Negative Assumptions -- They're Killers

Negative Assumptions – They’re Killers

 “The doctor didn’t call today; I know that means the test results are bad and they just don’t want to tell me.”

“She looked upset; I know she’s mad at me.”

“He didn’t text.  He doesn’t love me anymore.”

“They didn’t even look at me or say hello or anything today.  I know we’ll never be friends again.”

Have you ever thought things like this?  Naaaahhhhhh not you, right?  Guess again.  I believe I can truthfully say that most people have experienced this worrisome condition at some time in their lives and if they’re prone to anxiety and depression, they’re suffering a lot. 

Such assumptions cause stress hormones like cortisol to start racing through your body like a lake rapidly covering all surrounding territory after the dam breaks. When you think about it, you’ll realize negative assumptions arise out of fear.

·         “What if I’m going to die?”

·         “What if I lose that friendship?”

·         “What if we get a divorce?”

The devastation caused by such damage, especially if it happens repeatedly, is severe, ranging from stress and depression to ulcers, illness or divorce.  Even scarier, negative assumptions can turn into self-fulfilling prophecies and you hear yourself saying, like Job of old, “what I feared has come to pass.”

Yet, you can survive and even thrive after you become aware and then begin to capture and change those negative assumptions.  Couples often get caught in this trap, reluctant to communicate because they might not like what they hear.  And so the assumptions pile up against the ever-weakening dam of their relationship.

Turn the tide by learning from this couple I cited in my book, “Yes! I Said No!”

Todd recently asked his wife Sandra this question: “What did you mean by that?”

His question took her by surprise because he had never asked her that before.  But his tone was respectful, with a genuine “I-really-want-to-know” attitude.  She quickly recovered from her surprise, and they began to discuss an earlier conversation.  As they talked, both realized he had misunderstood something she had said.

It was a good thing he asked the question.

Don’t be afraid to ask the question.  Face your fears and call the doc’s office; get up your courage and reach out to your friend.  Or, do what Todd did and ask your spouse, “what did you mean by that?”

Your relationships will grow closer; your body will appreciate the necessary care you give it, and most of all you won’t let negative assumptions rule you – because they can be a killer.

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“What Did You Mean By That?”

couple design over white background vector illustration

“What did you mean by that?”  Bob’s question took Susan totally by surprise because he had never asked her that before.  But his tone was so respectful, with a genuine “I- really- want- to know” attitude that she quickly recovered and they began to discuss an earlier conversation.  As they talked, both realized he had misunderstood her meaning and intention.

It was a good thing he asked the question.

After a few minutes’ discussion, the confusion was resolved.  They both exclaimed, almost at the same time: “Hey!  This is way different from what we’ve done before! ”

That prompted Susan to inquire, “How did you think to ask me that, Bob?  It was so helpful.”

“I decided I’d do things in a healthy way, too” he answered, referring to her new-found skills discovered through counseling.  They discussed what they previously did when there was such miscommunication between them.  They’d either fight, or go to their respective “corners” and not talk at all for days, both reeling from hurt feelings and misperceived motives.

This interaction between them inspired Bob to try that phrase at work as well.  It wasn’t long before he had an opportunity to ask a co-worker, “What did you mean by that?”  They found a solution by first discussing the issue with his co-worker, then the supervisor.

Once again, a potentially ugly or explosive situation was resolved.  Bob just shook his head as he reflected on how things often happened at work.  Guys wound up leaving their jobs or remaining miserably unhappy and feeling trapped, all for the lack of using six words.  “What did you mean by that?”

I recently heard a respected speaker utter this well-known phrase:    [bctt tweet=" “I wouldn’t be divorced today had I known then what I know now.” " username="@BarbERuss"]

One of the things he said is that he, like Bob, needed to let his wife know when he was unhappy.  In that first marriage it seemed other things he tried never worked.  So, one day in hopeless despair, he left.  He had come to a lot of conclusions about the futility of things changing and didn’t know at that time how to even bring up the subject.

All too often, guys feel they must just “suck it up” when they are displeased with what’s going on, whether at home or at work.  They’re fearful of the confrontation that will likely follow.  And just as often, wives or bosses don’t make it safe to say anything when they look for what’s wrong and criticize more than they compliment.

We have a long history in the West of the strong, silent man.   For many years, guys have absorbed this mantra:  “Real men don’t eat quiche, they don’t ask for directions, and they certainly don’t ask for help!”

daniel boone

Daniel Boone declared, “I was never lost but I was powerfully bewildered once for three days.” As goes the Pioneering Western man, so goes the Modern man!"

So what are men and women to do?  I, of course, always suggest counseling to couples but often men don’t like that idea.  It doesn’t fit into the creed that “Real men don’t eat quiche, they don’t ask for directions, and they certainly don’t ask for help!”  One very creative approach is this web site:  http://mantherapy.org/ which talks about therapy done “the manly way.”  I laughed when I checked it out.  It’s definitely done with humor. Click on the link to see what you think.  Men do things a different way!

Bottom line: "Ask the question – “What did you mean by that?” It could save your marriage; it could save your job"

And gals, if you want a better relationship with your man, here's some things to think about. We women have a tendency to look for what’s wrong and we’re not usually hesitant to bring that up.  Plus, we also like to talk and talk!  So, sometimes we’ll take an opposite point of view with men just to keep a conversation going.  But that can quickly backfire when he feels disrespected and judged.

A common complaint I hear from married men is this:  “No matter how hard I try, I can never do anything right.”  If he helps with the dishes, she informs him they’re not put in the dishwasher correctly.  When he offers to do the laundry, she instructs him to divide the clothes differently.  Usually, she means to help, but he perceives those “orders” as critical complaints.  And perception is reality.  That’s why I say:  

"Compliment more than you complain!"   

and

"Appreciate more than you argue!"

When you make it safe for him, he won’t be afraid to ask:  “What did you mean by that?” 

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