Venting – Is It Good or Bad?
I’ve always told the interns I supervised, “healing happens when people get to tell their story.”
Some researchers seem to disagree, however. Jeff Haden writes: “Why Science Says Emotionally Intelligent People Follow the Rule of No Complaints. When something bad happens, venting can actually make you feel worse – for days.”
To complain or not to complain, that is the question.
Venting – is it good or bad?
I’ve seen the results of “holding it all in.” My mother was 68 years old before she spoke up. Her father had physically and sexually assaulted her and all nine siblings. I finally understood why she and my aunts and uncles had issues. My mother suffered with stomach ulcers, back pain and mental distress. Her siblings became alcoholics or endured a variety of physical illnesses. One became a sexual perpetrator like his father.
No one talked about incest in those days.
The night she called us, my mother had suffered so long, she felt she was dying and urgently needed to speak out. She did. She vented – for l-l/2 hours.
After she did, healing began to happen.
Over the years, people have told me their stories; stories of abuse, stories of trauma, hurt and unimaginable pain. And when they finally let it all out, I see the relief and changes that start to occur. Yes, healing happens when people tell their stories.
Why then does science say emotionally intelligent people refuse to complain? How do they somehow stay positive and keep moving forward no matter what happens? And what’s wrong with complaining anyway?
“Discussing events immediately, during or after they occur forces the brain to re-live or ‘rehearse’ the negative emotional response,’ the researchers write. ‘This creates a stronger association in memory, exaggerating the influence of the emotional episode.” In other words, complaining about a negative event actually cements the incident in your mind. Instead of helping you to move on, complaining causes the negative feelings to bleed over into other areas of your life. Add it all up and complaining makes you feel worse today AND worse tomorrow.
So what’s the deal? Which is better? To vent or not to vent?
Venting to process events, to be heard, to find solutions, is helpful. For example, people talk to a counselor to:
· Obtain clarity about a situation
· Get unstuck
· Find a new direction
Complaining sucks you down into a deep pit. We’ve all heard people relate the same story again and again; it generally goes like this:
· I have it so bad,
· The world is a mess,
· Other people have done me wrong
Here’s what they need to know, however. People who complain experience worse moods, feel less satisfaction or pride in their work, feel less happy and experience poorer self-esteem.
Those who vent to move forward experience the opposite. They are happier, more resilient and remain positive in the midst of pain
This doesn’t mean the only response to a negative situation is to simply grin and bear it. Nor does it mean you just have to suck it up. Inc. writer Justin Bariso says, “Emotional intelligence ultimately means making your emotions work for you, not against you. So instead of wasting energy by complaining, blow off that steam by talking about how you’ll make things better. What you’ll do next time; what you won’t do next time.”
There’s a difference between venting and complaining.
Make staying positive a skill -- one you improve through practice and repetition.
And, Haden goes on to say, don’t stop there. When the people around you complain, listen. Empathize. And then help them shift their focus to finding ways to improve the situation. Because research also shows that when your friends feel happier and more productive, so do you.
Win-win.
