Three Things To Stop To Be An Effective Woman

3 Things To Start

Three Things To Stop:

2 Corinthians 5:17 – Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.  The old has gone; the new has come. 

  1.    Stop letting other people dictate how You feel about You.

Can happen – consciously – you’re very aware/hurt, etc. by what someone says about you – like my high school Home Economics teacher who said, “Barbra is an example of the way NOT to do this.” 

        Or unconsciously –which is actually more powerful – When my mother revealed her history of sexual abuse, she also helped me realize why my father held off being affectionate with me. He had promised his new bride, “you will never have to worry about that when we have children.” I recognized that unconsciously, I became “performance minded”  and a “people pleaser.” 

        Results of either/both:  always looking for others to help you feel good or OK about YOU.  You’re not self confident. 

 What is confidence, then? Confidence is not – “They will like me,” aka Sally Field, but rather…

 Confidence is:  “I’ll be fine if they don’t.”

Psychological term – External vs. internal validation

Everybody has their own insecurities about something.

        Look in the mirror – what do you notice?  Usually what’s “wrong” – what you don’t like about yourself.  And then you think everyone ELSE is looking at you.  Ann Landers said it this way many years ago: :

            At age 20, we worry about what other people think of us.

At age 40, we don’t care what they think of us.

At age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.

You know what I’ve discovered?  Even if people look at you, within 1-3 seconds, people go back to what they were doing.  Why?

Everyone’s busy with their own problems. 

In my book, “Yes! I Said No! - How To Set Healthy Boundaries and Increase Your Self Esteem,” I talk about developing thick, armor-plated skin and share my own example of this:in Chapter 10- (story of 2 people talking in hallway)

I discovered this truth: 

“Our worries aren’t supported by reality.”

People don’t judge you non-stop.  And even if they did, why do we assume they’d think negatively about us?  It might be good!

        How to STOP?  As I say in my book, 2 rules will help:

1.     If you can’t let the worry go within 24 hours, do something about it.

2.   Choose to assume people don’t think of you all the time and if even if they did, their thoughts would be nothing but positive. 

If you STOP the worry and replace it with a POSITIVE ASSUMPTION, (don’t leave a vacuum) – new neural pathways in your brain develop, taking you down a different track.

The Second STOP

(2)      Stop Looking For What’s Wrong

Imagine you’re living in caveman days.  The men are out hunting and the women are left to tend the fire, watch after the kids and also keep an eye out for any hungry animals lurking around, just waiting for a chance to grab a chunk of meat roasting or maybe even to drag away a small child.  You have to be watching for danger all the time!  And women, with their brains wired to do several things at once, rise to the occasion! 

Fast forward to today, add 24-hour news programs focusing on the ills of society, and social media posts which quickly spread the word about others’ success by which we negatively compare ourselves and it’s no wonder we look for what’s wrong!  We assume if we can fix what’s wrong, we’ll be happy. 

        Wrong!  We can’t fix anyone (that includes our husbands and kids) and we wind up feeling disappointed and discouraged.  Marriage studies have revealed an interesting 90:10 ratio in marriages.  90% of the time we like our partner, 90% of the time we appreciate our lives, but what about that 10%?  That’s the hubby who doesn’t get the “honey-do” list done when you think he should, who never learns there’s a “right” way (your way, of course) to load the dishwasher, or other very important “stuff.” 

        I believe that same ratio exists in our world in general, because we’ve been taught to think this way. From the time we’re students who are told that yes, that B is ok but couldn’t you have done a little more and gotten an A?  If we get feedback, even if most of it’s good, what do we gravitate toward?  The one negative comment. 

        Are we doomed to keep looking for what’s wrong?  What’s not enough?  What’s not yet done?  We even complain to God that things are not happening as soon as we think they should! 

        I have to remember something I posted the other day:  “Most things worth having usually take longer than we thought they would, and are more difficult than we think we can endure.” 

        Vow today that you will follow Paul’s advice:  “Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”  (Philippians 4:7)
 

 3.   Stop being afraid – to face the past, to have a dream, to ask for what you want. 

Lessons from Bees

At the beginning of the year, Pastor Toure’ Roberts shared his vision for 2018 –

Thinking Big:

• We are a big church

• Focused on the big picture

• Building big people

• Making a big impact

Pastor Toure’, of course, was specifically referring to the Potter’s House, but we’re all here to make a difference in the kingdom of God, and there have been and will be many opportunities to do just that. 

I will always remember the woman who said, “I attended class on Tuesday, and I read your daily reflection. Last Sunday I wanted to end it all but I went to church instead.”   A life saved!  Now that’s a big impact!  And no matter where you are or what you’re doing, you influence those around you. 

That’s why we do what we do - and how we impact people’s lives in a big way. And maybe we’ll hear about some of those impactful things we do; others we may never hear about but we serve, and we plant, and we sow. In the end, we’ll be building those big people and making a big impact in our families, our city and our world.

• Something I read the other day says it well, and I call it “learning from bees.” Every creature in a beehive, every single honey bee, has a purpose — a role it follows its entire life. Guard bees protect the hives, nurse bees take care of the babies, and architect bees build the hive’s hexagon structure, making it mathematically perfect in every way. There are even undertaker bees who remove the dead from the hive and fly 100 yards to dispose of the bodies.

• Certainly, humans have purpose in their lives. But why are bees so single-minded and committed to that purpose? It isn’t just for the good of the queen. It’s for the good of each other, for their whole community. That’s us — we’re here for the good of each other, for the whole community.

You’re here to make a difference!

3 Things To Stop; 3 Things To Start To Be A Highly Effective Woman

3 Things To Stop; 3 Things To Start To Be A Highly Effective Woman

Outline:     

2 Corinthians 5:17 – Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.  The old has gone; the new has come.

3 Things To Stop

 1.    Stop letting others dictate how YOU feel about YOU

2.   Stop looking for what’s wrong – even though we’re wired that way

3.   Stop being afraid – to face the past, to have a dream, to ask for what you want. 

3 Things to Start

1.    Start training others (yes, training – not teaching) how to treat you

2.   Start celebrating when you make a change – it affects the brain

3.   Start focusing on the 90% - The power of positive thinking

www.BarbraRussell.com

The one most powerful thing you can do for someone

Whether it's in a counseling setting, in your marriage, or if you're visiting with a friend, here's the one most powerful thing you can do for that person.  Check out this short video to find out:

https://www.facebook.com/barbra.e.russell/posts/10210790934112265

Brain Power!

For our brain, there's no difference between reality and imagination. Our brain reacts to every thought and cannot tell a fact from a fantasy. This is why people looking at the world through rose colored glasses feel happier, and this is why our body accepts a placebo as a real pharmaceutical product. 

Do you hang on to known misery rather than reach out for unknown happiness?

Do You Hang On To Known Misery Rather Than Reach Out For Unknown Happiness? 

                During July, I watched “The Sons of Liberty,” historical stories about a group of men fighting in the American Colonies for freedom.  It brought to life figures like John Adams, John Hancock, George Washington and Benjamin Franklin, those US founding fathers we usually see depicted as older, bewigged and solemn as they’re signing the Declaration of Independence.  

  This series, however, shows young, courageous and seemingly fearless men determined to break away from a far-away king’s rule, British corruption and “taxation without representation.”  They were called “The Sons of Liberty.”  

In the TV depiction Samuel Adams, cousin to the more well-known John Adams, is a hero who found his calling as colonial activist, motivating and inspiring others to rebel against the British.  While admiring his dashing acts of bravery, I was struck by this thought:  today, we might not be physically fighting for our freedom, but we often wage war in our minds.  We need freedom; we metaphorically cry: “give me liberty or give me death!”  We can relate to Samuel Adams and The Sons Of Liberty.

•          Like us, I imagine Samuel Adams often thought, “I can’t,” “why me?” or “this isn’t fair!” 
•         Samuel was unsuccessful as a businessman in colonial Boston.  Who among us hasn’t faced defeat in a business opportunity or lost a job?  At those times, we might mumble as perhaps Samuel did, “I tried it and it didn’t work.” 
•         Samuel experienced dissatisfaction with his life in general.  Perhaps, like us, he woke up one morning to discover he had turned into the wrong person. 
•         Samuel was driven by desperation – he was broke – when he took on the unpopular task of tax collector for the British.  Although it’s been almost 250 years since the Sons of Liberty spearheaded the cause for liberty, I think at one time or another we all find ourselves feeling desperate.  I know I have.  I remember times filled with hopelessness, anxiety and despair when I was ill and jobless or when I was facing a life without one of my legs.

However, something interesting happened as Samuel Adams reluctantly collected taxes; he began to see a clear pattern of British corruption that did not sit well with him!  That immense dissatisfaction and sense of outrage ultimately led to his playing a significant role in “The Boston Tea Party,” and “The American Revolution.” 

Almost 150 years later, Oswald Chambers penned words that Samuel Adams would undoubtedly have embraced and that we identify with today: “We lose interest and give up when we have no vision, no encouragement, and no improvement, but only experience our every-day life with its trivial tasks.”  Sometimes, like Samuel Adams, we just need a purpose.

In the war of our minds, we also experience times of overwhelming situations and wonder, “what on earth are you doing, God?”  We ask, “what possible good could come from such a horrible break-up, loss of a job, or devastating illness?”  If we’re honest, we get mad at God, upset with the world and are disappointed with ourselves for getting into such a mess. 

With the advantage of hindsight, we’ll later say things like, “Oh! That’s why I got so discouraged!”  Or, “Now I see what God had in mind; it was better for me to go through that situation.”   But usually, the first insight comes as we, like Samuel, start to dislike the way things are.  From that uncomfortable place, when we’ve had enough, we’re ready to do something different. 

That’s the beginning of the battle in our minds.  We long to step out of our comfort zone and react differently or try new things. But the part of our brain which seeks familiarity; which hangs on to known misery rather than seek unknown happiness, demands comfort, not challenge. 

      The first skirmish is the decisive one.  We struggle with how it’s always been, what we’ve always done and who we’ve always thought we were.  But when the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the fear of change, we are ready to brawl. There may be more battles to face, more obstacles to conquer, but we’re on the way. 

And just as Samuel Adams and “The Sons of Liberty” brought freedom to our land, we can bring freedom to our minds. 

True Love, Marriage Advice and Wisdom of the Years

My nephew and niece's daughter (does that make her my grand niece?) is getting married this month and I was asked to provide some marriage advice for the newlyweds.

In my years as a counselor, teacher and married woman myself, I thought this would be good to pass on:

To The Groom: Remember to step up and speak up; it's important to say what's on your mind, whether that's how much you love her or how much something is bothering you. Both pay off in the long run! It's also important to keep doing the things which made her fall in love with you, so if you need to set a reminder on your calendar for 6 months or 6 years from now, you'll still be planning special occasions, or sending flowers or whatever it is you do!

To The Bride: For most women, we have to remember to shut up! Because of the way we're wired, we tend to look for what's wrong and what needs to be fixed and point that out -- and keep pointing it out! But men will begin to shut down and not talk about real things if they feel whatever they say will be criticized or whatever they do is never enough.

Here's wishing you will both experience many years of love, happiness, respect and honor.

#truelove #marriageadvice #wisdomofmanyyears

Transition and Stress

      Everyone will experience change, a transition, at one time or another.  

There is nothing so consistent as change

                During a time of transition, people normally experience stress because our brains and entire beings seek homeostasis, a survival mechanism.  We want things to stay the same.  here are some helpful tips to deal with transitions and the accompanying stress. 

                 We can help others – and us – by doing three things:

1.  Normalize This Time – People are not crazy; it’s normal to feel a whole range of emotions during this time.  From depression, anger, sadness, & disappointment to confusion and triggers which remind us of previous trauma and loss; it’s all normal

2.  Grieving The Loss – We all go through the stages of grief because in transition, we always lose something.  As in the death of a loved one, the stages apply here as well:  Shock and denial, anger and depression come and go as we grieve.  Just when we think we’ve successfully navigated one stage, we find ourselves back in the same feelings.  Again, that’s normal.  Grieving is crazy-making!  We eventuallymove to acceptance with sadness for the loss.

3.  Process The Feelings – It’s important that people don’t stuff all that grief and emotions but rather have opportunity to process, or talk about, the change in a healthy manner.  We can help by using the following skills:

•  Create Safety – Provide confidentiality; knowing what they share with you won’t go any further.

•  Listen without judgment – paraphrase the content and feeling; they will feel understood.  “i.e.,  “I hear you saying you feel pretty angry about this.” 

• What NOT To say: 
   
• • Just trust God
  • Look on the bright side
  • I conquered it this way
  • Just read and pray more
  • Or any other “advice-giving” statements.  Unsolicited advice is like chopped liver – not appreciated. 

Want to Live to be 100? Live in a House With Stairs!

  Want to live to be 100?  Live in a house with stairs!

As you can see, I’m standing on the stairs of our house.  Well, I love our home and I’ve come to love our stairs.  But it wasn’t always that way.  When we were looking for a house, we weren’t looking for a house with stairs.  We were looking for a rancher!  We were thinking, “Oh, as we get older, we want things to be flat, on one level.  We don’t want any problems, and we certainly don’t want stairs!”

But before we came to look at this house, our realtor said, “Do you know what people who live to be 100 have in common?  They all live in houses with stairs!”  Hah!  Smart realtor, huh?

But that made me stop and think about it.  I said to myself: “Hey!  Let me look at this a little differently!  You know, I could maybe run up and down these stairs, or at least walk up them!  And if that keeps me in shape, I could go for living to be 100!”

And that’s when it hit me—that’s how we are in life.  We want no obstacles, no problems.  We want smooth sailing, we want ranchers!  But that’s not the way God made us to live, as evidenced by the fact that I bet not one of you has escaped having problems in your life!

Rather, when He made us, he designed us to grow, to become better today than we were yesterday.  The bad news, if you want to look at it that way, is this simple fact:  we need difficulties to overcome, we need fears to face and we need to figure out obstacles.  Because, as Romans 5:3-4 says:  “…..tribulation produces perseverance, and perseverance, character, and character, hope.”

I think the writer was basically saying, “yes, you’ll have problems, but it’s going to create some good things in you!”   So, from that point of view, it’s really good news, even though most of us don’t “consider it all joy when we face trials,” as James wrote.

However, as we tackle those difficulties, and we don’t give up in spite of being afraid or discouraged, little by little, we learn and we grow.  As a result, our faith and confidence grows.

Every time we learn something, every time we’ve grown a bit, we become more of who God has designed us to be.  And remember, we’re the ones who win when we become the person we’re designed to be!

So I encourage you today—don’t be afraid to take that opportunity just because it has challenges.  Don’t be afraid of the obstacles in your life; just look at them in a different way.  Say to yourself, “these are the stairs that are going to keep me going, that are going to help me in many ways.”

And hey!  Let’s live to be 100--We just have to look at stairs a different way!

What Samuel and I learned from A Horse

    What 10-year old boy wouldn’t love to have a horse, or at least ride one?  Even in this day of video games and action figure heroes, most 10-year old children are mesmerized by dreams of riding a mighty steed! Young Samuel was no exception.  He imagined himself riding like the wind, one with the horse, like Kelly Reno’s character Alec in the movie “The Black Stallion.”

The major problem with that scenario?  He didn’t have a horse.

What he did have were some pretty troublesome issues.  Samuel had ADHD, many behavioral problems and was often the identified trouble-maker in school.  In spite of medication and regular visits to the school counselor, Samuel never seemed to improve. Equine therapy was recommended, probably seen as a last-resort effort to the adults around him, but to Samuel it meant he could be with a horse!

After hearing about Samuel, I was eager to learn more about Equine Therapy.  Here are some fascinating facts:

To protect themselves from predators, horses stay in herds and are very sensitive to their surroundings.  These enormous animals quickly pick up on a human’s emotions, so when Samuel first marched through the horse barn, with his racing thoughts, feelings and behaviors, you can imagine the jittery turmoil that created!

Despite his eagerness and impulsive wish to jump right on one of the massive animals, Samuel had some things to learn.  His first assignment was to stay outside the corral and observe.  He was to notice how the horses acted.  He was surprised to see some very human-like behavior.  He observed one who was clearly the leader and some horses seemed to protect others in the herd.

Next, before he could ever go inside the corral, Samuel was told he had to become very calm, so as not to spook the horses.  And, he was taught to calm himself by taking some deep breaths.  While most people can learn to become quiet and still after a few repetitions of breathing deeply through the nose and letting the breath out slowly through the mouth, it took Samuel about 15 sets to become relaxed.

Already, he had acquired a couple of skills which will help him navigate life with its stresses;

• He learned to wait and first observe situations and
• He learned how to calm himself.

Next up – matching a horse and client.  In Equine Assisted Therapy, the client does not choose the horse--the horse chooses the client.  This selection process comes after the client—Samuel in this case, calms himself then sits down with his back to the horses.  Frankly, that sounds scary to me, an adult!  I couldn’t begin to imagine what a hyper little kid might feel.  You are making yourself totally vulnerable to an animal that weighs over 1,000 pounds!  That process, however, produces a third skill:

• Learning to Trust

Out in the meadow, a now-curious horse slowly ambles over.  And something beautiful happens.  It will gently nudge or snuffle the seated person in a process Equine Therapists call “joining.”  When the horse chooses the client, they connect and are “joined.”  Now additional work can begin with the two of them.

There are other competencies developed as the boy cared for the horse, such as building confidence and self esteem and over a period of six months, Samuel began to change.  He grew, matured and progressed so well that the big day came:  Samuel’s dream came true.  He became One With The Horse, and he rode like the wind!   Along the way he also began performing well at school and home because he was using all the skills he had learned with his own special horse.

Most of us won’t likely participate in Equine Therapy, but we can still benefit from Samuel’s experience.

• While there are times we might need to act quickly, most of the time we will profit by Learning to wait and first observe situations.
• Likewise, there are many times we need to calm ourselves. Most of the things we get so perturbed about turn out not nearly as catastrophic as we imagine!  Take a deep breath for 15 times in a row and see if you don’t think a bit more clearly!  Make a plan, take a walk or do whatever helps you calm down. 
• Lastly, when I think of learning to trust, I contemplate learning to trust God. Often, that’s the hardest job.  We figuratively sit ourselves down in a meadow, make ourselves vulnerable and wait.  We’re not in control of how long it takes and often wonder whether He’ll come.

The good news is God has already chosen us; often He’s just waiting for us to wait, calm down and choose to trust! 

Even after an absence, Samuel’s horse remembered him.  God is the same way – He’ll always remember us and has promised to help when we ask, give us strength when we’re weary and make a way where there seems to be no way!

Samuel experienced a dream come true – he became One With The Horse.  What an awesome encounter we can have with God as we become One With Him. 

WHAT IF WE'D BEEN FIGHTING?

j&B in cafe

“You never know…… We have been going to the same restaurant for many years and a worker there often commented about being scared to be married. This morning, we were complemented to hear her say that because she had been watching us, she decided it was OK to get married. She announced her engagement to us today. You never know how you are going to impact someone's life, just by living your own.”

After I posted the above paragraph on Facebook, people posted some additional comments and scriptures which led to more reflection.

• Matthew 5:16- “Let your light so shine before men, that they may…glorify your Father in Heaven.”
• “Living your life out loud”
• “People are watching how you live life. 1 Peter 2:16 – Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God.”

Nobody said it, but I thought it:  What if We’d Been Fighting?  What if We'd Been Looking At Our Phones and Ignoring Each Other? What if We’d Been Calling Each Other Down and Acting Disrespectfully?

Like most couples, we’ve been guilty of those things in our marriage; I doubt there’s a perfect relationship on the face of the earth.  But, what if we had done those things in the restaurant?  Would that worker still have a bad feeling about marriage?  I bet she would have.  Would she have changed her perspective, then changed her plans for her own life?  Possibly.

Because here’s a truth I know -- every choice you make changes the road you are on and sets your direction.  And how often do our choices affect the choices made by others?  Probably more than we realize.  We won’t always be told that we’ve impacted someone’s life.  But we do.

My husband and I have been Christians most of our lives, and we even work in a church!  So we’re expected, and we expect of ourselves, to lead by exemplary example there.  It’s not just leaders, however who look good at church!   Most people have a “Sunday-go-to-meeting” outfit and a “Sunday-go-to-meeting” outlook.

Often, however, we don’t think about our behavior at the grocery store, a football game or at a local restaurant.

What if someone is watching us there?  What if what you do Monday through Friday is being observed by your co-workers?  You can bet it is!

We impact others’ lives, just by living our own. 

We Have Met The Enemy and He is Us!

We Have Met The Enemy, and He Is Us! “If you’re going to be successful, you have to have thick skin! You know, that ability to withstand criticism and hurtful comments about who you are and what you do.”

That statement is from a blog I recently wrote called “Grow thick, armor-plated skin.” And I discussed ways to deal with the barbs, criticisms and judgments directed toward us from others.

However, I realized there’s another, perhaps even more important, truth related to growing thick, armor-plated skin. We need to protect us from us! Or, as the cartoon strip “Pogo” declared in 1970: “We Have Met the Enemy and He Is Us.”

We can be our own worst critics, thinking and often saying things like:

• “I’m not smart enough, pretty enough, fit enough, talented enough, etc. Basically, “I’m not good enough.”
• “It’s not going to happen for me, no use in trying.”

Examples of this type of thinking go all the way back to Biblical times. Moses was chosen by God for a special task—to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. And one of his first tasks was to confront Pharaoh. But Moses said, “since I speak with faltering lips, why would Pharaoh listen to me?....O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.”  Basically, he was saying: “God I can’t do that. I don’t have what it takes.”

But Moses had a job to do and God wasn’t going to let him talk himself out of his assignment – he needed to speak up and lead the Israelites to the Promised Land!

We, like Moses, have something to do here on earth, a purpose for our lives. And we must not let those inner voices, fears or doubts stop us!

Lisa, a young lady in one of our counseling training classes, declared she was very shy and privately let me know that she could not speak up in class. She kept saying she had stage fright, she wasn’t good with people, etc. (She probably identified with Moses!) While I respected her wishes and did not call on her, it was interesting to see what began to happen. She came to every class, sat quietly and absorbed every word.

Gradually you could see her becoming more comfortable and then one day it happened! She raised her hand and made a comment!

From that day forward, she began to come out of her shell like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon. She responded to the class challenge to “step out of your comfort zone” and today, she is teaching in a foreign country, a confident, well-spoken ambassador for God and the US. She has developed thick, armor-plated skin for herself!

Let me share some of the principles Lisa learned in class:

• Stop Comparing Yourself With Others

Albert Einstein stated: “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

Steve Furtick, Christian author, puts it this way: “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.”

When you compare yourself with others, you are indeed acting as your own worst enemy.

Instead, celebrate you and your unique assets, abilities, strengths and gifts. Write down five of them right now to get started! You can also study what God says about you in the Bible. I have a list of 38 scriptures declaring who you are. If you’d like a copy, send me a note.

• Think and speak differently

Here are three declarations I make each morning:

“This is the day the Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it!”

“I feel happy; I feel healthy; I feel terrific!”

“Every day in every way I’m getting better and better!”

• Declare your progress, not your limitations

“When I read or hear something new that will help me, I write it down and practice it as soon as I can.”

“I’m developing networks in my field.”

“Maybe it didn’t work this time, but I’m going to keep trying.”

“God, I’m going to do the best job I can do, then leave the rest to you.”

When you (1) stop comparing yourself with others, (2) think and speak differently and (3) declare your progress, not your limitations, you will certainly develop thick, armor-plated skin for yourself.  As you do, it will change how you deal with adversity, set-backs and discouragement.  Instead of being “your own worst enemy” and feeling hopeless, helpless or worthless, you start becoming “your own best cheerleader!”

            Decide today that even if long ago someone made you feel “not good enough,” you are determined to meet the enemy and defeat him.  If Moses and Lisa can do it, so can you!!

Turn The Ship Around! Part II - Invest In Yourself

“Turn The Ship Around”

If you looked in the dictionary under “angry man,” you would likely see a picture of the man in my office who sat across from me. His body was uptight, he wore an intense frown and with clipped words began to list all the reasons he was entitled to be angry.   “I have never been appreciated,” he announced. “I’m the one who’s always being blamed for things not my fault.” As he continued to catalog all the wrongs in his life, it was clear this man believes the world is against him and to say he has a negative mind-set is an understatement!

As he told his story of a troubled childhood, failed relationships and difficulties keeping a job, I could quickly see the impact of all that negativity on his life! As a counselor, I knew he needed to feel a little bit of hope! Therefore, before we started probing into the reasons for all that anger, I acknowledged he must feel like he’s all alone on a ship in the middle of a storm. However, I went on, “Even in the midst of a storm, you can turn the ship around!”

He quickly and loudly declared he wasn’t just in a storm; he was in the middle of a tsunami! And, he wasn’t so sure about his being able to turn anything around. He, like so many people, felt certain his circumstances needed to change; that others should treat him differently, etc. That belief, of course, left him feeling helpless and out of control. No wonder he was so angry!

I then shared some good news with him:

Many years ago, the philosopher James Allen penned these words: “Order your thoughts and you will order your life. Pour the oil of tranquility upon the turbulent waters of the passions and prejudices, and the tempests of misfortune will be powerless to wreck the ship of your soul.” In other words, this man’s life can be transformed by the renewing of his mind - Romans 12.

“Angry man” will surely benefit as well from the teaching found in Philippians 4:8: “…think on things which are true, noble, just, pure, lovely, of good report. If there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy, meditate on these things.”

I was also able to inform him that medical science is now offering proof of these Biblical truths. Indeed, as Proverbs declares: “As a man thinketh, so is he.” As we think, we change the physical nature of our brain. Dr. Caroline Leaf talks about this process: “As you think, you choose and you cause genetic expression to happen in your brain. This means you make proteins, and these proteins form your thoughts. Thoughts are real, physical things that occupy mental real estate.”

Because I know the importance of these scriptural and medical truths, I asked him to think of two or three things he might be grateful for, even now.  As you might imagine, however, he struggled to come up with even one! His thoughts had for so long been ones of depression and disappointment, it was clear that changing their direction would be like turning a big ship around in the middle of the ocean!

While most people won’t likely sink to the level of despair as “angry man,” it is the rare person indeed who hasn’t struggled to follow the scriptural principle to renew your mind and think on things which are true, noble, just, pure, lovely, of good report….If there is anything praiseworthy, think on these things.

Have you ever thought of turning off the TV as an empowering action for your mind? A way to “renew your mind?” In this age of constant broadcasts as close as your phone, rest assured you will most often hear what’s wrong with the world. It’s difficult to trust God for your healing when you’re regularly instructed to buy the latest pharmaceutical miracle medication because otherwise you will surely be struck with some horrific disease! There is certainly a place for modern medicine and medication, thank God! I’m just saying we can set ourselves up for all sorts of problems when we primarily hear about all the brokenness in the world and we neglect the renewing of our minds.  

When, however, we regularly invest in our minds, there are wonderful benefits! One excellent way to renew your mind is to practice gratitude. Psalms 118:24 instructs us to declare: “This is the day the Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it!” Interestingly, as soon as you start to feel grateful for what you already have, more good things will come your way. That’s because our mindset begins to change. As we practice gratefulness, we train our brains to move in positive directions. And good things are found in positive directions!

Similar to the advantages experienced by breathing deeply for your body’s benefit, let’s look at the medical benefits of gratitude for your mind’s benefit.

• Being grateful 15 minutes a day raises antibodies.
• Grateful people are less vulnerable to clinical depression
• Expressing appreciation instead of anger, frustration or worry improves blood and heart rate.

One woman expressed those benefits this way: “I began to put into practice the

idea of saying that this would be a good day the minute I woke up. And I can positively say that I have not had a bad or upsetting day since then. The amazing thing is that my days actually haven’t been any smoother or anymore free from petty annoyances than they were, but they just don’t seem to have the power to upset me anymore. Then every night I list all the things for which I am grateful, little things that happened during the day which added to my happiness. I know that this habit has geared my mind to pick out the nice things and forget the unpleasant ones. The fact that for six weeks I’ve not had a single bad day is really marvelous to me!”

I think she learned to turn the ship around! You can too! I challenge you to declare in the morning, “This is the day the Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it!” Then, at the end of the day, think of at least three good things that happened that day. You will start to feel the difference, see the difference and you will find your mind on a different course – you’ve turned the ship around!

Try Something New To Take Care of You

"To Be Successful, You Must Invest In Yourself."   You've probably heard that before, but what does it really mean?   If you're going to accomplish all you were meant to do, enjoy a sense of purpose and "be all you can be," you must Invest In Yourself.  And your first investment should be taking care of your body.

Try Something New To Take Care Of You 

You don't have to look far to find diet plans, pills and supplements which promise to make your body better than ever!  And, every January you will find gyms and health clubs filled to capacity with determined overweight and out-of-shape new members!  Unfortunately, however, by May or June the crowds diminish and those New Year's Resolutions to have thinner, stronger, more flexible bodies are displaced by the busyness of every-day life.

Consistency Is The Key To Change

I have found the real key to making lasting change, whether that's taking care of your body, your mind, your finances, your career, or your relationships, is consistency.  And if you're going to be consistent, you need motivation but you also need to be realistic!  Just ask those January goal-setting, purpose-driven men and women who don't make it to December!

 Two Minutes A Day

Here's an example of something you can do for your body that requires only two minutes but reaps much more in benefits:  Deep Breathing.

Take two minutes every morning to breathe deeply, all the way down to your abdomen.   Fill your lungs with clean air, hold it, then exhale out completely.  Repeat.  After just a couple of minutes, you will feel a difference.  In addition, medical research has shown some proven benefits of regular deep breathing:

• Releases toxins in your body
• Releases tension
• Relaxes mind/body and brings clarity
• Oxygenation of the brain reduces excessive anxiety
• Relieves pain
• Strengthens immune system
• Improves posture
• Strengthens the lungs and makes the heart stronger
• Helps with weight control

Wow!  Do you see how a two-minute investment such as deep breathing pays huge returns?  Instead of sleeping late, rushing to get ready and and then rushing off to work, try something new to take care of you.  Tell yourself, "This will only take two minutes.  I can spare two minutes!"   Then take some deep breaths and think about all the benefits you are giving your body.

After you've consistently practiced deep breathing for a few weeks, you will start to feel and see the difference.  Not only will your body thank you; your self-confidence will grow.  When you've exercised such self-discipline, pat yourself on the back (literally and/or figuratively) and feel proud of yourself!

As you do, you'll activate some new brain-wave patterns.  Because when you link an event (breathing deeply) with a strong emotion (feeling proud of yourself and dancing around the room in joy) those two get linked in your brain.  The positive association creates a desire to repeat that good experience.  (Think Pavlov's dogs!)  Fairly quickly, what you had to force yourself to accomplish through discipline will become almost automatic.

Try Something New To Take Care of You -- it's just two minutes! And with those two minutes, you've started  --- a pathway to success!

Think Small!

 Think Small           

Let me give you two words which are the key to success -- THINK SMALL! I can just hear many of you now as you exclaim – Wait a minute! I thought we were supposed to think big and have bigger-than-life dreams and a gigantic vision! If you’ve read any of the ever-popular “how to succeed” books or heard many motivational speakers, that is, in fact, the message you will most often hear – Think Big!

Now, I must admit I believe there are really four words which lead to success – Dream Big; Think Small. You must indeed have a dream which requires you to stretch, grow and get out of your comfort zone.

I once heard a wonderful statement: “The greatest achievement was at first and for a time a dream…dreams are the seedlings of realities.” So yes, you must first spend some time visualizing, desiring and prayerfully asking for your dream to come true!

However, many people can get overwhelmed at the magnitude of a big dream. Let’s say you want to start your own business. That’s awesome! And it’s also a Big Dream. You can quickly become stuck in all the thoughts, doubts and questions which come rushing to your mind. “Do I have enough money?” “Will people actually buy what I’m selling?” “How will I plan and market?”

Often, the interns I supervise want to open a counseling practice after graduating with their Master’s Degree in Counseling. As soon as they’ve stated their goal, it seems they encounter such seemingly huge questions and obstacles very quickly.   From there, procrastinating quickly becomes very appealing! And before you know it, that dream has taken a back seat to daily living and finding a job just to make money.

So, I advise them to do what I’m encouraging you to look at here; think small - start with an action to be taken today or this week.

A good way to remember the steps involved in thinking small is to look at the acronym SPAM. Yes, looking at that can of potted meat can help you get started. Here’s what the letters stand for:

                                                                                      S = Small and Specific                 

                                                                                  P = Practical

                                                                                  A = Achievable

                                                                                  M = Measurable

A counseling intern with the goal to start a counseling business can use this in the following way:

S = Small & Specific:   This week, I will talk to a therapist who’s already established a counseling practice.

P = Practical questions to answer include the well-known journalism questions: who, what, where, when, how?

•  Who? Identify the counselor
•  What? Set up an appointment to interview that person.
•  Where? Will you take them to lunch? Or you could meet for coffee or come to the established counselor’s office.
•  When? Determine the best time to meet, as well as the amount of time he or she has available.
•   How? Write down questions you wish to have answered – come prepared!

A = Achievable = Knowing yourself as you do, is this goal achievable? If you have something else going on this week, it’s not – and you will need to come up with an alternative.

M = Measurable = At this time, you’ve moved beyond the “thinking” stage, and your action steps need to be measurable. You might want to enlist the help of someone to keep you accountable.

From that first week of action, the intern can set up the next goal to be achieved, step by step. The journey of a thousand steps just started, and the dream of becoming a practicing therapist is beginning to unfold!

No matter what you want to achieve, remember this:

Dream Big; Think Small and SPAM goals are a good way to get started!

What do you do when you don't know what to do? Steps 3-5

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO?

 Step 3: Take A Risk

When the future is unknown, stepping out in faith can be a scary thing. (It was for me!) Even if you’ve identified gifts and applied what you know, you still have to face many unknowns! But stepping out of your comfort zone to try something new can lead to rewarding results!

“Susan” started working out at the gym as a way to deal with anxiety and stress. However, because of her anxiety, she was very uncomfortable around other people, and going to a gym was definitely stepping out of her comfort zone! However, she not only found it helped manage her worries, but stated she took to it “like a fish to water.” She also quickly discovered that when she focused on exercising, she didn’t think about her social phobia. She faced her fear, which led to her running a marathon, losing over 100# and ultimately teaching a class at that gym. Susan took a risk – and she was ecstatic that she did!

Step 4: Sometimes You’re Right; Sometimes You’re Not.

In life, when you take a chance, you might fail. Or you might quickly succeed. More than likely though, you, like most successful people, will experience some set-backs before you’re where you want to be. What do Henry Ford, Bill Gates and Walt Disney have in common? They failed many times before they succeeded!

It’s true there are no guarantees, but “nothing ventured, nothing gained,” as the old saying goes. Why, then, is “venturing” often so difficult?

Some people can’t stand the thought of being wrong and just get frozen with fear. Their imagination begins to work over-time and they foresee all sorts of dire consequences if they step out into the unknown.

To overcome such anxiety, it helps to think through the “worst-case scenario.” You ask yourself, “If the worst happened, what would I do? How would I react?” In Susan’s case, she came up with a back-up plan. “If I get to the gym and feel so anxious I can’t stay, I’ll go home.” Having a back-up plan gave her the confidence to keep going to the gym. And guess what? Susan never had to use her back-up plan!

Step 5: Find Your Way Step By Step

An exciting thing happens when you begin to see what God had planned for you all along!

Two years before moving to Denver, my husband and I began to feel change was in the air. My husband began to paint and prepare our house to sell, and I checked into joining a speaker’s bureau, as I was ready to branch out from my private counseling practice in Pueblo, and start giving workshops and seminars. We mentioned to our in-laws in Denver what we were feeling.

A few months later, my brother in law asked if I wanted to come to Denver to establish a counseling ministry at a church there. He told us, “If you hadn’t mentioned a possible move, I would never have asked you, as I thought you guys were firmly established in Pueblo.” We began to see that surely our steps were ordered by God, as small steps led to others!

And for me - this was something different – a risk, for sure! But I decided to take the challenge and I’m so glad I did!

As we look back now, we saw God’s hand moving us to Denver, step by step. We couldn’t see the end result, but God had a plan.

So what do you do when you don’t know what to do?

Let’s review the steps covered in these three blog postings:

• Ask God to direct you
• Start to use what you’ve been given (your gifts, talents and abilities. See Blog #1 to figure out how to discover your gifts)
• Go with what you know – See Blog #2 to review personality traits
• Take a Risk – Stepping out of your comfort zone can be scary but rewarding

When you don’t know what to do, you can start by following the guidelines in this series of blogs. In a year from now, you’ll be able to look back and say, “look how far I’ve come!”

What Do you Do? Go With What You Know - Step 2

What Do You Do When You Don’t Know What To Do?

Step 2 – Go With What You Know

             What things do you know about yourself? Are you an extrovert or an introvert? Do you have a dominant personality and step right up to take charge? You might consider yourself an influential, inspiring person who can sell ice to Eskimos, as the saying goes! Perhaps your strength is being a team player or maybe you’re excellent with details!

Such personality traits can be discovered by a strengths assessment inventory, like the DISC. I enjoy using the DISC because it’s easy to associate the four major attributes of someone’s personality to the letters.

        D = Dominant, direct – these are “big picture” people

        I = Influence, inspiration – the “fun lovers” who love people

        S = Stability, security – they will listen and provide safety

        C = Conscientious, careful – great with details

        While there’s a lot involved in the thorough discovery of your particular make-up, here’s a couple of examples and general observations to help you go with what you know about you:

Since I know my two dominant DISC personality traits are “I” and “D,” I’ve learned that when I need to work with figures or get a research project done, I have to consciously make lists, set deadlines, or – my favorite choice – get someone who has an “S” or “C” personality to help me out!!

My husband is an “S” -“C” combination – of course! Haven’t you heard that opposites attract? We laughingly refer to his “S” characteristic as “The Saint”  because he can get along with almost anyone! And guess who handles the money in our household? My husband, of course! That’s one of his strong points.

        Knowing your primary personality strengths and weaknesses is key to really knowing you.  

         In addition, recognizing whether you’re an extrovert or an introvert can help when you’re trying to choose the right path.

An extroverted person is energized by being around a lot of people, noise and activity.   And, introverts recharge their batteries by spending time alone or taking a nap.

Think of times when you’ve used your strengths. Do you have a knack for working with kids? When you hang out with them, does a crowd gather? Perhaps you are a great listener and people just seem to tell you things they’ve never told another soul.   Is there a counselor inside you just waiting to be released?  Often, people realize they already know about addictions because of their own family dynamics.

And sometimes you’ll learn things through “the school of hard knocks.”  Have you ever said, “Well, that’s a mistake I’ll never make again!” You’ve learned something through that experience that adds to what you know and who you’ve become.

        What do you do when you don’t know what to do?

1.   Start with what you’ve been given (see previous blog)
2.   Go with what you know

Join me next time as I discuss step 3:

3. Take a risk

What Do You Do When You Don't Know What To Do?

What Do You Do When You Don’t Know What To Do?

Have you ever felt stuck? Perhaps you don’t like your job and your job doesn’t like you! Maybe you have a dream or goal but don’t know the next step to take. And you’ve prayed for direction, but no answer appears. I think we’ve all been in such predicaments at some time or other—I know I have! It’s frustrating to say the least, and can really shake your faith at times. Let me share some of the experiences and guidelines I’ve found to be helpful:

1. Start With What You’ve Been Given –

I’ve always been a gal who talked a lot – but I never thought that was a gift! When people said, “You have a way with words,” I didn’t think that was anything special. However, that “way with words” provided an answer at a time when I asked: “What Do I Do now?”

As it turns out, God’s reply was to show me He has given me an ability, a talent, a gift –--- of talking! Go figure!

I started using that “way with words” when I began teaching my clients skills and techniques in the counseling office. The more I did this, the more my clients reported it was helpful. And the more I enjoyed it as well! I started with what I’d been given. Then I decided to put on a workshop. I didn’t know if anyone would show up or what might happen, but (gulp, gulp) I took a deep breath and scheduled one!

That first seminar demonstrated to me I could use my ability to connect with people publicly as well as in the privacy of the counseling office. They showed up!  They said it was helpful!  Yea!  I used what I'd been given!  Using that gift has led to speaking engagements, writing opportunities and leadership roles.

What gifts have you been given? What gifts are still unknown to you? Discovering and using those talents is one of the things that will help you succeed!

If you haven’t yet discovered your gifts or talents, ask people around you what they think you do well, then make a list of those things. Next, make a list of things you enjoy doing. Between those two inventories you’ll start to see the abilities God has given you!

Join me next time as I discuss step 2 -- Go With What You Know

Grow Thick, Armor-Plated Skin - A Success Principle

                                    Success Principle:

“Grow Thick, Armor-Plated Skin”

           If you’re going to be successful, you have to have thick skin!   You know, that ability to withstand criticism and hurtful comments about who you are and what you do.

          That was really brought home to me by an email I recently received:

“Dear Barbra, I have just received a revelation of why I get depressed and it is thrilling! While my intellect is at the graduate college level, my ability to withstand offense is very childish.”

The writer goes on to say, “Offenses collect on me like lint and I have buried their effects in the roots of bitterness. All the while smiling and ‘praise the Lord,’ never letting anyone know.”

John Bevere found this phenomenon of “taking offense” so troubling, he wrote a book entitled The Bait of Satan in which he discusses how Satan destroys lives and ministries because people are so easily offended.

Obviously, my writer is not the only one who struggles with the ability to withstand offense! However, if you wish to be successful, it is imperative to grow Thick, Armor-Plated Skin.

“The higher your heights, the greater number of detractors you will have and the sharper their attacks will be.” Paul Brunson noted in his article, “20 Successful Habits I learned Working For Two Billionaires.” (Oprah Winfrey and Enver Yucel)

“How do you actually develop that thick skin?” you may ask, because this is one of those principles which sounds amazingly true but exceedingly difficult to develop. As seems to be the case in any principle I share, I’ve had to learn the hard way how to apply that theory!

As the e-mail writer experienced, I too put on a mask of confidence for years but would cry myself to sleep many nights because I worried that someone didn’t approve of me or didn’t like what I had said or done.

I remember the day I walked down the hall and noticed two nurses with their heads huddled together in a whispered conversation. As I grew near, they looked at me and immediately stopped talking. I, of course, just knew they were talking about me! And, of course, it obviously wasn’t good, because they stopped their discussion!

For the rest of the day and into the evening and even the next day, I worried about that incident. (I obviously had not yet developed armor-plated skin!) However, that was a turning point in my self-development. I instituted two rules for myself which may help you as well:

1. Assume the best until you know the worst. Until I actually hear someone say they don’t like me or hated what I had to say, I’m going to assume they like me and anything I’m doing.
2. If I can’t let some bothersome thought go within 24 hours, I have to take action.

• Assume the best until you know the worst:

I found out later the two nurses were talking about a confidential family matter –

which of course had nothing to do with me And I have discovered along the way, that’s usually the case. People are not nearly as interested in us as we assume they are. . I’ve known people to obsess over a comment like a dog worrying a bone, and they’ve carried offenses for months or even for years!

When you grow thick, armor-plated skin, you learn to let those incidents bounce off you without ruining your day. Without that protective skin, your physical, emotional and spiritual health all suffer. Medical research reveals 80-90% of illness is related to stress!

• If you can’t let something go within 24 hours, take action.

For me, that usually means talking to the person involved – “Hey, I’d like to talk to you about the other day. I was just wondering if I have done anything to offend you.”

The worst that can happen is you discover they really intended to be offensive. Usually, however, they’re just what we used to call being a busy-body, trying to run your life instead of taking care of their own business! “Oh, hon, you should never wear your hair that way!” “Why don’t you have more kids?” “You can’t even do your job right!” On and on it can go.

As you begin to grow that thick, armor-plated skin, something interesting happens. Instead of feeling attacked, you begin to step back and think a bit more logically. Why might that person be saying something so offensive? Generally speaking, it comes from a place of insecurity or hurt. The well-known saying, “Hurt people hurt people” is really true!

You might ask yourself, “Is there any truth to what that person said?” “Hmm, should I really get another hairstyle?” If the answer is, yes, you take action in that direction. If the answer is “no, I like myself the way I am,” you just realize that person is coming from a place of unhealed hurts which is their problem, not yours.

Action then takes the form of asking God to help you love them anyway, and/or forgive them.

Guess what? It can happen! That same writer observed in the e-mail: “I’ve seen people say hurtful things to you, and you don’t seem to be bothered.”  And if I did it, you can do it – you too can grow thick, armor-plated skin!

The bottom line to growing thick, armor-plated skin? Two rules:

Rule 1: Assume the best until you know the worst.

Rule 2: If you can’t let some bothersome thought go within 24 hours, take action.

Learn to know who you are, like who you are and never let others distract you from your purpose and goals. You’ve got a job to do while you’re here on earth, and you need to Grow Thick, Armor-Plated Skin so you can do it!