How To Deal With Negative Thoughts

How To Deal With Negative Thoughts

First, how do thoughts cause pain? Here’s a few ways:

a. Stress – covid year, loss, no touch

b. Negative beliefs – I’m not good enough, etc.

c. Fear from negative assumptions – the dreaded “what-if’s”

d. Messages from the past – Who told you you’d never make it? Where did you hear, “You’re too sensitive,” etc.

Secondly, and more importantly, how do we deal with them?

What doesn’t work

Trying to ignore them, or push them down. We even try to get real stern and command them to go away. “Stop thinking that way right now!!!!” The problem is, those thoughts can come back stronger, especially when we’re stressed

What works?

Remember that just taking something away is not the key, because nature abhors a vacuum, and negative thoughts just love to come rushing back.

Here’s three steps to deal with negative thoughts:

1. Stop – Get distracted; get physical

2. Replace – What positive thing can you think of instead? (Hint – reading from your gratitude journal)

3. Repeat – Our brain creates neural pathways from repetition, so building a new path, so to speak, requires repeated attention and consistency.

To permanently get rid of those pesky negative thoughts, you need to change your values and beliefs around them. For example, in your family, you may have been taught: “Being proud of yourself is wrong.” “Taking care of others is more important than taking care of yourself.”

And the underlying belief is: “This is how you show love.” “This is the correct way to think, act, believe.” These then become values, beliefs you assimilate. No wonder it’s so hard to change those types of negative thoughts!

Here’s some things to keep in mind when you desire change:

1. You may need counseling/therapy

2. It may feel “wrong”

3. You will probably need to set some boundaries

Aaahh, but then, when you’ve successfully challenged and changed negative thoughts, here’s the next step:

Celebrate!

The best revenge — when you succeed after “they” said you couldn’t do it. There’s an old saying that goes: “The best revenge is a life well lived.”

My husband is a great example. Jerry worked for a terrible boss who kept telling him he was dumb, stupid and ignorant. But Jerry got help; he took action and he now enjoys knowing he’s very smart, talented and he’s also free!

For most of us, life is about change, about growth; it’s about pain and loss and falling off the horse, if only to see if we can get back up again. And when we do, when we climb back up on that horse after being thrown, we’re not the same person who let a horse throw him off.

So keep after those negative thoughts – don’t let any falls keep you from climbing back up and becoming a better person.

Do You Know Someone Who Could Use This?

The more I study and prepare for the Yes! I Said I Do! Marriage in Boundaries class, the more I am convinced that all couples should have this information in their toolbox.

I wonder if you know of a couple you'd like to sponsor; the $49 investment in their lives might be a life-saver!

This 3 hour class on April 17 from 9-noon MDT can help people who say: "I Want To Grow Old With you." While the divorce statistics are still threatening on the horizon, many marriages could be saved by applying these principles.

We'll be talking about "Why Do You Need Boundaries in Marriage?"

"What Happens When You DON'T have Healthy Boundaries"

"Boundaries FOR Your Marriage" - Each takes responsibility - and answers the question, "What do I need to understand/respect about the other person's way of communicating?

"Boundaries IN Your Marriage" - What marriage is not; rules for conflict resolution.

"Boundaries Around Your Marriage" - The pesky little flies in marriage

To register, or if you'd like to sponsor someone, go to: www.barbrarussell.com, scroll down to the "Virtual Marriage Class YISID"

Thanks for joining with me to decrease the divorce rate one couple at a time.

Barbra

Don't Let Your Past Sabotage Your Future

  DON’T LET YOUR PAST SABOTAGE YOUR FUTURE    

 “FOR ANYONE WHO MAY NOT KNOW, THE BEST WAY TO MAKE “HARD BOILED” EGGS IS IN THE OVEN!  PLACE THE EGGS IN A MUFFIN TIN SO THEY DON’T MOVE AROUND, PUT IN 325 DEGREE OVEN FOR 25-30 MINUTES AND REMOVE.  NOT ONLY ARE THEY TASTIER, BUT THEY ALSO ARE MUCH EASIER TO PEEL.”

Well, I saw this posted on Facebook one day and thought I should try it.   However, when I mentioned it to my husband, he laughingly reminded me of the “egg disaster in Houston” and cautioned me about trying this new way – we might wind up having to get a new oven if those eggs blew up! 

Here’s what happened:   We lived in Houston and were going to see Ray Charles live in concert.  Before we left, I planned to put on some eggs to boil, then turn off the heat, leaving the lid on.  It was supposed to be better than boiling them for 6-8 minutes.  Quick and easy, right?  Off we headed for the concert venue an hour away.  It was great!  We were in a theater-in-the-round and had great seats to enjoy the music and the musician. 

We were stuck in the parking lot after the concert when a terrible thought hit me – I was pretty sure I hadn’t turned the heat off under the eggs.   Oh no!  What if our townhome caught on fire?  What if we came back to the sight of fire trucks in front of our place? 

We spent a miserable hour before we finally arrived, opened the door and were assaulted by a horrifying sulfur smell!   Sure enough, I hadn’t turned the stove off; sure enough the eggs boiled dry, burnt the pan, eggs exploded all over the ceiling and the walls, and it was a wonder the place hadn’t totally been set ablaze after so many hours.

That’s the backdrop for the “egg disaster in Houston.”  It was bad, it was smelly, it took days to clean up, and it stayed in the “bad/stupid things you did” part of my brain.  If I hadn’t forgiven myself and redefined my “you mess-up all the time” identity, I would still be sabotaging any ideas of trying something new.

I’ve talked with clients who have struggled to change, who have to deal with past memories and messages saying, “you can’t do it.  You’ll just mess it up.”  One gal really struggled as a teenager and young adult, started drinking and using drugs and had an illegitimate child.  Her family bailed her out, and she began the slow, hard road to recovery.  When she started seeing me for counseling, she had started medication for her mental health disorder, had been clean and sober for several years and now had a job and was caring for her child. 

However, now she’s faced with “remember the egg disaster” mentality in her own mind and sadly, in the statements from her family who still don’t expect her to succeed.  And every time she forgets something, every time she flubs up, she feels once again like a failure, and her family believes that too.  She’s stuck and fearful of trying to go back to school or get her own place.  She can’t get beyond the “you’re a failure” time in her past. 

But who among us hasn’t made mistakes?  Who among us hasn’t experienced our own disasters because of something we did or didn’t do?  Everyone.   We all have them because none of us are perfect, no, not one! 

  I think too often we allow memories of past failures and mistakes keep us from trying something new, something that will catapult us into the next level of success.  We let our past sabotage our future.   

For me – it was worth it to hard boil the eggs in the oven.   Sure enough, that Facebook post was true – the eggs peeled easily; they tasted better and I’m so glad I just laughed about my former egg disaster and tried a new thing. 

I encourage you to do the same; don’t let your previous mistakes keep you from stepping out and trying something new.  I remember struggling with borrowing money to go to graduate school; that cost a lot of money, and I was still dealing with feelings of inadequacy – was I really worth thousands of dollars?  With a few words of encouragement from my husband, (“You need to poop or get off the pot” lol) and a determination to become a counselor, that dream became a reality.

And yours can become a reality too – you may need to get over that nagging, negative Nancy who says you can’t do it; you may need a little help from your friends; you may need to see a counselor.  Whatever you need to do, try a new recipe for your life.   

I think you’ll find difficulties peel away easier, success will taste sweet in your mouth, and you’ll wonder why you didn’t do it sooner

They said, "I Want To Grow Old With You...." But how do you do that?

“I want to grow old with you...” How many couples say this - and how many are successful? To sit side by side when you’re old and gray - how do you do it? To get through the exciting “dating” stage, then build a life with job, kids, family and friends .... without losing the love, the connection, couples ask;

How do you do that?

Another common statement we hear at weddings: Love Is – 1 Corinthians 13 – Love is kind, patient, long-suffering, etc. etc.

What we don’t hear is what Love is NOT:

Love is not mind reading. – “If you loved me, you’d know!”

Love is not making assumptions

Love does not fix your insecurities

Love is not the courage you need to change you – although it can be support

Love does not mean changing the other into the person you want them to be

Join me as we discuss practical tips and tools to set boundaries AROUND your marriage, IN your marriage and FOR your marriage. Three hours of instruction, discussion and therapy for only $49; to register, and to see more details: Go to my web site for more details about this one-morning virtual class on April 17. Barbrarussell.com/Yes! I Said I Do!

Self Care For Your Sweet Tooth

SELF CARE FOR YOUR SWEET TOOTH

As a therapist, I'm always acutely aware of self care -- its importance, its lack in most people's life, and the fact that when it comes to sweets, healthiness is often last on the list. Let's face it, sugar is addictive -- we know that; but we love it anyway. Fats and carbohydrates are something we talk about eliminating but it's just so hard!

Well, here's some good news -- self care for your sweet tooth. On my "Therapy Thursday" Facebook live this week, I played "chef" and actually made up some sweet treats that aren't so bad for you. I had many requests for the recipe so wanted to share it with you, along with some interesting facts about some of the ingredients that you might find healthy as well.

Recipe for no bake energy bites:

1/2 cup semi sweet chocolate chips (Stevia). **

2/3 cup toasted shredded coconut

1 teaspoon vanilla

1/2 cup creamy peanut butter

One cup oats

1/3 cup Honey. **

1/2 cup ground flaxseed. **

Stir all ingredients together until thoroughly mixed. Cover and refrigerate one hour. Once chilled, roll into balls about 1 inch in diameter. Store in airtight container and keep refrigerated. Makes about 20 to 25 balls.

To toast coconut: spread flakes on a baking sheet in a thin layer and bake in oven at 325° for 5 to 10 minutes. Stir coconut to help ensure even color

** Notes -- Did you know Stevia sweetener is a sugar alternative extracted from the leaves of a plant? It's free of calories and carbs.

**. When you use raw local honey, you are receiving the benefits of a natural sweetener and something to help your allergies. Think about it; the bees feed on the pollen around your area and produce the honey so it's like you're getting an allergy shot. For years, I suffered with sinus infections, but after taking 1 tsp. of raw local honey per day, along with using a saline nasal spray, those babies are gone!

** Flaxseed can also be used as an egg substitute.

I encourage you to make these no-bake treats; it won't take very long, and you'll enjoy a guilt-free self-care moment for your taste buds!

Do You Have a Dream?

Do you “Have a Dream?”

“I love Martin Luther King's “I have a dream” speech when he so eloquently declared: “I have a dream that even injustice will be transformed into an oasis of Freedom and Justice.” He gave us all hope that our dreams can take us from a state of hopelessness to an oasis of fulfillment where we drink deeply from the waters of who God has made us to be.

For some of us, like me, we may have to say: “it's never too late, and you are never too old,” to fulfill our dreams. I remember when I lost my job where I had worked for almost 20 years and I wondered what I should do next. God opened up doors for me to go back to school, get my Master’s degree in Counseling and become a Licensed Professional Counselor.

And today, years later, when I see some client with tears running down their face and I can help turn those tears of sadness into tears of gladness, I know ---- yes I know, without a doubt ----that the dream I discovered is the dream I was meant to live.

So today I say to you: “Never give up on your dreams.” Whether you've got a dream down deep in your heart that hasn't come to life yet, or whether you're not sure what God wants your dream to be, keep working on becoming the best you ----and make Martin Luther King junior proud!

If You Don't Address Your Childhood Traumas, Your Romantic Relationships Will

“If you don’t address your childhood traumas, your romantic relationships will.”

 

Principle:  If you don’t deal with your “stuff” your “baggage” will come back and bite you in the butt.

This principle applies to other things as well:  Grief, unforgiveness, and loss – and can show up in your workplace or with other people.  Today, I’m talking about how it shows up in romantic relationships. 

Story of Tom and Beverly:

Beverly grew up as a hillbilly from Tennessee watching her parents’ bitter, violent fights.  They’d scream and throw accusations at each other, and she’d go to bed at night, put her hands over her ears and pray that no one would be seriously injured or dead when she awoke. 

So many mornings, she’d secretly vow she would never have a marriage like this!  She didn’t know how she was going to avoid it, but she was NOT going to live like those two – this would never happen to her! 

Her father finally left her mother, breaking Beverly’s heart.  Her mom grew hard and bitter; her father married a much younger woman and moved away, and her mom went to work full-time, leaving 4 kids at home to care for themselves.  One brother turned to drugs; Beverly turned to religion. Surely God would never let her have a marriage like her parents!

On the other side of the US, in California, Tom had struggles of his own.  His upbringing seemed different; he was raised in church; his father was an elder and his mother a Sunday school teacher.  But one day he was devastated to discover that his family was breaking up due to his father’s chronic adultery.  This was the man he idolized who ultimately divorced his mother – he vowed he would live his life differently!  With God’s help, he would not repeat his parents’ pattern!  He would find his soul mate.

So the two found each other, and they each brought scars and fears to their romantic relationship.  Because couples find partners with similar wounds, but each has adapted differently. 

And here’s what happens when you don’t attend to your childhood traumas 

Tom and Beverly got married and 2 months into the relationship, they started arguing about quiche, of all things!  Tom hated it, and Beverly was forcefully arguing about its many virtues.  After going back and forth for a while, Tom suddenly said, “I’m leaving.  I’m gonna go out on the porch and cool off.”

Beverly had a flashback, an “old brainer,” and immediately reacted crazily – “Leave!  Did I hear you say leave?”  The danger bell rang in her “old brain” and she ran to him and grabbed his leg.  “Please don’t leave!  How can you be so mean and leave me at a time like this?”

Tom looked at her incredulously – “What are you so upset about?  I’m just cooling off.  Can’t a guy get a break around here?” 

Beverly’s “old brain and messages” said, that when a man leaves, he doesn’t come back.  It was only years later that she remembered when she was 4 or 5 years old and her dad was leaving, and she grabbed his leg, begging him not to go.  ‘Please, daddy, please don’t leave!”

 You have to realize that when she and Tom were arguing and he wanted to get away from her meltdown, she was not thinking like a young, sensible bride in love.  She was thinking like an abandoned little girl.  She had learned that when a man leaves, he may not come back.

And Tom’s reaction came from his childhood memories – Tom’s parents had ultimately divorced after years of his father’s chronic adultery.  He had learned you don’t confront problems; you avoid and run from them.  His fears stemmed from seeing a repeat of his parents’ marriage seemingly playing out before him, and he just wanted a “time out.” 

And when you don’t attend to your childhood traumas, your romantic relationships will – Tom and Beverly show us exactly how this plays out.  Tom and Beverly Rodgers are real people, by the way, and share this story in their book, “Soul Healing Love.”

 

“Helpless Smart Dummy” wrote in to “Dear Abby” saying she was in a terrible relationship with a very abusive man and she didn’t know how, with 2 master’s degrees, she could have picked such a narcissistic jerk.  She wondered, “what’s wrong with me?”

Come to find out, she grew up in an abusive family of alcoholics and ragers and fit the characteristics of adult children of alcoholics,  She went on to say “I’m afraid to kick him out because I never meet anyone and I’ve been alone most of my life”

Amy responded:  “People who grew up in chaotic, neglectful, abusive, and alcoholic households often internalize the idea that they are somehow “Not enough.”  Probably because, despite their heroic efforts as children, they can’t fix, heal, or change the dynamics of their family of origin. 

They wind up having codependency issues or like Beverly and Tom, have terrible reactions and wind up with miserable relationships if they don’t attend to their childhood traumas.  The writer to “Dear Amy” didn’t even realize what was wrong.  She didn’t like it, but she thought this was normal --  isn’t this how everybody’s home is?  Because when you live in the middle of chaos and are shown nothing else, that’s what you think.  “Everybody lives like this, and I guess I just have to live like this too.  What else am I going to do?”

So you have to recognize that, and how you do that is sometimes just by reading stories like this, and lightbulbs go off over your head – yeah, this is not normal; it’s not right. 

The question then arises: 

How do you attend to those childhood traumas?  Attend means to:   Pay attention to – don’t ignore, to take care of, to minister to.   So, all the mess you thought you’d left behind can come back to haunt you until you

1.    Are aware of destructive patterns

2.    Ask for help

3.    Begin to process the pain

When you have that aha! moment i- “OMG, that sounds like my childhood,” what do you need to do?  You can see a counselor; you can take a course, read a book or attend a group. 

Often, you can’t see the forest for the trees and need an objective third party to help point out patterns that are self-destructive, not only for the people around you, but for you as well. 

When somebody says to you, “Whoa!  That was way out of line,” pay attention, notice patterns.  When you’ve come out of such backgrounds, you’re going to come out with wounds and scars – you can’t help it.  It’s not your fault.  However, a lot of kids growing up that way will feel “there’s something wrong with me, I’m not good enough,” because they probably tried to get it to stop – they begged and pleaded, and when it doesn’t work, they feel they’ve failed, I’m not good enough” because nothing changed.  And those messages stick in your limbic brain, that survival part of your brain and will raise its ugly head in your romantic relationship.

 

When you’re trying to get your life straightened out, and it’s all crooked, you may have to forgive, you may have to face fears, but when you’re with a safe person, you can do it!  

And join me for my 4-week class on Yes! I Said No! How To Set Healthy Boundaries and Increase Your Self Esteem that starts on January 16 – go to www.barbrarussell.com/masterclass for more details.