels in the mud. You’re not alone in this feeling. One of Jelly Roll’s lines captures it perfectly:

"I’m falling apart right in front of you, can’t you see?"

There’s a raw honesty in those words, a reminder that feeling broken or overwhelmed doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human. And being human also means you have something incredible within you: resilience.

I want to share a story about resilience, one that might just help you shift your perspective.

Years ago, there was a young woman named Maya who faced what felt like insurmountable odds. She’d lost her job, was struggling with a family crisis, and, to top it off, was navigating an increasingly uncertain world. One day, at her lowest point, she stumbled across a quote: “You can’t control the waves, but you can learn to surf.”

At first, she was skeptical—how could “surfing” help with her problems? But instead of letting the chaos swallow her, she started taking small steps. She wrote down three things she was grateful for each day. She found ways to connect with others who inspired her. She didn’t fix everything overnight, but little by little, she built strength. She discovered that while she couldn’t stop the storms, she could learn to ride them out—and sometimes even find beauty in the process.

Resilience doesn’t mean you’re immune to pain or stress. It means that you keep going, even when things feel impossible. It’s about finding those small moments of light, even when the shadows are long.

So how do you start to climb out of your funk? Here are a few steps:

Acknowledge how you feel. Pretending everything’s fine won’t help. Be honest with yourself, and let yourself feel what you’re feeling.

Focus on what you can control. You might not be able to solve climate change single-handedly, but you can make choices—big or small—that align with your values.

Connect. Whether it’s with friends, family, or a professional, don’t go it alone. Find your posse; ; sharing your feelings can lighten the load.

Practice gratitude. It sounds cliché, but it works. Even in the hardest moments, there’s always something to be thankful for.

Find purpose in small actions. Volunteering, helping a neighbor, or working on a passion project can give you a sense of meaning and accomplishment.

The world may feel heavy, but you don’t have to carry it all on your shoulders.

Consider talk therapy in person or online.

You have more strength than you think, and sometimes, simply taking one step forward is the most powerful thing you can do.

Remember, resilience isn’t about never falling; it’s about always getting back up. And when you do, you’ll see just how far you’ve come.

You’ve got this.

With hope,

Barbra

How Adding This One Word To Your Vocabulary Can Change Your Life

I’ve spent thousands of counseling hours working with many people who want to say “no,” who need to say “no,” but who say “yes” anyway.

One client was abused as a young child and when she told her mom, she was instructed to keep silent so as not to shame the family. Over the years she felt insecure and ashamed; her biggest challenge became speaking up for herself.

Another client is a husband, a father, a manager at work, coach of his son’s soccer team, volunteer at his church and on call 24/7 as a community fireman. While he enjoyed each aspect of his involvement, he was beginning to feel frustrated and unappreciated. He needed to learn to say “no.”

A third client loved all her large family but as the oldest, she took care of her siblings because mom was an alcoholic and dad was gone. She learned to please everyone because “if people like you, you feel accepted.” Rejection and trust issues led to resentment and bitterness. “Why me?”

These clients are not alone; I too yearned to be accepted and became a parent-pleaser who morphed into people pleasing as a way of life.

I was mortified when my home economics teacher announced to the entire class: “This is terrible stitching; Barbra has shown us the wrong way to sew.” And years later, when my boss asked my opinion, my face burned red and my throat closed down for fear I’d say the wrong thing.

Yes, I was with those who “hang onto known misery rather than reach out for unknown happiness.” Speaking up, being different, or saying no was way too scary.

Yet I, along with these clients, am living a different life because I learned to set boundaries.

Now I want to help others experience the confidence and freedom which comes when you declare, “Yes! I Said No!”

As most of you know, six years ago I wrote a book by the same name which, I’m happy to report, has helped so many. Here’s a few testimonials I’m sharing because I’d like you to help me spread the word about the new hardback edition of Yes! I Said No!

“Barbra Russell, what you said resonated with me! Thank you. You described me. I became a people pleaser to survive in the abusive relationship I was in. It’s taken me over a decade to come back from that and finally say no. It’s only been recently that I recognized that I was still shutting down emotionally and using that learned behavior even though I wasn’t physically living there. I still have to deal with my son’s father because of my son, but I have learned to stand up for myself with him for my son.”

“Thank you, Barbra. I was just reviewing your video and love what you share about boundaries. You are very relatable and you speak from the heart. You share transparently about how boundaries used to be hard for you AND THEN GIVE US TOOLS to set better ones for ourselves. Just brilliant!”

“Barbra’s book Yes! I Said No! truly changed my life. Coming from an Amish background, I was well equipped to meekly obey and always say yes, but it did not bring peace to me or my relationships. Barbra’s book and workbook are thin, easy to read, easy to remember, and the uncomplicated tools made navigating relationships so much easier.”

There are three questions on the YISN book jacket:

o Is it hard to find time for yourself?

o Do you often ignore what you want, and focus instead on what others want?

o Do you find it difficult to speak up for yourself?

Ask some of my clients who’ve answered yes to all these questions and as a result have been silent most of their lives. They couldn’t handle conflict, and felt they had no choice but to be people-pleasers. “Boundaries” was a foreign word. No longer. Now “freedom” is their favorite feeling, and “boundaries” a familiar concept.

Check out this dust jacket with the new picture and classy look – (thanks Meg Delagrange Belfon). Yes! I Said No! is now available through Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Walmart, Books-A-Million and other places around the world! My dream of this book affecting thousands of people is coming to pass! The first edition has been out for over 6 years and people are still ordering it –from as far away as the UK and Canada. Here’s some of what you’ll find in YISN:

o Why Is It So Hard to Say No?

o People Pleasing is not a Spiritual Gift

o How to Care Without Carrying People

o How to Say No without blowing up, running away or wimping out (shutting down.)

You’ll find useful concepts to set healthy boundaries. There's also practical tips to increase your self-esteem like:

o The Power of Deciding

o To be successful, invest in yourself,

o How to develop thick, armor-plated skin.

I love the testimonies I’ve received about people’s lives changing because of this book. People have said: “I’m standing up for myself now at work, at home and in relationships.” “I feel so much more confident and I actually know how to set boundaries. Before, I was always afraid I’d be thought of as rude, selfish or mean.” “I started to say “no” and I’ve grown as a result.”

Now I’d like your help to spread the word. Do you know someone in another city, or state, or another country? Please share this information with them. I’d like for Yes! I Said No! to become the new bible for boundaries. I want people to say no when they need to so they can say yes when they want to.

Will you help me out? Please share with others; buy a book and read it; buy another and send it. “No” is a word you need to add to your vocabulary.

Below are links to some of the places you can order the new hardcover edition of Yes! I Said No!

Amazon:

https://amzn.to/45pTgAw

Barnes and Noble:

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/yes-i-said-no-barbra-e-russell/1134184980?ean=9780998077994

Walmart:

https://www.walmart.com/ip/Yes-I-Said-No-How-to-Set-Healthy-Boundaries-and-Increase-Your-Self-Esteem-Edition-3-Hardcover-9780998077994/2777803465?from=/search

Books-a-million:

https://www.booksamillion.com/p/Yes-Said-No/Barbra-E-Russell/9780998077994?id=8896562918651

Do you know someone who struggles with setting boundaries? Please share this blog with them.

Is There Too Much On Your Plate?

How do you tell someone your plate is full? There’s never been a better time to learn what to say, or how to deal with this or other issues in your life. Counseling can help. However, you may have some reservations like this woman I talked to recently.

She said: “I’d like to get some counseling, but……”. I knew what she was thinking:

1. “I can’t afford it.”

2. “I have a hard time asking for help.”

3. “I'm not sure I have the time.”

These are common concerns; however, if you want things to change, you really can’t afford NOT to talk to a counselor.

THE BOTTOM LINE: YOU INVEST IN YOURSELF WHEN YOU SEEK COUNSELING

Here’s something to help you make that decision.

People have recently asked if I offer package deals, and In these stressful times, it only makes sense.

Effective March 1, I am offering three different counseling packages which will save you money and start the process of investing in you – your personal growth, and your start to a different, better life.

Hear what some previous clients have to say:

“God used you in miraculous ways to help me find a new normal! You gave me the courage to push through when I wanted to give up and you kept peeling back the layers until I was able to just say no and have no guilt. I still say to myself in situations: what would Barbra say! Thank you for being you and all that God designed you to be! Love you always!”

“My sessions with you have helped me stop fighting with my adult daughter and now our relationship is so much better. Thank you, Barbra”

“You helped me recognize I had a mental health disorder and working with you has been the biggest blessing of my life! It has made such a world of difference; you’re an absolutely amazing therapist.”

Here’s the good deal

Cost for Counseling: Per Good Therapy: in most areas of the country, a person can expect to pay $100-$250 per session.

My current therapy fee is $100 per hourly session. With a choice of these three different package deals, you can save from $50 to $250.

Package Cost

PACKAGE ONE: Three-sessions $300 value: $250

PACKAGE TWO: Six sessions $600 value: $500

PACKAGE THREE: Twelve sessions $1200 value: $950

Research has shown common benefits of counseling such as:

1. Improved communication and interpersonal skills

2. Greater self-acceptance and self-esteem

3. Ability to change self-defeating behavioral habits

4. Better expression and management of emotions, including anger

5. Relief from depression, anxiety or other mental health conditions.

Take advantage of one of these packages or purchase a gift certificate for someone else by contacting me today. Confidential sessions are available online wherever you are located. Call 720-263-6257 or send me an email at: barb@barbrarussell.com

I’d love to hear from you, Barbra

p.s. I also offer individual and group classes based on my book, Yes! I Said No!

In these classes I help people learn how to set healthy boundaries. Because, let’s face it, many people try to do everything and please everyone. Men and women interested in growth hire me to help kick the habit of saying yes when they need to say no.

“With Barbra’s book, almost all my relationships have improved. (A scant few of them I walked away from completely because the relationship did not bring peace) And that’s a really big deal to me because relationships were a mystery to me. It’s all fun and games at the start but what if one of you steps into the weeds? I didn’t want to just cut people from my life. I wanted to know the secret to walking with them without inadvertently being drawn into worthless drama and becoming exhausted.”

Contact me today

720-263-6257

barb@barbrarussell.com

Nosy People - How Do You Handle Them?

It’s holiday time – families gather around tables, or you’re with coworkers at the annual Christmas party.

The scene sounds like an idyllic picture, right? But if you’re the one captured by well-meaning but nosy people, you can feel like you’re trapped in a prison cell,.

“When are you going to have kids?” “Are you ever going to get married?” “What kind of job is that?” “How much money do you make?” The list can go on and on.

How do you, an adult with your own life, respond? Most of us don’t want to be rude in return, we want to be polite, but we just don’t want to answer such questions. We figure, “It’s my life; it’s none of your business.” Actually, it's becoming more common to be child-free. A Forbes October 2022 article stated a significant portion (44%) of non-parents aged 18 to 49 years old say it's unlikely they will have children.

A reporter recently asked me to help her with a story she was writing on being child-free. Her question: “how do you handle or shut down the sometimes intrusive and prying questions women get over the holidays from friends and family?”

I gave her some tips, some of which are taken from my book, Yes! I Said No! How To Set Healthy Boundaries and Increase Your Self Esteem. You can change the wording to reflect any situation you might encounter.

Five tips:

1. Prepare ahead of time. When you're caught by surprise, you may stumble, stutter or make little sense.

2. Don't be defensive, feeling you must justify your being child-free.

3. Don't explain - keep your answers short and sweet

4. Use the broken-record technique - if they keep pushing, repeat your chosen phrase.

5. After your response, follow-up with a question - How about you? Do you have kids? How old are they? Or other questions about hobbies, travel or the latest movie they've seen.

Specific phrases you can choose and practice; again, I’ve written them with a “child-free focus.”.

• I don't know whether I'll (we'll) have children or not. I'm taking my time to think about it, and I'm happy with that decision.

• I've (We've) decided not to have children.

• Dolly Parton said: "Since I had no kids and my husband was pretty independent, I had the freedom to achieve my dream of becoming a country star." You can say something similar.

• We want kids someday, but it's not in our plans right now.

Worst-case scenarios to the rude and pushy person who won't let it go:

• I know you mean well, but this is a personal decision.

• Oh, why were you wondering? (use humor). You need more kids for the baseball team?

This year don’t dread the holidays. Experience the freedom that comes with setting boundaries.

I

Oprah Winfrey Couldn't Set Boundaries

Oprah Winfrey Couldn’t Say No

            Oprah once said, “I was 40 years old before I learned to say no.  I was consumed by the disease to please.  The word yes would be out of my mouth before I even knew it. 

            After years of listening to other people’s stories, I finally recognized where this came from for me.  Having a history of abuse also meant a history of not being able to set boundaries.  Once your personal boundaries have been violated as a child, it’s difficult to regain the courage to stop people from stepping on you.  You fear being rejected for who you really are.  So for years, I spent my life giving everything I could to almost anyone who asked.  I was running myself ragged trying to fulfill other people’s expectations of what I should do and who I should be.” 

            Perhaps you’re not famous like Oprah (who is, right?). Perhaps you’ve not been abused (although many have).  But you may very well have become a People Pleaser.  (I was) And you may have a hard time saying no. 

            Here’s the good news:  In my book Yes!  I Said No! I discussed why it’s so hard to say no, that people pleasing is not a spiritual gift, and how you can learn to care without carrying.  And now I’ve designed a Master Class to discuss these topics and more.  You’ll also learn from other people in the class.  Other benefits include:

·      Ways to handle conflict in a healthy way

·      Become a Reformed People Pleaser

·      Find Out if You’re Codependent

·      How To Say No

Setting Healthy Boundaries is a skill you can master.  Join me in this six-week Master Class where you will receive specific tools to set healthy boundaries and take control of your life.  Included in this class: 

• Live Teaching

• Live Interaction

• Book and Workbook Included!

• Codependency Assessment

• Practical Tools

• Easy-to-understand

• Practical Tools

• Discount if you already have the books

Every Tuesday evening from 6:00 p.m. — 7:30 p.m. CST from March 22 - April 26th.

I’d love to see you there; click this link for more details and to register: 

https://www.barbrarussell.com/masterclass

What If....... You make routines, not resolutions this year?

It’s time to make New Year’s Resolutions!

Because that’s what people do, right? It’s January - Make resolutions.

Come February – those resolutions are generally ruined.

What if you did something different this year?

Make routines, not resolutions.

Here’s what that might look like:

Resolution: I’m going to lose 20#

Routine: Daily walking for 20-30 minutes

Resolution: I’m going to regularly do devotions

Routine: Read the Bible while I’m flossing my teeth

Resolution: Stop watching/listening to the news

Routine: TV only turned on once a day to something positive/enjoyable

Resolution: I’m taking better care of my mental health

Routine: Meet with a therapist every week

Resolution: I’m going to have a better relationship with my spouse/friend/child

Routine: Meet for coffee or lunch every Saturday

What happens? Those routines become tiny changes which bring about remarkable results.

James Clear, in his book “Atomic Habits” addresses this as well:

“You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.” – In other words, your routines are your systems. When you have a regular routine, you’ve started establishing a system.

“Every ACTION you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become.” The thought, the resolution, the intention is not enough. You must take action – start with a routine.

Here’s some tips:

1. Take small steps – The death of resolutions or any new routine is to

make it too general and too BIG!!

2. Tie your routine to something you already do; what James Clear calls “stacking habits.”

3. Know what works for you. As most of you know, when I decided to do regular stretching so I could walk without a limp, I tied that to an existing routine. I already got up, made coffee, read the paper, then went about my day. (See tip #2)

My new routine came with retraining my brain with a “reward”– “Barbra, you can read the paper and have a cup of coffee after you’ve stretched your leg.” I started with a few minutes (see tip #1)

Before long, it felt so good, I added more time and pretty soon, it’s a routine-- that became a system-- that became a part of my life.

What are your desires for this new year? The most common resolutions across the US revolve around a healthier body, a healthier mind and healthier finances.

What if……. You turned those resolutions into routines?

Happy New Year”s Routines 2022 from Barbra

Venting - Is It Good or Bad?

Venting – Is It Good or Bad?

I’ve always told the interns I supervised, “healing happens when people get to tell their story.”

            Some researchers seem to disagree, however.  Jeff Haden writes: “Why Science Says Emotionally Intelligent People Follow the Rule of No Complaints.  When something bad happens, venting can actually make you feel worse – for days.”

 To complain or not to complain, that is the question.

Venting – is it good or bad?

  I’ve seen the results of “holding it all in.”  My mother was 68 years old before she spoke up.  Her father had physically and sexually assaulted her and all nine siblings.  I finally understood why she and my aunts and uncles had issues. My mother suffered with stomach ulcers, back pain and mental distress.  Her siblings became alcoholics or endured a variety of physical illnesses.   One became a sexual perpetrator like his father. 

No one talked about incest in those days. 

 The night she called us, my mother had suffered so long, she felt she was dying and urgently needed to speak out.  She did.  She vented – for l-l/2 hours. 

After she did, healing began to happen.

Over the years, people have told me their stories; stories of abuse, stories of trauma, hurt and unimaginable pain.  And when they finally let it all out, I see the relief and changes that start to occur.  Yes, healing happens when people tell their stories.

Why then does science say emotionally intelligent people refuse to complain?  How do they somehow stay positive and keep moving forward no matter what happens?  And what’s wrong with complaining anyway?

“Discussing events immediately, during or after they occur forces the brain to re-live or ‘rehearse’ the negative emotional response,’ the researchers write.  ‘This creates a stronger association in memory, exaggerating the influence of the emotional episode.”  In other words, complaining about a negative event actually cements the incident in your mind.  Instead of helping you to move on, complaining causes the negative feelings to bleed over into other areas of your life.  Add it all up and complaining makes you feel worse today AND worse tomorrow. 

 So what’s the deal?  Which is better?  To vent or not to vent?

Venting to process events, to be heard, to find solutions, is helpful.  For example, people talk to a counselor to:

·      Obtain clarity about a situation

·      Get unstuck

·      Find a new direction

Complaining sucks you down into a deep pit.  We’ve all heard people relate the same story again and again; it generally goes like this:

·      I have it so bad,

·      The world is a mess,

·      Other people have done me wrong

Here’s what they need to know, however.  People who complain experience worse moods, feel less satisfaction or pride in their work, feel less happy and experience poorer self-esteem.

  Those who vent to move forward experience the opposite.  They are happier, more resilient and remain positive in the midst of pain

            This doesn’t mean the only response to a negative situation is to simply grin and bear it.  Nor does it mean you just have to suck it up.  Inc. writer Justin Bariso says, “Emotional intelligence ultimately means making your emotions work for you, not against you.  So instead of wasting energy by complaining, blow off that steam by talking about how you’ll make things better.  What you’ll do next time; what you won’t do next time.” 

There’s a difference between venting and complaining. 

Make staying positive a skill -- one you improve through practice and repetition.

And, Haden goes on to say, don’t stop there.  When the people around you complain, listen.  Empathize.  And then help them shift their focus to finding ways to improve the situation.  Because research also shows that when your friends feel happier and more productive, so do you. 

Win-win. 

How To Deal With Negative Thoughts

How To Deal With Negative Thoughts

First, how do thoughts cause pain? Here’s a few ways:

a. Stress – covid year, loss, no touch

b. Negative beliefs – I’m not good enough, etc.

c. Fear from negative assumptions – the dreaded “what-if’s”

d. Messages from the past – Who told you you’d never make it? Where did you hear, “You’re too sensitive,” etc.

Secondly, and more importantly, how do we deal with them?

What doesn’t work

Trying to ignore them, or push them down. We even try to get real stern and command them to go away. “Stop thinking that way right now!!!!” The problem is, those thoughts can come back stronger, especially when we’re stressed

What works?

Remember that just taking something away is not the key, because nature abhors a vacuum, and negative thoughts just love to come rushing back.

Here’s three steps to deal with negative thoughts:

1. Stop – Get distracted; get physical

2. Replace – What positive thing can you think of instead? (Hint – reading from your gratitude journal)

3. Repeat – Our brain creates neural pathways from repetition, so building a new path, so to speak, requires repeated attention and consistency.

To permanently get rid of those pesky negative thoughts, you need to change your values and beliefs around them. For example, in your family, you may have been taught: “Being proud of yourself is wrong.” “Taking care of others is more important than taking care of yourself.”

And the underlying belief is: “This is how you show love.” “This is the correct way to think, act, believe.” These then become values, beliefs you assimilate. No wonder it’s so hard to change those types of negative thoughts!

Here’s some things to keep in mind when you desire change:

1. You may need counseling/therapy

2. It may feel “wrong”

3. You will probably need to set some boundaries

Aaahh, but then, when you’ve successfully challenged and changed negative thoughts, here’s the next step:

Celebrate!

The best revenge — when you succeed after “they” said you couldn’t do it. There’s an old saying that goes: “The best revenge is a life well lived.”

My husband is a great example. Jerry worked for a terrible boss who kept telling him he was dumb, stupid and ignorant. But Jerry got help; he took action and he now enjoys knowing he’s very smart, talented and he’s also free!

For most of us, life is about change, about growth; it’s about pain and loss and falling off the horse, if only to see if we can get back up again. And when we do, when we climb back up on that horse after being thrown, we’re not the same person who let a horse throw him off.

So keep after those negative thoughts – don’t let any falls keep you from climbing back up and becoming a better person.

Do You Know Someone Who Could Use This?

The more I study and prepare for the Yes! I Said I Do! Marriage in Boundaries class, the more I am convinced that all couples should have this information in their toolbox.

I wonder if you know of a couple you'd like to sponsor; the $49 investment in their lives might be a life-saver!

This 3 hour class on April 17 from 9-noon MDT can help people who say: "I Want To Grow Old With you." While the divorce statistics are still threatening on the horizon, many marriages could be saved by applying these principles.

We'll be talking about "Why Do You Need Boundaries in Marriage?"

"What Happens When You DON'T have Healthy Boundaries"

"Boundaries FOR Your Marriage" - Each takes responsibility - and answers the question, "What do I need to understand/respect about the other person's way of communicating?

"Boundaries IN Your Marriage" - What marriage is not; rules for conflict resolution.

"Boundaries Around Your Marriage" - The pesky little flies in marriage

To register, or if you'd like to sponsor someone, go to: www.barbrarussell.com, scroll down to the "Virtual Marriage Class YISID"

Thanks for joining with me to decrease the divorce rate one couple at a time.

Barbra

Don't Let Your Past Sabotage Your Future

  DON’T LET YOUR PAST SABOTAGE YOUR FUTURE    

 “FOR ANYONE WHO MAY NOT KNOW, THE BEST WAY TO MAKE “HARD BOILED” EGGS IS IN THE OVEN!  PLACE THE EGGS IN A MUFFIN TIN SO THEY DON’T MOVE AROUND, PUT IN 325 DEGREE OVEN FOR 25-30 MINUTES AND REMOVE.  NOT ONLY ARE THEY TASTIER, BUT THEY ALSO ARE MUCH EASIER TO PEEL.”

Well, I saw this posted on Facebook one day and thought I should try it.   However, when I mentioned it to my husband, he laughingly reminded me of the “egg disaster in Houston” and cautioned me about trying this new way – we might wind up having to get a new oven if those eggs blew up! 

Here’s what happened:   We lived in Houston and were going to see Ray Charles live in concert.  Before we left, I planned to put on some eggs to boil, then turn off the heat, leaving the lid on.  It was supposed to be better than boiling them for 6-8 minutes.  Quick and easy, right?  Off we headed for the concert venue an hour away.  It was great!  We were in a theater-in-the-round and had great seats to enjoy the music and the musician. 

We were stuck in the parking lot after the concert when a terrible thought hit me – I was pretty sure I hadn’t turned the heat off under the eggs.   Oh no!  What if our townhome caught on fire?  What if we came back to the sight of fire trucks in front of our place? 

We spent a miserable hour before we finally arrived, opened the door and were assaulted by a horrifying sulfur smell!   Sure enough, I hadn’t turned the stove off; sure enough the eggs boiled dry, burnt the pan, eggs exploded all over the ceiling and the walls, and it was a wonder the place hadn’t totally been set ablaze after so many hours.

That’s the backdrop for the “egg disaster in Houston.”  It was bad, it was smelly, it took days to clean up, and it stayed in the “bad/stupid things you did” part of my brain.  If I hadn’t forgiven myself and redefined my “you mess-up all the time” identity, I would still be sabotaging any ideas of trying something new.

I’ve talked with clients who have struggled to change, who have to deal with past memories and messages saying, “you can’t do it.  You’ll just mess it up.”  One gal really struggled as a teenager and young adult, started drinking and using drugs and had an illegitimate child.  Her family bailed her out, and she began the slow, hard road to recovery.  When she started seeing me for counseling, she had started medication for her mental health disorder, had been clean and sober for several years and now had a job and was caring for her child. 

However, now she’s faced with “remember the egg disaster” mentality in her own mind and sadly, in the statements from her family who still don’t expect her to succeed.  And every time she forgets something, every time she flubs up, she feels once again like a failure, and her family believes that too.  She’s stuck and fearful of trying to go back to school or get her own place.  She can’t get beyond the “you’re a failure” time in her past. 

But who among us hasn’t made mistakes?  Who among us hasn’t experienced our own disasters because of something we did or didn’t do?  Everyone.   We all have them because none of us are perfect, no, not one! 

  I think too often we allow memories of past failures and mistakes keep us from trying something new, something that will catapult us into the next level of success.  We let our past sabotage our future.   

For me – it was worth it to hard boil the eggs in the oven.   Sure enough, that Facebook post was true – the eggs peeled easily; they tasted better and I’m so glad I just laughed about my former egg disaster and tried a new thing. 

I encourage you to do the same; don’t let your previous mistakes keep you from stepping out and trying something new.  I remember struggling with borrowing money to go to graduate school; that cost a lot of money, and I was still dealing with feelings of inadequacy – was I really worth thousands of dollars?  With a few words of encouragement from my husband, (“You need to poop or get off the pot” lol) and a determination to become a counselor, that dream became a reality.

And yours can become a reality too – you may need to get over that nagging, negative Nancy who says you can’t do it; you may need a little help from your friends; you may need to see a counselor.  Whatever you need to do, try a new recipe for your life.   

I think you’ll find difficulties peel away easier, success will taste sweet in your mouth, and you’ll wonder why you didn’t do it sooner