She Was Someone Who Couldn't Say No -- Is That You?
In my book, Yes! I Said No!, I share the example of Susan, a client who came to see me because of extreme anxiety, panic attacks, and depression.
Over the years, she had adopted an unhealthy lifestyle, one of trying to please others. She was someone who couldn’t say “No.”
The step-by-step process I utilized in the office with her and others like her, was so successful, I began to conduct workshops to help others.
Maybe you can relate to Susan.
Maybe you're sick of feeling unheard.
Maybe you're sick and tired of fighting, disagreeing, and going over the same issues over and over.
Maybe you're tired of feeling stuck.
Maybe you didn’t learn how to live differently. You weren’t taught. By recognizing this, you're not throwing anyone under the bus or blaming. You ARE saying you didn't learn. And, it’s ok – because you can get the tools now!
I created this masterclass for you — if you want LESS STRESS & MORE SUCCESS.
In this class, you will get keys:
To improve your marriage.
To create closer family relationships.
To say no without blowing up, wimping out or running away.
To stop being a people pleaser.
To care for people without carrying them.
To restore healthy relationships.
To be more confident.
To experience less stress and more success in work relationships – with bosses, colleagues, and clients.
To more easily talk to people, 1:1, small groups, large groups.
BENEFITS:
Reduce Conflict.
Reduce Stress.
Build Rapport Fast.
Become a more Confident Communicator.
Get effective, efficient, comfortable, and have more fun.
KEY TAKEAWAYS:
Use your new awareness to understand yours and others' behaviors over the years.
Take the codependency assessment and gain new self-awareness.
Stop hurting your relationship. Use your new awareness to build your relationships.
Reduce stress by communicating more clearly in a way you never could before.
How to serve others more successfully.
How to build rapport quickly which means that you build trust and agreement more easily.
How to use in a group as well as 1:1.
GET MORE CONFIDENT.
DETAILS:
Intimate class setting – 20 seats max.
Class worksheets – which means no more scrambling to take all the notes!
4 classes versus 1 crammed-jam-packed-mega-class – which means you have time to process and ask questions.
Group Coaching — which means you will learn with each other.
Break-out sessions — which means you get to practice.
Miss a class? It’s ok! You’ll get the RECORDED LINK.
Four one hour LIVE ONLINE dynamic classes taught by Barbra Russell.
WHEN:
Saturday mornings, July 11, 18, 25 and August 1, 2020
At 10 A.M. Mountain Time
(Schedule conflict? No worries. Register to get recorded links.)
WHERE:
You’ll get a unique Zoom link once you register.
Would you like to give a registration as a gift to someone? Email me.
Do you need a payment plan? Tap here.
Do you still have some questions? Email me.
Email: barb@barbrarussell.com
INVEST IN YOURSELF
What you get:
The opportunity to gather, get encouraged, get equipped.
Class worksheets and notes.
Codependency Assessment
Access to Class Recordings
Dynamic class, group coaching, and tools to boost your communication and impact your relationships.
The Quarantine/Crisis/CoronaChaos Discounted Price, for Summer
2020: $149
That's a total value of over $500 worth of therapy and tools combined for all 4 classes, for only $149. Tap here to choose the payment plan 37.50 every month for 4 months.
Yes. I want these tools which will impact my communication at work, volunteering, and at home!
This crisis has taken too much from you already, hasn’t it? Get the tools.
Say no without blowing up, wimping out or running away
Stop being a people pleaser
Care for people without carrying them
Restore healthy relationships
Be confident!
I still have some questions.
Email Barbra at barb@barbrarussell.com
Live your best life, starting now!
Crisis Coping with the Coach and the Counselor
Need practical tools and tips to deal with the Year of the Corona Virus?
Ana-Christina Hicks (Certified Coach) and me (Licensed Counselor) decided to put our heads together for people who need quick and easy to follow guidelines for help. Each Friday morning at 10 am. MST we share a short video, then have a time for discussion - all on Zoom from the comfort of your home, office or anywhere!
Join us at https://bit.ly/ZOOMCCCC
Our Mom Taught Us A Lot Of Things -- Sometimes Silently
Thanks, Moms, For Teaching Us Silent Lessons
There are 7.6 billion people on the planet and yet each one of us feels unique and special. How do we come to realize that? Because God sent us moms.
Moms show us love and tell us we’re special. But, just as importantly, they teach us silent lessons.
Here are three silent lessons I learned because my mom lived them:
1. It’s never too late, and you’re never too old.
Late in life my mother returned to a small community school in Broken Bow Oklahoma to get her GED. My sister and I were adults and she and dad were retired when she was awarded that diploma. “It’s never too late” she silently taught me.
2. You can go through hell and not be bitter or broken.
My mother endured years of abuse from her father. She also went through The Great Depression and her family survived by selling bootleg liquor from a still in the backwoods. Those two experiences alone would be enough to make anyone resentful and mean. But the only effect I saw was that mom kept plastic containers to re-use and recycle before recycling was the thing to do.
Instead of bitterness or brokenness, I saw grace and thankfulness birthed out of poverty and rejection. She silently taught me: “You can go through hell and not be bitter or broken.”
3. You can give 100% to God, your husband, your children and yourself and still have love to give.
My mother was a strong Christian, pastor’s wife, mother of two children, and she took care of herself by dealing with the effects of abuse at age 68.
In the middle of showing me how to balance different roles without sacrificing one for the other, she silently taught me: “The more you love, the more love grows”
What did your mother silently teach you and how did that impact your life?
I’ll tell you how those silent lessons made a difference in MY life:
1. I went back to school late in life. I continue to learn and can say with my mom, “it’s never too late and you’re never too old.
2.. When the doctor kept saying “We’ll be lucky if all she loses is her leg; it’s cancer,” she had silently taught me not to give up. And even after 10 surgeries and going through my own personal hell of surgery, recovery, and months in a wheelchair, my mother’s silent lesson taught me: “You can go through hell and not be bitter or let life break you.”
3. I’ve been a Christian most of my life, I have a long lasting marriage and my son is a man to be proud of (which I’m taking partial credit for J) I too have learned , “the more you love, the more love grows.”
Out of 7.6 billion people, I am unique and special. Out of 7.6 billion people, you are unique and special.
And we have our moms to thank for teaching us silent lessons
What Can We Learn From The Greatest Generation?
It’s been said that America was able to win in World War II because its’ men and women went through the Great Depression.
During that time, my grandfather became a moonshiner – making whiskey in the woods, and my mother’s family drove from Oklahoma to California to work in the fruit orchards just like the movie “Grapes of Wrath.”
The Greatest Generation, as they’ve been called, suffered through hardship and deprivation in the depression (no coffee, no sugar, no nylons and no work) and learned to innovate and create something out of nothing. And those changes stayed with them. I still remember my parents saving plastic containers and shopping at Goodwill, even when it was no longer necessary.
Importantly, that generation developed common values of personal responsibility, duty, honor, country and faith because they fought a common enemy – first the Great Depression, then a Great War.
Their remarkable actions provided succeeding generations (you and me) with opportunities to excel like never before.
Now, like them, we fight a common enemy and we can no longer deny our need for cooperation and dependence on one another. By working together, by digging deep within our own resources and resolve, we will win this COVID-19 war and all the effects reverberating through our economy, our relationships and our way of life. We will be tested, but we will make it!
As the saying goes, it is often in the darkest skies that we see the brightest stars.
How are you shining in this time? I’m becoming a “zoomie,” doing on-line counseling and trying to encourage others by writing – like this blog or on social media and hosting a Bible study counseling class. Those are my gifts and where I think I can do the most good.
You have gifts and are perhaps learning new skills that will benefit you and others. This is the time to shine! And this is your time to share! You may inspire someone else!
Negative Assumptions -- They're Killers
Negative Assumptions – They’re Killers
“The doctor didn’t call today; I know that means the test results are bad and they just don’t want to tell me.”
“She looked upset; I know she’s mad at me.”
“He didn’t text. He doesn’t love me anymore.”
“They didn’t even look at me or say hello or anything today. I know we’ll never be friends again.”
Have you ever thought things like this? Naaaahhhhhh not you, right? Guess again. I believe I can truthfully say that most people have experienced this worrisome condition at some time in their lives and if they’re prone to anxiety and depression, they’re suffering a lot.
Such assumptions cause stress hormones like cortisol to start racing through your body like a lake rapidly covering all surrounding territory after the dam breaks. When you think about it, you’ll realize negative assumptions arise out of fear.
· “What if I’m going to die?”
· “What if I lose that friendship?”
· “What if we get a divorce?”
The devastation caused by such damage, especially if it happens repeatedly, is severe, ranging from stress and depression to ulcers, illness or divorce. Even scarier, negative assumptions can turn into self-fulfilling prophecies and you hear yourself saying, like Job of old, “what I feared has come to pass.”
Yet, you can survive and even thrive after you become aware and then begin to capture and change those negative assumptions. Couples often get caught in this trap, reluctant to communicate because they might not like what they hear. And so the assumptions pile up against the ever-weakening dam of their relationship.
Turn the tide by learning from this couple I cited in my book, “Yes! I Said No!”
Todd recently asked his wife Sandra this question: “What did you mean by that?”
His question took her by surprise because he had never asked her that before. But his tone was respectful, with a genuine “I-really-want-to-know” attitude. She quickly recovered from her surprise, and they began to discuss an earlier conversation. As they talked, both realized he had misunderstood something she had said.
It was a good thing he asked the question.
Don’t be afraid to ask the question. Face your fears and call the doc’s office; get up your courage and reach out to your friend. Or, do what Todd did and ask your spouse, “what did you mean by that?”
Your relationships will grow closer; your body will appreciate the necessary care you give it, and most of all you won’t let negative assumptions rule you – because they can be a killer.
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I Remember the Bad..............And It Helps
I remember the bad……… and it helps
When you are knocked to your knees by things you didn’t see coming or that you were unprepared to handle, don’t let that fate become your future.
There have been times when, looking back over the year, I’d “count my many blessings and name them one by one.”
Not this year. This year I cried. A lot. This year I felt discouraged. Many times. This year I had to keep giving myself a pep talk to “practice what you preach” about gratitude, faith and believing.
Our son has been through 10 months of hell with severe back pain, stomach issues, weird problems with thyroid issues – and he no longer even has a thyroid. If you’ve ever walked with a loved one through such torment, you know it drains you, frustrates and annoys you, because you can’t help. They’re suffering, and because they are, you are. Yes, that’s where I’ve been.
Then I remember the bad…….. and it helps.
“Why?” you might ask.
Because when I remember other bad times and other terrible situations I’ve been through, when I reflect on others’ pain and that they’ve somehow made it, I’m encouraged to believe I can too.
I remember when I was bed-ridden for almost a year, in severe pain, unable to work, clean my house or cook. And yet, even though it seemed to stretch into eternity, I did recover, and returned to work and life.
I remember bad days when my husband seemed to be wasting away in front of our eyes and no one could decide if he had Lyme’s disease or some other debilitating horror. It was a very bad year. However, he came back stronger than ever and now, when others are taking it easy, he bounds up stairs in a way younger men would envy.
I remember my niece hearing those dreaded words, “if you have family. you need to say your good-byes.” That was not a good Easter season. Nevertheless, that same year at Christmas, she gleefully checked off a bucket-list item and waded into the Pacific Ocean for the first time ever.
I remember the bad…….. and it helps.
I saw a quote the other day that read like this: “On particularly rough days, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that’s pretty good.”
Yes, I remember the bad days. And it helps. I celebrate because life seems even more precious now. When you have bad days or a bad year, remember you’ll get through them. As the old saying goes: “What does not kill us makes us stronger.” Bill Johnson once talked about Faith being both a Gift and a Fruit, and fruit can grow. Perhaps ironically, it seems the prime growing season for Faith is in bad times.
That’s why I remember the bad…….. and it helps.
If this has been a great year of counting your blessings, I celebrate with you! However, if you say, “this was not a good year,” I encourage you to remember: this too shall pass.
When you are knocked to your knees by things you didn’t see coming or that you were unprepared to handle, don’t let that fate become your future. Get back up.
And sometimes if you remember the bad you’ve been through…..it will help.
How To Survive The Holidays
Surviving the Holidays
Unmet Expectations – It’s a Set-Up!
I’ve been waiting a loooooooooong 4 minutes in the McDonald’s drive through. Four minutes, and I’m getting mad at McDonald’s! Two cars in front of me, several bags of hamburgers, fries and drinks have transferred from the drive-through window to the cars, and I’ve become the prosecutor in a silent trial with the dashboard clock my star witness.
Four minutes – I don’t remember waiting so long at a McDonald’s – it seems forever! And after all, all I want is a cup of coffee, black — I expected much quicker service from Mickey D’s!
I need my coffee - right now!
As I pull away from the window, I realize the absurdity of my fuming thoughts – Four minutes, really? I’ve spent that much time debating over which pair of earrings to wear. My expectations of McDonald’s (and truth be told, many other places, people and situations) have gotten a bit unrealistic.
When that happens, it’s a set-up for a let-down.
During the holiday season, it’s easy to experience unmet expectations. We set ourselves up for a let-down when we add, add, add things to our already busy schedules. It’s like my college professor who challenged his students, many of whom were working full time and attending classes in the evening: “Now that you’ve taken this on, what have you taken out of your schedule?” That was a wake-up call for me; I just expected to fit it all in, I suppose.
Without realizing it, we might expect a Norman Rockwell painting of the perfect family gathering – there will be warm bonding experiences and all the food will be delicious. But then the arguments start; there’s the empty chair where Grandmother used to sit, and we miss the kids because they’re at the “other” house this holiday,
We’ve just been set up for a let-down.
It’s no wonder, then, that we find ourselves participating in a Holiday trial of Happy Expectations vs. Reality 101 where everyone winds up being sentenced to a couple of months in Stress Prison.
What are we to do?
• Remember what’s important – what’s the real “Reason for the Season?”
• What are we going to cut out because we’ve added something on?
• Ecclesiastes 3 says there’s a time to weep and a time to laugh. Give yourself permission to do both at this holiday season.
• Set a holiday budget and don’t be “guilted” into exceeding it.
I remember one Christmas when our son was about 5. Money was tight, and we had saved just enough to buy him a new bicycle for his gift. However, on Christmas morning, our eager anticipation was deflated, as he ran to the tree and exclaimed, “Is that all? He was expecting many packages to open and even though we knew his bicycle was worth more than all the little things, he was patently disappointed. Then, of course, we felt guilty because we wouldn’t be awarded the “best parents of the year” award — an un-stated, unrealistic expectation we parents often place on ourselves.
As adults, we may not say that out loud, but sometimes I think that’s our internal dialogue. “Is that all there is? I’ve scrimped and saved and prepared for THIS?” “Is that all? I expected more.”
When we get over-stressed, and our expectations are not met, it’s indeed a set-up for a let-down. Let’s remember to keep things realistic, set limits for ourselves and others and “Count our blessings, name them one by one!.”
How to Have a Healthy Relationship
I was honored to be a resource for this article by Meg Scanlon. Check it out for some specific and practical tips:
https://lovetv.co/how-our-brains-are-designed-to-look-for-whats-wrong/
How Our Brains Are Designed To Look For What’s Wrong
How Our Brains Are Designed To Look For What’s Wrong
20 Sep
How to turn it around in a relationship
We all want to live our best lives and have the healthiest relationships possible. But we may not know how to get there and what to do. I spoke with Barbra Russell, MA a counselor, speaker and author of Yes! I Said No! about how we can create and maintain a relationship of optimal wellness.
Creating Boundaries
We know that boundaries are important. We understand that we should have them and we know when it feels like someone has crossed them. But how do we set and maintain good boundaries? The biggest fear most people have with boundaries is coming across as rude, harsh or mean, especially when it is someone we care deeply about. We may also worry that we may hurt someone’s feelings or that they may not want to continue to have a relationship with them if we have a serious discussion about boundaries. We want to compromise, but we also need for our own needs to be met.
Barbra Russell gives us 3 steps to follow when setting a boundary.
“Step 1: Say what you don’t like (without attacking the others character) Step 2: Say what you want (specifically) Step 3: Set a consequence.”
This sounds pretty simple, but let’s look at exactly how to put it into practice. Barbra explains two examples. Here is an example of a woman who might set a boundary, “Step 1: We’ve been so busy, we don’t take time to show affection and that’s important to me.
Step 2:So I’d like for you to kiss me every morning before work and we talk to each other for at least half an hour after the kids are asleep. Step 3: I’ll remind you for a few times until we make this a habit.”
Here is an example of a boundary a man might set, according to Barbra, “Step 1: I need time to myself when I first come home from work so I can clear my mind.
Step 2: I’d like 30 minutes of quiet time before I help with dinner or with the kids. Step 3.I’ll go into my ‘man cave’ every day for 30 minutes.”
It can feel scary or needy to ask for more affection or for time away from your significant other and kids. We may worry we will hurt their feelings or make them feel judged or criticized. But if we don’t communicate our needs, we can feel stressed or resentful and that can be toxic to a healthy relationship.
When expressing what you don’t like, try to make it a request that your partner can easily fulfill. Try to keep emotions such as anger, frustration, etc out of the equation. Make sure what you want is something reasonable and specific. The consequence should not skew negative. It may take some time to put the new actions into place, since it can take some time to change and break a habit. So be patient and kind to your partner as this transition is happening. Also ask for your partner to be patient with you.
Communication Between The Sexes
Communicating with anyone can be hard, and there are some fundamental differences in how men and women think and communicate. Understanding these differences can help us feel more seen and heard. Barbra explains it very clearly, “She ‘connects’ more memories, words and thoughts faster, and tends to talk ‘in circles,’ bringing up one thing, then another before arriving at the final thought or solution. His brain works more efficiently, thinking in a ‘straight line,’ solving a problem by quickly giving advice or a solution.”
Communicate directly what you want from your partner. Barbra gives the examples, “She says, ‘I just need you to listen, while I talk this through.’ He instructs, ‘Write down what you need me to do, because I’m likely to forget.”
Again, ask for what you want and communicate what you think can be helpful to your relationship. Make sure it is a request and an actionable step, such as writing something down or listening as someone processes their thoughts. Keep any judgements out if, you don’t want to judge your partner for thinking and processing things differently that you do. Use positive reinforcement to encourage each other.
One main reward is your relationship will probably start to feel easier and you will both feel more supported. Compliment each other frequently and let them know how much you appreciate them doing what you asked for and explain how it makes you feel so much better.
This is a process, so patience is key. Understanding these communication differences can help same sex couples and can also help you communicate in friendships as well. If you identify as gender fluid or non-binary then you may find yourself falling somewhere along this spectrum.
How Our Brains Look For What’s Wrong
Sometimes couples that have been together for a while start to focus more on the negative aspects of their relationship and less on the positive ones. They may lose sight of what brought them together initially.
This can become even more challenging as couples build a life together, raise children together, focus on extended family and career obligations. Barbra states, “Our brains are designed to look for what’s wrong – a survival mechanism to keep us alive – but in a relationship, the ratio often becomes 90:10, with the 90% of what’s right, what you like about the other person is taken for granted and we focus on the 10% — what you don’t like, what’s irritating, etc.” This can start a negative pattern or downward spiral. Barbra explains, “What you focus on gets bigger. Therefore, the more you focus on what’s wrong, the bigger problem that becomes.” We have all experienced this in other aspects of our lives as well, where we focus on the negative and the problem spirals. We can begin to feel discouraged or even hopeless that our situation can change.
Barbra offers some helpful solutions, “Compliment more than you complain.” If you find yourself complaining alot, take a step back and try to turn the situation around. Try to compliment your partner on what they are doing well and make them feel appreciated for all of their positive qualities.
Her second tip is, “Do the things you used to do that made them fall in love.” Maybe you used to go on dates to your favorite restaurant in the beginning but now you don’t anymore because you’d have to get a sitter. Or maybe you used to cook together, but with work schedules you don’t have the time. Try to make an effort to do these things together to make you feel more connected and to just have more fun together.
Lastly, Barbra states,”Provide safety by listening before you talk.” Let your partner get their full ideas out there before responding. Try not to interrupt. It can be easy to get defensive or feel misunderstood. Even if you don’t agree with their comment, try to really see their point of view and why they may feel this way. You want to get to a resolution and both be understood, not be right or wrong or assign blame.
Trying It Out
Personally I used to be more hesitant to bring up these conversations for fear of hurting the other person’s feelings or worrying how they would react. I also felt like I didn’t know how to communicate what I wanted to say in the most productive way. But then I would feel as though the issues would remain and that was stressful in it’s own way. Learning how to communicate in a positive and healthy way has made me feel like my relationships are stronger.
Try using these skills in your relationships and see if you feel more confident and positive about your relationship and yourself. Being a great communicator can help you not only in your romantic relationships, but friendships, family and work relationships. Setting boundaries and having a positive mindset can make you feel like the best version of yourself.
About The Author
Meg Scanlon - Meg Scanlon is a writer, actor, improvisor and creator of the comedy website ALittleBitFunny.com. Her work can be seen on Funny or Die, Bark Post, Taste of Home, The List, Home Life Media and Bridgehead Media. She loves flamingos, palm trees, pizza, binge watching Netflix and her really awesome dog Jack. Twitter: @meganrscanlon | Website: www.alittlebitfunny.com | Instagram: megscanlon
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Four Christmas Killers
Four Christmas killers:
1. Rushing
2. Living in anxiety
3. Doing too much
4. Forgetting our greatest gift is who we are, not what we do
Four antidotes:
1. Make a list of what needs to be done, then say “there is plenty of time.“
2. Make time to breathe deeply three times a day
3. Learn to say no – I know a good book for that!
4. Every day be grateful for the abilities you have
Cancer Saved My Life
Cancer Saved My Life
With a sense of wonder and awe, our son said, “I just realized that cancer saved my life.”
“That’s a strange statement, “I thought, but upon reflection, I had to admit it was true. We had been reminiscing during the Thanksgiving season about the major physical challenges Dane has endured.
It all began when he was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. As you can imagine, our family immediately experienced the fear, doubt and questions about why God let this happen. Why did this healthy young man who had served God all his life be struck with cancer? In spite of our prayers, the cancer didn’t miraculously disappear. Unable, of course, to answer those unanswerable questions, Dane followed the doctor’s recommendation to have immediate surgery to remove the malignant organ.
Then, as if that bombshell wasn’t enough to deal with, the anesthesiologist found a problem with his heart. And that problem required open-heart surgery.
Open heart surgery? Really, God? What’s up with this? Hasn’t he gone through enough?
Probably others facing such life-threatening news or continuing problems can fully understand the wide range of emotions we all rode like a wild carnival ride roller coaster.
Once again, we prayed for a miracle. We hoped for a miracle. We believed for a miracle. But nothing seemed to change.
Dane still had to undergo two major surgeries and all the rehabilitation required afterward.
We didn’t fully realize that a miracle had happened until years later.
I believe that can happen to anyone. When you are going through struggles, especially ones that stick around, it’s hard to see that anything good is happening. How many people despair after years of seemingly unanswered prayers?
Are you still struggling with a health issue?
Do you have a dream that God has not yet granted?
Do you have other prayers that have not been answered?
You, like Dane, may not realize that God is working a miracle on your behalf. And this Thanksgiving that’s what Dane realized. First, it was a miracle his thyroid cancer was even discovered. The doctor said usually this condition is not discovered until it’s too late. Secondly, because he had to have surgery, the problem with his heart valve was discovered. Either one of those conditions was a silent killer, waiting to pounce suddenly, without warning.
But a miracle did happen and, as Dane declared, “ cancer saved my life.”
Don’t get discouraged when you think God has forgotten you; it may be years later that you look back and realize a miracle happened. It might even show up as cancer.
Barbra Russell, MA, LPC
Five Tips for Summer Fun
Five Tips For Summer Fun
The Potter's House of Denver's staff and leadership team recently filmed a promotion for the upcoming all-church Summer Blast, an event with food, games, and ministry opportunities. Our pastor emphasized this was to be a time of joy and laughter, and the video needed to demonstrate that.
Under the TV Ministry’s direction, we released balloons, squirted each other – and the pastor - with water pistols and super-soakers as well as water balloons. We acted like kids at a water park and sure enough, we had great fun! We also experienced joy, laughter and a true spirit of camaraderie as we worked together to show people having fun together.
You might not undertake something so elaborate, but you can easily and inexpensively find ways for your own family to spend time together laughing, learning and creating warm memories.
Here are some ideas:
Have your own water fight – you can buy a few water pistols, splash in the pool or spray each other with the garden hose. Kids especially love to drench mom and dad, and laughter is guaranteed.
Become a tourist in your own state. My husband grew up in Arizona but never visited the Grand Canyon until he moved away. We live in Colorado, but it was our friends from Texas who introduced us to some fantastic mountain scenery.
Hanging Lake by Glenwood Springs CO
Create memorable moments. I’ll always remember the Sunday morning we were traveling with a group of church friends and stopped by the side of the road overlooking Ouray, “The Little Switzerland of Colorado.” We shared a loaf of bread and bottle of grape juice as we participated in communion. Memorable? You bet! It just took a little planning and stopping by the grocery store.
Give the gift of an experience. I was pleasantly surprised to hear that my young niece preferred going with her mom for a manicure and pedicure than to receive the normal “birthday present.” When you offer an older child the choice of a gift or an experience, you might be amazed yourself when they choose a new adventure.
Learn and play - A day with mom or dad learning how to prepare dinner or ride a bike is a wonderful treat for both the adults and the kids. Little girls love to play “grown-up,” go to the grocery store, get all the ingredients for a meal and then fix it, messes and all. And my grown son still remembers as a boy how his dad spent one summer teaching him how to throw a football, practicing again and again until he got it right.
What can you do this summer to ensure you have lots of laughter, fun and memorable moments? You don’t have to take a world cruise or go to Disneyland; have a water fight in your own backyard!
True Love, Marriage Advice and Wisdom of the Years
My nephew and niece's daughter (does that make her my grand niece?) is getting married this month and I was asked to provide some marriage advice for the newlyweds.
In my years as a counselor, teacher and married woman myself, I thought this would be good to pass on:
To The Groom: Remember to step up and speak up; it's important to say what's on your mind, whether that's how much you love her or how much something is bothering you. Both pay off in the long run! It's also important to keep doing the things which made her fall in love with you, so if you need to set a reminder on your calendar for 6 months or 6 years from now, you'll still be planning special occasions, or sending flowers or whatever it is you do!
To The Bride: For most women, we have to remember to shut up! Because of the way we're wired, we tend to look for what's wrong and what needs to be fixed and point that out -- and keep pointing it out! But men will begin to shut down and not talk about real things if they feel whatever they say will be criticized or whatever they do is never enough.
Here's wishing you will both experience many years of love, happiness, respect and honor.
We married, then started dating
We had our first real date on Valentine's Day, he proposed a month later, 3 months later got married then started dating😃😊😳💕❤. While I don't recommend that as a usual practice, it did set the stage for us to keep learning about each other and we were determined to make it! 2 helps? Learning about and respecting personalities and using gender communication humor- "that's my female brain talking" and "that's just my male brain that forgot." No sitting in rockers on the porch for us - nope, working, playing and making a difference- that's the Russell Plan.
What are your helps to stay married?
What are you plans for your future?
Would love to hear from you: barb@barbrarussell.com
“What Did You Mean By That?”
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“What did you mean by that?” Bob’s question took Susan totally by surprise because he had never asked her that before. But his tone was so respectful, with a genuine “I- really- want- to know” attitude that she quickly recovered and they began to discuss an earlier conversation. As they talked, both realized he had misunderstood her meaning and intention.
It was a good thing he asked the question.
After a few minutes’ discussion, the confusion was resolved. They both exclaimed, almost at the same time: “Hey! This is way different from what we’ve done before! ”
That prompted Susan to inquire, “How did you think to ask me that, Bob? It was so helpful.”
“I decided I’d do things in a healthy way, too” he answered, referring to her new-found skills discovered through counseling. They discussed what they previously did when there was such miscommunication between them. They’d either fight, or go to their respective “corners” and not talk at all for days, both reeling from hurt feelings and misperceived motives.
This interaction between them inspired Bob to try that phrase at work as well. It wasn’t long before he had an opportunity to ask a co-worker, “What did you mean by that?” They found a solution by first discussing the issue with his co-worker, then the supervisor.
Once again, a potentially ugly or explosive situation was resolved. Bob just shook his head as he reflected on how things often happened at work. Guys wound up leaving their jobs or remaining miserably unhappy and feeling trapped, all for the lack of using six words. “What did you mean by that?”
I recently heard a respected speaker utter this well-known phrase: [bctt tweet=" “I wouldn’t be divorced today had I known then what I know now.” " username="@BarbERuss"]
One of the things he said is that he, like Bob, needed to let his wife know when he was unhappy. In that first marriage it seemed other things he tried never worked. So, one day in hopeless despair, he left. He had come to a lot of conclusions about the futility of things changing and didn’t know at that time how to even bring up the subject.
All too often, guys feel they must just “suck it up” when they are displeased with what’s going on, whether at home or at work. They’re fearful of the confrontation that will likely follow. And just as often, wives or bosses don’t make it safe to say anything when they look for what’s wrong and criticize more than they compliment.
We have a long history in the West of the strong, silent man. For many years, guys have absorbed this mantra: “Real men don’t eat quiche, they don’t ask for directions, and they certainly don’t ask for help!”
daniel boone
Daniel Boone declared, “I was never lost but I was powerfully bewildered once for three days.” As goes the Pioneering Western man, so goes the Modern man!"
So what are men and women to do? I, of course, always suggest counseling to couples but often men don’t like that idea. It doesn’t fit into the creed that “Real men don’t eat quiche, they don’t ask for directions, and they certainly don’t ask for help!” One very creative approach is this web site: http://mantherapy.org/ which talks about therapy done “the manly way.” I laughed when I checked it out. It’s definitely done with humor. Click on the link to see what you think. Men do things a different way!
Bottom line: "Ask the question – “What did you mean by that?” It could save your marriage; it could save your job"
And gals, if you want a better relationship with your man, here's some things to think about. We women have a tendency to look for what’s wrong and we’re not usually hesitant to bring that up. Plus, we also like to talk and talk! So, sometimes we’ll take an opposite point of view with men just to keep a conversation going. But that can quickly backfire when he feels disrespected and judged.
A common complaint I hear from married men is this: “No matter how hard I try, I can never do anything right.” If he helps with the dishes, she informs him they’re not put in the dishwasher correctly. When he offers to do the laundry, she instructs him to divide the clothes differently. Usually, she means to help, but he perceives those “orders” as critical complaints. And perception is reality. That’s why I say:
"Compliment more than you complain!"
and
"Appreciate more than you argue!"
When you make it safe for him, he won’t be afraid to ask: “What did you mean by that?”
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WHAT IF WE'D BEEN FIGHTING?
j&B in cafe
“You never know…… We have been going to the same restaurant for many years and a worker there often commented about being scared to be married. This morning, we were complemented to hear her say that because she had been watching us, she decided it was OK to get married. She announced her engagement to us today. You never know how you are going to impact someone's life, just by living your own.”
After I posted the above paragraph on Facebook, people posted some additional comments and scriptures which led to more reflection.
- Matthew 5:16- “Let your light so shine before men, that they may…glorify your Father in Heaven.”
- “Living your life out loud”
- “People are watching how you live life. 1 Peter 2:16 – Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God.”
Nobody said it, but I thought it: What if We’d Been Fighting? What if We'd Been Looking At Our Phones and Ignoring Each Other? What if We’d Been Calling Each Other Down and Acting Disrespectfully?
Like most couples, we’ve been guilty of those things in our marriage; I doubt there’s a perfect relationship on the face of the earth. But, what if we had done those things in the restaurant? Would that worker still have a bad feeling about marriage? I bet she would have. Would she have changed her perspective, then changed her plans for her own life? Possibly.
Because here’s a truth I know -- every choice you make changes the road you are on and sets your direction. And how often do our choices affect the choices made by others? Probably more than we realize. We won’t always be told that we’ve impacted someone’s life. But we do.
My husband and I have been Christians most of our lives, and we even work in a church! So we’re expected, and we expect of ourselves, to lead by exemplary example there. It’s not just leaders, however who look good at church! Most people have a “Sunday-go-to-meeting” outfit and a “Sunday-go-to-meeting” outlook.
Often, however, we don’t think about our behavior at the grocery store, a football game or at a local restaurant.
What if someone is watching us there? What if what you do Monday through Friday is being observed by your co-workers? You can bet it is!
We impact others’ lives, just by living our own.